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Kitten Cannon: Horrifying and Disgusting Other Games

Updated on August 18, 2010

Kitten Cannon: Horrifying and Disgusting Other Games

Recently, we have been made aware of a horrifying and disgusting online game titled "Kitten Cannon". The object of the game is simply to launch a helpless kitty cat as far as possible. At the end of her ballistic journey, Fluffy lands on TNT, carnivorous plants, or deadly nests of spikes.

Instead of a comfortable slingshot or a cuddly nest of bubble wrap, this thoughtless program shoots Fluffy the cat from a high-tech cannon. The device never seems to run out of felines: we launched cat after cat until we were sufficiently horrified and disgusted. Never before have we been exposed to such cartoon carnage.

Alert readers responded quickly to our Kitten Cannon expose. We soon learned that innumerable other online games offer even more disgusting and horrifying digital evisceration. Animals from every phyla, class, and kingdom are being mercilessly murdered at the hands of computer programmers and their online audiences. Please get the word out. Let everyone you know know about the horrifying and disgusting online activities that take place on iPhones and desktop computers. Save the cartoon animals!

Blasting helpless online ducks
Blasting helpless online ducks

The Duck Hunter

At iWon.com lives a seemingly harmless online game titled "The Duck Hunter". Unfortunately, this software atrocity facilitates the murderous murdering of literally millions of virtual ducks. Use your computer mouse to aim a blood red shotgun; click the right mouse button to discharge the weapon. Out of ammo? Press the space bar to reload. Carefree digital ducks flit by, unaware of their impending doom. When hit, the helpless bird quivers and plummets to the ground, stone dead.

Adding insult to injury, the game may be played free of charge for hours at a time.

Mr Don the Pig is forced to wear non-flattering jean shorts.
Mr Don the Pig is forced to wear non-flattering jean shorts.
Online instructions for Mr Don
Online instructions for Mr Don

Mr Don the Heroic Pig

Think you've seen it all? You haven't seen it all. At www.freeonlinegames.com resides a seemingly harmless game called "Mr Don". Unfortunately, Mr Don is not a gentleman's gentleman or a cost accountant or a school board member: Mr Don is a pig. Normally we would be amused by a pig with a formal title, but this particular Mr Don is charged with doing something heroic while wearing ill-fitting jean shorts and tank top. Apparently he must save his sweetie from extreme danger. We're not exactly sure.

In the opening level, Mr Don is gnawed by a spinning wheel of razor sharp blades poking up from of the floor. Should he evade the cutters, Mr Don jumps onto what appears to be a bag of money, which appears to award him $1000 but also appears to kill him. Tears stream from Mr Don's portly face during the closing credits. Playing the game was almost enough to put us off our bacon and eggs, but not quite.

Mr Don is ground up by a cutting wheel, infested by a purple bug, and attacked by a hairy domino.
Mr Don is ground up by a cutting wheel, infested by a purple bug, and attacked by a hairy domino.

Penguinz Perishing

At snailgamers.com, precious penguins can be slaughtered. Truth be told, the little critters resemble kernels of blue corn with yellow noses and feet more than any species of flightless birds, but they all end up dead anyway. Differentiating the good guys from the bad guys is problematic until a fellow penguin comes at you with an implement of destruction. Be quick on the keyboard to advance to the next level.

They actually kill each other with little penguin axes and sling blades. Penguin blood spurts. Penguin children become penguin orphans. You'd think that these noble avians have suffered enough without turning on each other in blood sport.

Penguins inexplicably exterminate each other.
Penguins inexplicably exterminate each other.
A penguin lies face down in a pool of penguin blood.
A penguin lies face down in a pool of penguin blood.

Conclusion

Horrifying and disgusting online games of animal mutilation are all over the Internet. Get the word out.

Comments

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    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Pro-Kitten Lancher : Thanks, Dad!

    • profile image

      Pro-Kitten Lancher 

      6 years ago

      This is great stuff. I haven't had a good laugh in ages. The fact that you actually believe animal programs have souls was most convincing. You are a great comedy writer, keep up the funny articles. You and I should play duck hunter sometime.

    • tlpoague profile image

      Tammy 

      7 years ago from USA

      I think your hub is by far better than my dead kitty one. I love it and think you should win.

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj: hey now, I'm an engineer. I feel as best I can. ;)

      If you want literary gems, go read Stan Fletcher.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      7 years ago from south Florida

      But how do the folks you feel, feel?

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Tom Whitworth : Thank you for your concern. I feel OK.

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @dabeaner: I do remember that cartoon. It ended with Godzilla stepping on helpless Bambi. Sigh.

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 

      7 years ago from Moundsville, WV

      Nicomp,

      Dosesn't watching all this online violence effect your outlook on life? I sure hope so, because it would take a sick person to be uneffected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • dabeaner profile image

      dabeaner 

      8 years ago from Nibiru

      It's terrible. Terrible, I say. What is this world coming to?

      BTW, stream of consciousness flash -- your Hub reminded me of that famous movie short feature "Bambi Meets Godzilla".

      Hint: The ending is something like "splat!"

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