- Mental Health»
- Personality Disorders
Letting Go of My Narcissistic Sweetheart - A Choice Between Love, Hope and Sanity
Not Meant to Be
The ingredients were all there, a romantic story evolved from one page to the other, future plans were made and destiny brought us together.
I've written many Hubs on my romantic, passionate and intense relationship with the man I never really got to know. Poems, advice for women and men, how to last in a long distance relationship and how to avoid turning into a nagging wife.
Maintaining a long distance relationship is not easy but with Skype, messenger, whatsapp and Facebook, there are many ways to get in touch with your loved one.
Other than that you can send gifts by mail and you can write old fashioned postcards with loving words, to make your sweetheart remember you and the amount of love you feel for him. To let him know you miss him dearly for not being close to you, longing for his touch while going through the motions of the days.
Only 5 Weeks in 1 Year
When we just hit our two year anniversary I tried calling him several times without him answering the phone. Then I finally heard his voice. A superficial conversation followed, congratulations back and forth, little enthusiasm, something felt wrong.
When I look at the facts, he and I have been living apart from each other the last year. Only in summer we've spend a total of 5 weeks together which was an amazing time after not having touched each other for 8 months.
An explosion of emotions followed, we enjoyed every second of it and one day before going back to Spain, he proposed! I said yes, thinking I would go back to Brazil before Christmas, to settle down and start my life all over but things changed out of the blue.
Where's the Empathy?
One month after coming back to Valencia, I got bad news. I would lose my financial independency when moving to Brazil. Sudden changes made our financial future very insecure. That was no option nor was it possible for him to come back to Spain for the lack of jobs.
After the news I noticed a gradual change from being available online and picking up the phone to being unavailable, pushing away my calls and keeping me in the dark for whenever he was going to Skype me again. This went on for about 6 weeks or so.
His reasons for not being available varied from being busy at work, to being tired, meanwhile having me wondering about one simple question. "What happened with that guy I met in Valencia, being crazy about me, wanting me to share my life with him, now seemingly oblivious to any suffering on my part? How come he didn't care?"
Empathy makes a partner understand your feelings of loneliness. Real love is superior to anything. To the long distance, changed plans and the fear of having to start all over again in Spain. That is what he had to do. To come back or to speak up and say: "I'd rather stay in Brazil...I'm scared"
On top of being unavailable, I experienced a hostile form of silent treatment. It made me write one of my best poems. Bursting in Silence and Alone no more. Then the inevitable happened and all my questions got answered in a second.
When My Heart Sank
In the midst of my hopelessness, I was scrolling through Hubpages, reading and commenting on various Hubs. My eyes caught the title:
An excellent, detailed and interesting Hub about a topic I knew very little of. With every new sentence, my heart skipped a beat. Jellygator seemed to have written this Hub entirely for me!
I took a look at the full documentary of 45 minutes, he had added to this Hub and the only thing I felt was an amazing amount of recognition. Recognition and fear because I didn't want to believe at all what I read. Did I fell in love with someone who appeared to have too many symptoms of NPD?
It's not just how someone could develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder that could apply very easily to my sweetheart's past and upbringing but it was something else that knocked me completely of my feet.
Partners of people with NPD have no clue when they engage in a relationship with someone like this, simply because they won't recognize the symptoms. They will feel confused many times, thinking it's their fault when things go wrong and they won't recognize the manipulating side of NPD. I've always said: "No one is perfect. Everyone has it's mood swings or negative characteristics and besides I'm not an easy ride either."
Yet, I couldn't ignore what I was reading while getting the message loud and clear. Or you accept your partner with NPD, his lack of empathy and the fact that there is no cure, or you get out as soon as possible. Preferably before getting married!
On To the Next Travel...
I asked him one more time if he would be online sometime soon. I really needed to talk to him. He gave me the same answer. He wasn't sure but at least he messaged me back this time.
Now before any of you might think I decided to break of my engagement, based on a Hub I read, diagnosing my future husband without him knowing, I have to reassure you....that is not the case. I'm not a doctor but I looked at the facts and the mental state I was in while getting to the point of losing myself in that lonely place, when you feel your heart has been broken...again.
A few facts out of many:
- When you love someone you pick up the phone or call her back
- When you care for someone, you find the time to Skype even when you're busy
- When you miss someone, you want to hear her voice, send her messages and reassure her nothing's wrong
- When you respect someone, you don't change your status to single on Facebook without your future wife knowing
- When you want to spend your life with someone, you don't just text back after breaking up: Take care, be happy and thanks for everything.
Unfortunately my relationship went in the wrong direction, the distance made it complicated and the article on NPD opened my eyes to the possibility of continuing my life as a free woman again.
Single is what they call our group. Yak! I don't really like that word. It reminds me of the typical single woman who's desperately seeking for someone who could fill up that lonely spot on her sofa and warm her heart or anything else.
I'm fonder of the word, independent traveller because I know someone else is going to cross my path in life. Destiny has a way of sneaking up on you and you will never know when, how and where.
For having written a third part of my Hubs on my last romantic travel, I'm gonna keep those Hubs online, add a little update and continue my journey, for I don't look back with grieve or regrets. I am mostly very grateful for the memories we share.
Though I've had my heart broken many times, I'll never be able to give up on love, knowing time heals this painful wound, turning it into a soft scar, carefully hidden from the outside world, having this new cicatrice symbolizing a love that wasn't meant to be.
But now a new chapter has been born!