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A Mother & Daughter Cry
The first of many
As a mother, I have gone thru some difficult things with my angel girl, but today was especially hard. Today was her 9th birthday. The first birthday, since she met my husband, that he was not here to celebrate with her. He may as well have been in them all since she can't remember the toddler birthdays. I did the school cupcake thing today. She enjoyed her gifts. She had missionettes today. Her dad made her birthday camping wish come true last weekend. My presence was 'mandatory' so I survived nature. There is still birthday fun to come on Fri, Sat, and next Wed. All of this did not stop the truth from penetrating her little heart. On the way home from missionettes club, my baby girl shed her tears for her Daddy Robert. I could not protect her from sadness. I couldn't protect her from grief. I try to be an example for her. I try to show her joy despite the grief and pain. Still, the tears and questions came.
So, I heard what she had to say. I caressed and comforted thru hugs. I let her know that it is ok to be happy and ok to be sad. Then the questions came. Why did God take him? Why couldn't he be here for my birthday? He was ok when I kissed him goodnight, why was he gone in the morning? She has no choice but to turn to me, her mother, for help and answers. She doesn't know or understand how broken I am. My foundation and understanding is not any more solid than hers is. I fight back the questions and anger forcing myself to remember that I chose faith many years ago. I don't feel it and I am not sure if I believe it, but I still choose it.
With the amount of pain that we are dealing with, you would think new pain would not sting, but for a mother to know that this is a boo boo that she can't take care of stings. It stings like vinegar on an open wound. So I decided the best thing to do was to be honest and cry with her. I told her that I don't understand either and I miss him everyday too. Then I shared my beliefs. 'God is good. He knows so much more than we do. I don't understand. I want Daddy here with us too but I trust God even when its hard or I am hurt.' Then she went and talked to God.
So now I am here, more tears, more thoughts, and more feeling uneasy about the upcoming holidays. In two weeks it will be Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then we enter the first new year without my Prince. Lord help us and bring me words and works of encouragement.
I found a hub that I think will help me with how to deal with my child's grief.
Dedicated to my angel girl...
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Thank you. I love it and her.
Kennedy is a lovely name.
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Her name is Kennedy. I think she has healed well. I will have to wait and see what scars stay with her when she is an adult before I know for sure.
So how is your daughter? Since your husband's death that is.
Also, I was wondering what her name was.
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Yes. It is not something that I look back on with regret but it isn't something that I can go back to either. I learned how to better take care of things while they are good and untarnished. I learned how to prevent sad endings. I learned a lot.
Misspelled it. It's Steven Tyler, not Stephen.
At least you had the experience of failure. What did Stephen Tyler once say? "You got to lose to know how to win"?
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No need for sorry. It was nice... 8 years... we are still close friends... more like family. We were young and let the things that didn't matter much influence us and invite bitterness. It was a lesson to us both.
Sorry for asking this, but what happened with the relationship of the first guy (the biological father of your daughter)?
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You have an interesting relationship with the Bible Daniel.
"Hyphenbird I appreciate your comment and love the scriptures. I have been wanting to know what the bible says about widows and marriage."
Mostly stuff that's relevant to the culture in which it was written in. The Hebrew Bible contends that widows are helpless. The New Testament writers seem to agree. But also that widows are free women (Rom. 7:2-3, 1 Cor. 7:39). On marriage, the two are to share authority over the other's body (1 Cor. 7:4).
Some point to Eph. 5:22-31 but I think the author is speaking to a certain audience there that was having difficulty processing that Eph. 5:21 was being addressed also to woman and not just men.
There was a book that was written about the horrors of taking 1 Pet. 3:6-7 by Rachel Held Evans. The passage seems strange to me since there are exceptions to the rule in which the husband would be the weaker vessel. I would guess that 1 Pet. 3:1-7 in full was written to address the problems the author might have viewed with the Pagan society's treatment of women and was trying to correct that issue. Similar to 1 Cor. 11:2-16. Thus, providing a better standard than the Pagans. I have read that some theologians see God as working to abolish the corrupt versions of society by creating them less harsh at first and cooperating with the humans first only to work humans toward the goal of achieving absolute equality. Such can be seen in the case of slavery in the Bible.
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Commonality helped me too. It is a normalizer and gives hope. I am so happy to hear that my writing can bring you something positive.
I look forward to reading more of you...
May God continue to bless and keep you as each day unfolds -- I am thankful to have found your writing -- my loss is recent and it helps to read the honesty of your writing as write now I feel so alone. God bless you, Tami
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Hi Fennel,
Always nice to see you. I believe as you do. Time is not a healer at all. I wrote a hub about that called The Young Widow - Life goes on they say. That was a good writing for me because I was coming to terms with what time really means to me and what role it would play in my new life..
The photo was made from a facebook app called photomania. I made a few that I have used here. It is really simple and easy. The best part is that it is free in case you would like to make some.
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Thank you JinnyMarte. I, like you, believe that God has to be on it because if not I fear moving forward would be too difficult... I appreciate your prayers and thoughtful words.
Such a difficult time, I don't believe time heals, the scars remain forever, but I do believe you will come to accept grief and accomodate that emotion into your lives.
You both have wonderful memories, thank you for sharing some of them here - the bubble photo is amazing and very, very special. My heart is with you and your beautiful daughter.
Yes, I do understand exactly what you're saying here. Writing is a relief and a therapy at times. The mind can become as you have said crowded, and it is wise to let the pressure stain down a blank page rather than our hearts. I know the circumstances might not be the ones we would expect to push us into writing but I also believe that hard times can also bring the best out of us, for it triggers the sincerity of our hearts and even though it might leave us feeling vulnerable, it comes to show that there are still others out there like us, that truly are special enough to share their hearts as well. It is not the best circumstance what brought you to Hub Pages but, I am so glad that you are here...I will keep you both in my prayers, though I do not know how much good would they make for I believe God is already on it...
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Hello again JinnyMarte. I share to get some things out of my head. When I get them out into written word, I am able to alleviate some of the pressure on my mind. Its almost like thought crowd control. I am also hoping that my words will one day help another who is in the same position. I know that reading about others helped me a bit. I love the way you called it 'my mother's heart'. It was confirmation that although I do not feel it, a heart still exists under all the hollowness. I so appreciate your prayers. The prayers, I think have fueled us this far.
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Happyboomernurse, Wow, that is one huge complement. I thank you very much for it. I have to admit that the loss of my husband has me begging God to leave me down here for her. I was never a fearful person so I am hoping I grow out of this soon.
Once again I commend your bravery and willingness to share these very personal, very painful moments with us hubbers. It never gets any easier, it's true, but it is also truth that even when we do not understand the reasons why, we can always count on having the knowledge and the faith that God knows better and He not only sees us through but also strenghtens our steps each day a little more. Your mother's heart is pointed in the right direction. Nothing has proven better than honesty. I pray the Almighty Father continues to shelter you and your daugther today, tomorrow and forever for times to come.
Children are more resilient than we think they are, especially when they are supported and loved as your daughter so obviously is. Just keep taking your cues from her as you already are doing as evidenced by this sentence: "So, I heard what she had to say. I caressed and comforted thru hugs. I let her know that it is ok to be happy and ok to be sad."
That is mothering at its finest even though you are still too close to your own pain to see just how good a mother you are being to her.
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Becky, I look forward to seeing more of you.
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Hello Happyboomernurse. Thank you for reading and commenting on my work. The questions are very similar to the ones that I fight back in my own mind. Hearing them from my girls sweet voice cut thru me like a blade thru a screen. It is difficult to know what the right thing to say and do is. Your words are comforting. I just want her to be whole. I know so many people who grow up broken because of the things that they have to face as children.
My heart goes out to you and your little girl and I shall say a prayer for both of you today. Those questions your daughter asked must have torn you apart, but I so admired the truthful and gentle way you answered them. Children know when we are not telling them the truth and when we don't allow them to ask their questions about death and express their own grief it makes it harder for them to cope, not easier. I am glad you are sharing small parts of your own sadness with her and also giving her the comfort that she needs from you.
May God Bless You Both and Keep You in His Tender Care,
Just remember that we are a loving group and if you need us, just come visit. We will give all the help that we can. I will be staying in touch with your writing. Love and compassion, never pity. My heart and prayers are with you.
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Nice to meet you MovieMasters. I would love to sit with you and just pick your brain and hear your stories. 2 years seems impossible and to know that you are there and your situation is so similar to mine speaks positively to my heart. I still can't see that far ahead but know that it can happen.
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Nice to meet you marcoujor. I am so happy to meet you. I am humbled and surprised at the number of people on here that willingly share words of encouragement and love to me when they may never physically look upon my face. It is a constant reminder that love goes on in so many different levels and while my Prince and his love are gone, there is so much left.
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Good morning ChatKath. It has always been easier for me to write than to speak. This is why I have not pursued the therapy that others keep recommending (all the time). I believe that I know myself very well. All though I am having trouble recognizing myself right now, I am relying on what I know for now. Groups and therapies may be a future step. You have been there with me thru numerous hubs. I have to thank you for that. My friends are faithful and true, but they are busy and I make them feel awkward so you have been there for me more than most of my long time friends are. I can't be more grateful to you for that.
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Good morning ChatKath. It has always been easier for me to write than to speak. This is why I have not pursued the therapy that others keep recommending (all the time). I believe that I know myself very well. All though I am having trouble recognizing myself right now, I am relying on what I know for now. Groups and therapies may be a future step. You have been there with me thru numerous hubs. I have to thank you for that. My friends are faithful and true, but they are busy and I make them feel awkward so you have been there for me more than most of my long time friends are. I can't be more grateful to you for that.
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Hyphenbird I appreciate your comment and love the scriptures. I have been wanting to know what the bible says about widows and marriage. To be honest the text is so big and it has been so long since theology classes that I have not had the strength to find it myself.
Faith is hard but I have always been stubborn.
Hello Moms-secret, I too am pleased to meet you from an introduction from my friend, marcoujor.
I can so relate to your words here, my husband died when my 2 children were young, I never thought I would ever have the strength and courage to help them through their grief.
But somehow you do...
We are here for you, so reach out and we will be here, keep writing, it helps.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and I too send cyber hugs, best wishes MM
Hi Moms-Secret,
I am glad to meet you through my friend Becky. Oh dear, you have a journey ahead and you will do this one step at a time. You will find help when you least expect it. You will find strength in yourself that you never imagined. And all the while, you will question why... and you may never know that one.
We are all here for you and writing can be the best medicine. Many cyber hugs, mar.
I am glad that you have been able to share your day-to-day struggles with us, although I am sure there is nothing easy about it, maybe it is a way to put things in perspective for you right now, slowly growing stronger each day - only to collapse again and pull yourself back up and keep going. Hang in there, we are all sending comforting prayers, wishes and strength! Keep writing.
Dear Moms-Secret. Like Becky, I can only love you and offer my support and encouragement. Here are some Scriptures for your comfort. God always loves us and He never, ever causes us pain like this. Joy in Jesus, Brenda.
**For I will turn their mourning into joy, will comfort them, and make them rejoice rather than sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13
**Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. John 16:20
Yes, night-time is the worst time. It makes it hard to sleep. Pray for a relaxed mind, maybe that will help.
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Hello Becky, thank you for your love and compassion. Thank you for taking the time to read my hub and think of such kind things to say. We keep busy which is good, but she looks tired. She is like me. As we relax for bed and prepare to end our day our truth hits hard and its hard for us to take.
I so wish that I could help you but I can only offer my love and compassion. I give you encouragement that God will get you through this. My prayers are with you and your Angel. Getting through this is going to be hard. My best suggestion is to keep her and you busy. It will not give you time to think about things.
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