Are you ready to die?

He lay there hospitalized for the ambulance took him there as the chemotherapy went horribly wrong. He kissed the hands of his young children as they gurney him into that damned ambulance. And the man cried to leave them but looked up and saw the stars and moon above and was just fine to join them.

It was not a matter of being defeated in the game of life and losing it by chance and death. It was a revelation that though he had not yet done real good he had lived. In that living he had cheated the end a time or two. And he had made 3 fine children. And they were knowing that he would suffer to stay with them. But could go peacefully and rest.

We must see that our will is not just about what to wear or where to live. It is often about if we live. And while that is not really our choice to make, sometimes it is given to us.

I am ready to die. I really am. And it is a great relief on a day to day basis.It is not a matter of finishing a bucket list or wanting to go to another place, it is just a peace. Something that removes the fear, or at least over comes it. It is something like having to finally recognize that we are not so smart and should just do as is required of us, like stop fudging on your taxes or going in for a physical exam.

When you finally stop trying to figure out how to build a better mouse trap or how to get by without the hard work. Like when you decide that when there is real trouble brewing around you it is not time to go to the brew. Like figuring out that pills are not a good way to lose weight but exercise and diet are good ways.

Try this one on for size: It is like finally realizing how much you love your spouse and that any thing less than staying married and working on it is just not an option. Or how about realizing that your children are really capable of making their own decisions. Or that your wife married you and not your dog.

These things are not necessarily resignation to fatalism or to tasks that seem too large. These things are more akin to riding a bike. If you do not peddle you will fall over trying to balance.

It was nearly a decade ago and the writer drove his of age son to Ls Angeles International Airport where he was headed out to India and would for sure be climbing in the Himalayas and he was for sure a risk taker. It was hard to say good bye.

As the writer writes at this moment he sent his young four year old out on a bike ride with the cousin. It is hard to say good bye.

The big "let go" is as tough as nails and even harder to swallow. But we do it.

If I were to go tomorrow I would be so sad about all the days that I would miss living this life to it's fullest and being here longer for those completely crazy people that like what I contribute to their lives. Oh big deal,,, yes all my dependents would be taken care of quite well. Yes I have already embedded in my youngest values we hold dear, believe it or not things like reverence, and discipline and all the kinds of love and honesty and loyalty and commitment to do as promised. And deep abounding interest in all things science and nature. And probably in my house, a deep abiding absolute motion in our lives to keep learning and learning and learning.

And all of that is not enough. Things done and or left undone. Debts and credits are just not the way to size up being ready. And I am sorry to say a personal relationship with your God will not get you there either.

Find a good mirror. Perhaps a closet type one and pull up a chair. Forgive yourself right there and right now in front of that mirror. While we have notions of nature versus nurture and a creator perhaps, only one person made you who you are at this moment looking into that mirror. Do not second guess and feel free to criticize if you can do that with love and forgiveness in your heart.

I tell you this! If you are reading this article you have done very well. If you are thinking about forgiving yourself and letting go of the silly nuances of life then right now and right here as you look in that mirror you are fantastic. While we know you are not finished yet, you have run the race and won. You are a hero to others and an inspiration to our world. So that if you are called right now, you go as a victor in this world.

If you cannot do the above, change and change now and hurry up. I do not want to meet you elsewhere and see you suffer the slings and arrows of not loving yourself.

Many of us work really hard to love all people. Really we do. We may have any notion of spiritualism. They might celebrate a Eucharist or point in a direction to pray every so often each day. They may just sit in meditation all day long. And as we know that in fact many a soldier has prayed and begged for love to stop the fighting.

Some us have to work really really hard at it and fall far short. It is in this effort that we learn that when we cannot love everyone there is a serious stumbling block. And over time we as good folk are learning that that stumbling block is two fold: We cannot be in and of the moment and we cannot fully forgive and love ourselves.

Yes I know that sounds crazy. But if we were not a bit crazy what would keep us from going insane.

So we say "hey if Eric can really try to love me, though he not really know me, can't I at least try to love and forgive myself.

And when I do, I can actually be ready to die. For in this love we find that we must die to ourselves and be reborn in love.