Bipolar Disorder: I Think This Is As Close To Serenity As I'll Ever Get

I went for nice leisurely walk early this morning. I don’t usually take my walks in the wee hours of the day. Especially this time of year when the air is crisp, and there is a chill in the air. I decided to walk a few miles through the backwoods along the icy river. I stopped at a huge pile of rocks resting along the river bank. As a child, with my siblings and friends, we swam at this very same spot. It is now so unbelievably quiet, peaceful, and eerily serene. Not to mention chilly beyond tears.

The river however, has receded many feet since I was a child. The grass and the woods surrounding it has grown lush and a very bright green in the warm months. In winter however it is desolate and lonely. Sitting at the bend of the river, it is still a murky chocolate. But it still carries the hopeful feeling of my childhood. The water barely flowing past as it bubbles over the fallen trees and rocks, the overwhelming chatter of birds fluttering throughout. Either forgetting to fly south or more comfortable at this river known to me. This is not just another winter day.

I think that is as close to serenity as I will ever get. Having bipolar 1 disorder, it is a gift when I have moments like this. The storms come often with bipolar, and when peace enters I am always grateful. Before I was medicated, I was so much better at describing my feelings about my surroundings. I just know sitting on that pile of rocks along the river bank was a feeling I don’t want to forget. Trying to describe things in a fog of medication is much harder than not. So I do my best to remember what I can, as vividly as I remember.

In this super fast paced life, living with bipolar and OCD, I tend to get lost in a storm of chaos. Finding equilibrium is not something that comes easily. But sitting out in the middle of nowhere on a freezing pile rocks along a long ago forgotten river brought out emotions and a calmness I rarely get to feel. I imagine people take this kind of feeling for granted.

Waking up in the morning feeling normal. I only feel that way occasionally. Across the road from the river is a field. A big nothingness. A field of vast brown frosty nothingness. You can feel safe and free, forever lost in a cloud of safety. So I continued my walk along the gravel road listening to the birds rolling along the river like race cars dashing for the finish. Apparently these birds are here to stay.

Whether I missed this because I didn't walk in the morning, or I woke up in a good mood doesn't matter. What matters is I found a chunk of peace I can treasure always, and there is hope I will have more days just like these. These are the normal days that bipolar robs, these are the normal days that I will continue to wish for.