Bipolar Disorder Is Often A Curse Although Some Have Said It's A Blessing

I am very good at feigning normalcy and happiness when I need to. Or I think so anyway. Sometimes so good I often convince myself that everything is actually fine. And I should be running for office, or be running some corporate conglomerate. But I am doing neither of those things. As much as I would like to be doing something of that caliber, I am hardly that successful. Or in control of my life.

I  am not always fine. Sometimes I have to fake that normalcy just to keep myself alive and functioning. Sometimes, most of the time I feel guilty for needing to pretend my life really isn't that bad all the time. Despite the stress, various elements are putting me through hell unfortunately. Because of such stress, I've learned to fake it because my mood swings affect the people in my life in ways I cannot understand. I only know what they do to me.

I have friends and family who have different varieties of circumstances that may or may not be dire. It wouldn't be fair to them for me to only worry about myself. If I pretend that I am okay I can focus on helping the people around me.

That is how I have to live my life on a day to day basis. When someone asks me, "Are you okay"? I usually answer with some version of "fine" "mostly okay". What that really means is most of the time I have convinced myself I am perfectly fine. I don't think there is anything to be done about this really. As long as they think I am doing okay, then that has to be okay.

I am on several different medications for Bipolar 1 Disorder,  and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)  and I know they work fairly well right now. I am about as stable as I am ever going to be. I have breakthrough episodes, but nothing like when I am off my medications. Without medication,  my life would be turned upside down and inside out. I would have nothing to look forward to,  my life is a disaster without them. I have been living like this for a very long time now. I guess I will have to see  if the medications work for a while longer into the future.

I can’t say I would want to be bipolar if I were given the choice to be cured. It has taught me many things. I have done things in my life I would have never done if it had not  been for bipolar and serious psychotic episodes. I would have missed a whole lot of living. But on the other hand I more than likely would have traveled a far different road than I have done. I wouldn't have been hospitalized over 20 times, I wouldn't  have been medicated most of my life, I would be able to remember things, it is hard to say if bipolar is a blessing or a curse.

Because I have have been in more trouble than I care to admit. I am not proud of the things I have done. And that saddens me. I want to be able to look back on my life and see good, not craziness all over the place. But I have to look at it as something I was given. I can’t give it back. So in essence it is what, or  who I am, or part of who I have become. No taking that back. I am not a bad person. I am too kind, I feel things to deeply. I am emotional about a lot of things, I care about other people’s feelings, I hate to see pain. I think that may be the blessing of bipolar, so in the long run I have to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly.