Have you ever been up real late when it hit you? This slight remorse of a memory that over takes your emotion. You get this slight fuzzy, warm feeling inside yet sorrow runs through your veins. You then feel a slight emotional connection with what your seeing, hearing or smelling. It brings back joyful thoughts yet pain that they are over. Much like a kid in a candy store, you are overwhelmed with this unspeakable joy that somehow over takes every ounce of your being. I felt that way tonight...
It was 2:00AM when it struck me. Watching a re-run of an old T.V. show I never really got into yet it still brought this essence of joy in me. I remembered being young. Being a little girl again, not fearing nothing and willing to try anything. The feeling as if I was still a young girl over took me. I was almost in tears, but of sadness or joy, I was uncertain. I felt as if I was in the home I grew up in. Staying up late because I couldn't sleep. I had this connection with the little girl who once lived inside of me. I can't explain it... I can't even acknowledge why it happened.
The sent of candles and dust filled the air. It was short yet sweet. A smell in which I haven't smelled in years. I had the thought of what I will do tomorrow... Will I swim? Will I ride my bike? Where will I go? I felt as if I was living in the past, while in the present, falling into my future.
The thoughts, the scents overwhelmed me, and tears clouded my eyes. I wanted to once again be that little girl. The one who never cared what she looked like or what she did, she was just happy to be alive. This emotional connection with my thoughts has happened before, but not quite like this one. I felt, for the first time in my life, I was home. I felt loved, scared, happy yet some how disconnected from who I am right now. It was almost as if the little girl I was, was once alive again.
Sitting here, typing this, I am in tears. I can't explain this emotion connection, why it happened, or what I was even thinking when it a cured. I just felt, "okay". I haven't felt truly okay in so long. I grew up fast and always second guessed myself. I judged everything I did. I couldn't remember the last time I felt free from myself, yet some how, there I was, once again living it.
I'm not quite sure what overcame me, but it felt so good to not feel any fear. It only lasted a matter of minutes, but its if I was reassured, that who I am, who I was, and who I will become is "okay".