Freed From Depression, By a light of pure love
The dragon in the dark, slayed
I spent many years, in the depths of a hell that only those who struggle with depression and anxiety can comprehend. Hours seemed like days. The second hand ticked almost meaninglessly, and the grief that penetrated my soul had no specific cause.
I had severe trauma at an early age, and when face to face with those tragedies, I broke. My mind delved into a place of darkness and fear. I held anger and resentment like a badge on my chest, when inside all I truly longed for was peace of mind.
Someone said the opposite of depression was vitality, for me, the opposite of depression was simply sanity, something I craved more than air.
I lived in a darkness so great that even the smallest light appeared wonderful, yet so far away, trapped within my soul so dreary, I felt no hope to ever reach a light even half that size.
I spent my days dreaming, and my nights silently screaming. Nightmares plagued me almost as much as my feelings. My emotions were drained daily over things that were small, yet seemed like mountains that were too high and treacherous to ever climb.
I tried to serve God, I tried so hard. The more I saw of Him, The more I saw of life. Yet because of the abuse I was dealt at an early age in life, I rejected Him without having that intention. I pushed Jesus away, just like I pushed everyone away who got too close. I wouldn't listen to Him. While life with Him was much more pleasant, I always had a terrible fear that He too would leave me bleeding and bruised. I could never submit my life or will to Him. People who showed me Him, (who they thought He was) had hurt me terribly. And all the blame fell squarely on the shoulders of God Himself.
I wrestled for years, fighting everything within myself to get closer to Jesus. I struggled every step of my Christian walk, trying to find peace in God, yet holding desperately to myself. Me giving in to Jesus was like world war 3 and it lasted for 30 years.
I finally started really praying. Pouring my heart out to my savior. It was painful, extremely painful. However the more I spoke with Him about my pain, the more my love and trust in Him grew. Until one day two weeks ago, I finally decided that it was come to Him openly giving Him all of me, or give up the whole thing all together.
I began praying deep in my spirit, I begged Jesus to take all of me, to fill me with Himself so much that I could no longer feel the weight of this world. I was willing to completely die at that point if that's what it meant to be free of the darkness and free in His light.
He told me to do many things. That may seem a little strange to most, but then again, my path with the Lord has always seemed a little strange, even to me. He made me submit to Him, in things that seemed silly. Things that seemed so simple, yet I could never do what He told me too. These were things that made me feel silly. Like praising Him on my front porch, in front of the whole world. But I was so desperate, I was willing to do anything. I even stood on my front porch and shouted Hallelujah at the top of my lungs. Then went inside and just about died from embarrassment. But like I said, I was desperate.
Finally I kneeled down on the floor, completely defeated, (in a good way) finally having given up my will begging please Lord, Please, come into me now.
He took over. I have never in my life felt such love, such ecstasy, such peace. I didn't know it was possible to feel things so strongly and still breath air. I was metaphorically in an ocean filled with crashing waves of hope and love. I was swallowed up by a raging sea of joy and thanksgiving. It was like my world had ended in an overwhelming moment of pure light, and my life was new along with my mind and soul.
I can't even begin to tell you the amazing things that have changed in my life over the last 2 weeks since that happened. Everything is different about me. No more darkness, no more despair, just love that I've never experienced before, and peace that melted away the fear and the walls that had surrounded me for almost a lifetime.
I was filled with the Holy Ghost, without doubt this time, And all I can say is, My life will never be the same.
The dragon in the dark, has finally been slayed.
Lord, I pray for any one reading this right now who is struggling with emotional or mental illness. I pray that you bring them the peace that passeth all understanding that is only found in you. I pray you fill their hunger for love, and quench their dry and thirsty souls with your living water. Lord I pray that everyone who reads this will find healing for damaged emotions and that they are released from the torture of anguish and despair. I pray for complete emotional healing for them right now in the name of Jesus, and I pray that you help them recover every thing that was lost in the turmoil. I pray that you let their actions line up with your word, and that they will submit their will to you in order to find truth and the light of pure love. Lord I pray you give them the full assurance of faith in you. I bind every enemy that is coming against their hearts, minds, and will right now in the name of Jesus and pray that they are loosed to be free in You. I pray that on the submission of their will that you fill them with your Spirit and change their lives completely.
In the name of Jesus I pray