A Story About Depression, Attempted Suicide, Nervous Breakdown
All I could think of was never waking up again for being awake and conscious was too painful. Life wasn’t how I mapped it out to be, love was not the way I thought it should be. I was unloved and certainly unwanted, no children to take care of, no real friends, no real job, no money, no nothing.
Hopeless, lonely, ugly, a failure. I wasn’t living, I was just alive but had no life. When Patrick told me he didn’t really want me, he had someone else that was the icing on the cake. After a year of supporting and giving everything to this man, he didn’t want me? He had his woman?
In a daze I went to the drug store and bought a bottle of pills (I won’t say which), returned home and downed them. Locking myself in my bedroom I decided to tell a few people goodbye. I didn’t tell them what I was doing; I just told them that they may never see me again. That was the big mistake. I thought I was being thoughtful in doing so, I didn’t expect they would realize what was taking place and interfere. Nosy and interfering spoiled it for me, for before I could go off to sleep my brother was knocking on my door. I refused to answer but he kicked the door in instead.
I was rushed to the hospital on December 15, 2005. My stomach was pumped to get out the meds before they were digested. Wait a minute this was so familiar, did I dream it? Wait, no, it happened before.
In the year 2000 I was doing fine until I realized that my life was going nowhere. It hit me that I really wasn’t going to bear kids and maybe no one was ever going to want me. It was a normal day at work and I developed a headache, I got the bottle of painkillers from the medicine cabinet and took two. Somehow I told myself that two would never do the trick, I felt so tired and wanted just to sleep. I took two more and two more until I took the entire bottle.
I staggered into my boss’ office laughing and crying at the same time. What was so funny? I don’t know! He knew something was wrong as this was not my normal behavior. He said I told him that the headache wouldn’t go away. All this I barely remember.
Why would someone want to take their own life, twice? Depression.
Depression is an illness that is caused through stress. It sometimes run in families. Many factors can bring depression through stress. Loss of job, bankruptcy, business failure, death of loved one, heart break, trauma, accident. If any one factor can lead to depression, imagine someone experiencing more than one.
Here are some depression symptom you should know about.
A life of Pain and Distress
1997 – a year of heart break. My first real broken heart. I have broken up with persons before, felt hurt, sad and dejected but Craig was different. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was busy with church; the choir, training to be a Sunday school teacher, prayer group, missionary group, youth group, you name it.
It started one night when he offered to walk me home. It wasn’t a far journey, just a very lonely road. First he stayed for a few minutes, then ten, then 30 then hours and hours. We talked about everything. It had gotten clear that something was between us and we started discussing marriage. He told me he wasn’t quite ready but that he wanted to marry me. The decision was that we had to at least get engaged in order not to get in trouble with church as our church has strict rules about relationships and marriage.
One night he stayed too late and we decided to just spread a blanket on the veranda and talk until morning. Bad idea! We made love. I didn’t want to do it again but he kept wanting to. I refused. The church board found out because he was a blabber mouth. We were both reprimanded and put on probation. When questioned by our pastor about what transpired, to save his own neck, he told him that I was the one who seduced him.
He tried to apologize to me and wanted to resume our relationship but was still not ready to get married; I would have none of that. He, refusing to admit to our relationship in a clean manner and taking the next step and get engaged was devastating to me. I was booked on a trip to the Cayman Islands that summer and I went without knowing how I would get through it.
I stood on the pier and looked out wishing I could just jump in. the tears flowed so hard, I never felt such desolation for all of my 26 years of existence. For the seven days I spent in Cayman I was miserable, desolate, despairing and angry. How could he do that to me and still wanted to have sex with me? I wasn’t forcing him to marry me. I never asked him to marry me. How could he lie like that? He broke me. I could feel the pain in my chest where my heart broke over and over whenever I thought about him, which was all the time.
I made anger my friend and decided never to speak to him again. He came back wanting to sleep with me and I gave him a good you know what, thinking I could give him a taste to let him know what he would never have. I think it worked for he never stopped hounding me and I never gave him the time of day. I told him to leave me alone.
Stop asking "why me".
(1) Literally look in the mirror, take your clothes off first, look at the things about your body that are nice, like the smoothness of your skin, the color of your eyes, the shape of your breasts. don't see the things you hate, try finding the things that make other people think you are beautiful. keep doing it until you see them.
(2) Do a task and accomplish it, meaning finish it and double check it. Admire it not once but over and over until you realize that you did that. You may wonder "did I do that?".
(3) Whenever you are kind to someone, tell yourself that you are a good person , over and over until you believe it.
(4) Whenever you feel down that is the day you look your best, wear something great, put on make-up if you are a female. Go get a haircut, a pedicure, manicure or go out to lunch. When people admire you beam and smile and go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Try to see what they see.
I know these suggestions all sound superficial but trust me it's just the beginning of making yourself better. When you can start seeing the physical as beautiful in a while the inner person will start feeling better.
Thanks for taking the time to read this painful story about the girl from Jamaica. One love!!
Before I bore you to death let me summarize:-
1986 – raped by church brother
1996 – broken heart
1996 – trauma; major surgery for endometriosis
1999 – trauma; hysterectomy (total pelvic clearance)
1999 – being told I could not have any children
2003 – loss of employment
2005 – failed business
2005 – Used by boyfriend
2006 – January started a new job which turned out to be the worse nightmare yet. The business was in debt. My former boss who was a friend asked me to help him rebuild the business. As it turned out he was just fronting as the Manager in order to bring back some sort of reputation to the business. I also knew the rightful owner but not very well.
There were times when the boss disappeared and could not be reached. I stupidly would use my savings and credit cards to pay staff and utilities, thinking I would get back my money. Both credit cards are now useless, I’m in debt up to my ears because of that business that I grew attached to. I wanted to see the business grow and yes to some point it did. But as soon as things started to get better the boss showed up and used the money and we went back to square one. I wanted to buy the business from him but he owed too much on the business, it would not be wise to buy all that debt.
Anyway there were times when I locked myself in the apartment and did not want to get out of bed. There was one time I thought that people were outside to get me and could not go to work. The man who saved me was my former boss who happens to be the best friend one could hope for. He helped me to understand that there were no men outside wanting to ‘get’ me. He made me understand that it was all in my head and I was having a nervous breakdown.
He helped me by giving me back my old job (he just did it for me as the position did not exist anymore). I started doing self-defense again and all the physical activities I used to do. My confidence slowly returned and I started to realize how beautiful I was both inside and out. I decided that when I could pay my credit card bills I would, but I was not going to get another nervous breakdown because of debt. I told the collections agency to take me to court or leave me alone instead of hiding every time they called.
My life is the way it should be. I look back and know that I had to go through all of the above in order to be that strong person I am today. If my story can help someone I am even happier. I did not get therapy. I healed myself from the inside. It was like a slow rebirth, painful but worth it. I don’t feel shattered, desperate for love and attention, desperate to kids, to feel like a woman any more. I feel a sense of peace. I love me for who I am and it doesn’t matter what you think. The most important person now is me. If I can’t love me first then I can’t love you.
For all the persons out there who have gone through any of the trials I have, don’t despair, find someone to talk to. If you don’t have anyone close, talk to me. I would love to help. One of the things that helped me most was writing about it. I found it very healing to do so.