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Health and Safety Game in the Killer Kitchen - Images not for the faint hearted

Updated on December 29, 2015
My friend put his finger into his blender to clean it BEFORE HE SWITCHED IT OFF! Take care to follow health and safety best practice in the kitchen.
My friend put his finger into his blender to clean it BEFORE HE SWITCHED IT OFF! Take care to follow health and safety best practice in the kitchen. | Source

Stranger Kitchen Danger

Everybody knows that the home is the most dangerous place and statistics show that most of these occur in the kitchen. This is no accident, (forgive the pun). You might think it's just because kitchens are the most used room of the house, or that there are many dangers such as boiling liquids or draws not properly closed. This may be a fact, but it's only part of the story. The real truth is that, like all inanimate objects, kitchen gadgets really are out to get you.

Kitchen machines are mean machines.

They mean business. It has been proved that it's as easy to Train an Elephant in One Easy Step as it is to tame those deviant kitchen appliances. Buy a pressure steamer or a deep fryer? Way too scary! These are the heavies when it come to kitchen killers ready to blow you up or incinerate bits of you, but even the more innocuous looking toaster can deal out sudden death or grievous bodily harm faster than you can say 'Jack Robinson'. Lets look at just a few of those lethal lovelies:

(Statistics and damn kitchen statistics)

Take health and safety in the kitchen very seriously

Is health and safety too serious for humour?

See results
Electric shock toaster torture
Electric shock toaster torture | Source
Killer kettles
Killer kettles | Source
Bleeding blenders
Bleeding blenders | Source
Fearsome fridges
Fearsome fridges | Source
Mean (washing) machines
Mean (washing) machines | Source
Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water ...
Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water ... | Source

Appliance of Science (fiction)

Savage steamers

Steamers are top of my list because they look and sound dangerous. They are designed to build up pressure of steam to dangerous and explosive levels. They hiss and spit as they jet out steam waiting for you to lower your face just close enough and then ... Steamer tactics: The steamer will burn if touched, direct steam at hands, faces and any other part of the body and, if provoked, explode.

Toaster tortures

Toasters, despite their diminutive size, are in the Sudden Death league along with fridges and washing machines . Study the video below to see just how lethal they can be with their wide range of attack from burnt fingers to death by electric shock.

Devilish deep fryers

Chip fryers are the big baddies of the kitchen. They are filthy animals, wallowing in their own dirt and spitting foul fat all over the tiles and surfaces. There they sit, lurking, waiting for their friend the gas ring to get into action and then the race is on - can they generate enough heat for spontaneous combustion before you notice what they're up to? Never take your eyes of this menacing little monster.

Flaming frying pans

Frying pans are the little brothers to the more intimidating deep fryers. They may seem innocuous but turn your back on them and you have flames sky-high.

Killer kettles

Kettles are sneaks when it comes to dealing out the danger. You think of the kettle as your friendly chum, always ready with a nice cup of tea, but watch out that the little blighter doesn't just give your hand a nasty scald with a well-aimed steam of jet.

Bleeding blenders

Soup blenders are the greatest temptresses. They whip up all the stalks and fibers in the soup and wrap them around their super-sharp blades just willing you to pop a finger in to dislodge the mess and then - wham - they fly into action and whip off a finger tip or two.

Fearsome freezers and Frightening fridges

Your refrigerator sits quietly humming in the corner of the kitchen, the freezer coughs and shudders from time to time, but both are like basking crocodiles just waiting for some small child to climb into their 'gently smiling jaws' during a game of Hide and Seek and then - slowly, silently they go into action, drawing the body heat slowly but surely until all you're left with is a lifeless corpse. Chilling!

Why fridges explode

Mean washing machines

Washing machines apply much the same tactics as the fridges and freezers, but once inside the child will suffocate or worse still, an unsuspecting parent will wash the child to death.

Crazy cookers

Cookers like to nip your arms and hands as you get things in and out of the oven. That is why a cooks' arms will have burn marks from finger to elbow. You can buy battle gauntlets to minimize this but it is just a matter of time before the cooker gets through your defenses. It is also quite happy to gas you given any opportunity; so easy to think that you have lit the ring when really the cooker has withdrawn gas at the very last moment. Alternatively, it will wait for a nice sunny day and put out a great flame that the sunshine renders invisible. Outcome? Badly burnt hand.


FACT:

2009-2013, cooking was top cause of home fires and No. 3 cause of home fire deaths.

Estimated average of 162,400 cooking fires in US every year. Read more

Gruesome graters

Cheese graters may seem small and insignificant compared to many other kitchen devices, and yet they are simply lying quietly just waiting for the opportunity to draw blood. Unlike the machines, a grater is clever enough to make you the author of your own downfall. How many knuckles are grated along with the stub of the carrot? How often do you grate your thumb along with the cheese?

Cunning cheese slicers

Last, but not least, the cunning Lesser Cheese Slicer. This, like it's rougher cousin, the grater, is happy to let you have control, but one false move while slicing cheese Into decorative shapes and you'll shave off an elegantly fine sliver of skin.


Kitchen safety

Take care in the kitchen

I hope that these cautionary tales will enable you to outwit the kitchen killers and avoid assault at their hands (so to speak). See the links below for some precautions you can take to keep you safe in the Killer Kitchen.

Finally, I would just like to thank Stan Fletcher, who is My Favorite Hubber, for drawing these daily dangers to my attention. Thanks Stan.

Only one question remains: Was the Lone Ranger Gay?

Please note that this Hub is written by my alter ego DaisyChain in order safeguard the reputation of the more po-faced author, Les Trois Chenes.

Harry Hill demonstrates what happens when you don't follow proper kitchen health and safety guidelines

More kitchen gore from the Annoying Orange

© 2010 DaisyChain

Health and Safety in the Kitchen Comments

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    • DaisyChain profile imageAUTHOR

      DaisyChain 

      7 years ago from France

      Hi De Greek, I am trully thrilled to be considered, even though not a dead cert, as a winner in this awesome competition.

      However, I must point out that I cannot be party to any suggestion of bribery and corruption. Therefore, rest assured that I would never even consider sending flowers or chocolates et al. I am, however, of a charitable nature, and so would of course be more than happy to donate any winnings to good causes such as "The Three Judges Charity".

      I await the results with bated breath.

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 

      7 years ago from UK

      Hello?

      As one of the three judges of this here competition may I just say that I consider this Hub to be a likely candidate for first prize? A candidate, mind you, not a cert.

      May I also casually mention that we have formed a new charity, coincidentally called “The Three Judges Charity” and any contribution you may care to make to it shall be given the consideration it deserves?

      Furthermore, I wish to give the lie to inaccurately spurious and dastardly rumours spread by a person who shall remain nameless (let’s call him Stan for argument’s sake) that we shall be happy with bribes of only chocolates and flowers? Naturally we live for literature and are doing this for the good of humanity, but any poor chump who thinks that he or she will have a chance in hell of winning this competition with a bunch of flowers, has another thing coming. ;-)

    • DaisyChain profile imageAUTHOR

      DaisyChain 

      7 years ago from France

      Many thanks for your initial ideas and comments. Great fun writing it but hope it's also a useful guide to kitchen safety.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 

      7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      This is very well done and hysterical. LOVED the video too. What a perfect fit! I'm a fan!

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