Identifying Identity: Who I Am
I wrote this in retrospect of an older writing I'd written about myself at the time. It's a piece about the person I've become after growing up a bit. It seems like things continue to change as I grow older and things are just different. Here is a piece that I wrote, hope you enjoy it!
If you're interesting in knowing more about me as a person or a writer, leave a comment! I'd love to start a discussion. :)
Who I Am
Back in high school I thought I knew who I was. At least I thought I had a pretty good idea. I knew I couldn't be described by simple adjectives. I knew that I could only be known for my actions. These were things I knew back then and I still know them to this day, though who I am is quite a bit skewed from back then. I had morals and values and opinions that now have changed over the years. I was once a bit more peaceful, staying calm and clear headed. Though from various stimuli I find myself unable to think clearly, worried, and frustrated easily by the actions of other. I find myself no longer backing up those around me, but catching the same faults they are accused of having.
I considered myself mature back then, knowing so much at such a young age. Though now I understand I know nothing and the power of my fate is determined by own knowledge. I believed I was going to succeed with little effort, though now I see success is hard earned. I see that my own progress is not based upon my past endeavors, but my present efforts. Those such things are feeble and hardly as successful as past endeavors. Where have I gone in all this time? Who have I become?
I had silly morals, childish and unrealistic goals in the life of a young man. I sought to remain un-corrupt and unscathed by the world around. Though it seems that one cannot commit to all things. One cannot make promises that are by far unable to predict. I chose to make the right decisions and ensure my own personal success. Though as time has worn on these goals have fizzled out like flames. Who I am now is not who I was once was. Identifying Identity means knowing who you are, not who you once were. Though at times you must look back and find some answers.
True friends were once "true", though now we have grown apart and begun to carry ourselves contrary to our former selves. I once confided in many of them, though as I grow and become a new person I have discovered disclosure and confidence. It is now a time to keep secrets and reveal at your own discretion. Many still ask, hoping to understand, though at times I don't either.
I once played a neutral role and for some time it worked out. Though as I grow into the man I am today, my opinions are sometimes unbridled, combating with who I was once was. Silence was once commonly accepted, though silence now brings upon regret and struggle. So now, I say what I need to say it. My opinion of people changed over this time and therefore my ideals concerning a powerful friendship. Their identity has also grown askew.
I once believed that growth would help those become a "real" person and express themselves. Though now I see carbon copies and plastic dummies. People grow more docile, forged and mutated by the environment around them. There is no unbridled enthusiasm or vibrant personality, only what the person wants to show. We're never sure what we're going to get.
I used to be so excited and energetic, though now I find myself lethargic and uninterested. With age I have grown prematurely fatigued, unable to fuel the excitement I once had. What happened to it? What had I done to lose. My language was different, more optimistic and chipper. Though now I say negative things and undermine my own self. It's a shame really, I should have held on to it. Though with growth there comes struggle and lessons learned. Some of them are hard and they break down upon your spirit. Very few make it out untouched.
I followed the rules with great accuracy and so with that gained the idea of responsibility. Though as I have grown older and Who I Am has changed, I find myself not caring anymore, sorta rolling in the hay of gray areas. And for some time it will continue to happen as I search so desperately for the enthusiasm I once possessed. Is it just too hard? Did I just not work hard enough growing up? Was I simply living day to day and not for the future?
I am depressed equally, however. I am thinking of things equally if not more now. I'm still unsure and insecure, doubting and worrying. The age has helped me fight off the feelings and helped me understand that no one will feel sorry for me. I have to get back up and put a crooked smile on my face.
My perception of man has been skewed. I see the darkness and light of all people now. No matter how big the heart, I still see the darkness within it. I have grown to understand that not all people are good and that are good people have good hearts. Though with growth I have learned who and who aren't loyal to me.
The one thing I kept was the love for my friends. They have struggled with me and succeeded with me, helped me through times. Who I Am now is determined by all time that has passed and all things that have happened to me. I'm still Identifying Identity and hoping to one day be content with the person I have become. At times I hope that I look in the mirror and see everything I want in myself and smile. From then until now, not much progress has passed, though my hope is that fate will guide me and I will finally understand who I'm meant to be.