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Identifying Identity: Who I Am

Updated on September 22, 2013
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Introduction

I wrote this in retrospect of an older writing I'd written about myself at the time. It's a piece about the person I've become after growing up a bit. It seems like things continue to change as I grow older and things are just different. Here is a piece that I wrote, hope you enjoy it!

If you're interesting in knowing more about me as a person or a writer, leave a comment! I'd love to start a discussion. :)

Who I Am

Back in high school I thought I knew who I was. At least I thought I had a pretty good idea. I knew I couldn't be described by simple adjectives. I knew that I could only be known for my actions. These were things I knew back then and I still know them to this day, though who I am is quite a bit skewed from back then. I had morals and values and opinions that now have changed over the years. I was once a bit more peaceful, staying calm and clear headed. Though from various stimuli I find myself unable to think clearly, worried, and frustrated easily by the actions of other. I find myself no longer backing up those around me, but catching the same faults they are accused of having.

I considered myself mature back then, knowing so much at such a young age. Though now I understand I know nothing and the power of my fate is determined by own knowledge. I believed I was going to succeed with little effort, though now I see success is hard earned. I see that my own progress is not based upon my past endeavors, but my present efforts. Those such things are feeble and hardly as successful as past endeavors. Where have I gone in all this time? Who have I become?

I had silly morals, childish and unrealistic goals in the life of a young man. I sought to remain un-corrupt and unscathed by the world around. Though it seems that one cannot commit to all things. One cannot make promises that are by far unable to predict. I chose to make the right decisions and ensure my own personal success. Though as time has worn on these goals have fizzled out like flames. Who I am now is not who I was once was. Identifying Identity means knowing who you are, not who you once were. Though at times you must look back and find some answers.

True friends were once "true", though now we have grown apart and begun to carry ourselves contrary to our former selves. I once confided in many of them, though as I grow and become a new person I have discovered disclosure and confidence. It is now a time to keep secrets and reveal at your own discretion. Many still ask, hoping to understand, though at times I don't either.

I once played a neutral role and for some time it worked out. Though as I grow into the man I am today, my opinions are sometimes unbridled, combating with who I was once was. Silence was once commonly accepted, though silence now brings upon regret and struggle. So now, I say what I need to say it. My opinion of people changed over this time and therefore my ideals concerning a powerful friendship. Their identity has also grown askew.

I once believed that growth would help those become a "real" person and express themselves. Though now I see carbon copies and plastic dummies. People grow more docile, forged and mutated by the environment around them. There is no unbridled enthusiasm or vibrant personality, only what the person wants to show. We're never sure what we're going to get.

I used to be so excited and energetic, though now I find myself lethargic and uninterested. With age I have grown prematurely fatigued, unable to fuel the excitement I once had. What happened to it? What had I done to lose. My language was different, more optimistic and chipper. Though now I say negative things and undermine my own self. It's a shame really, I should have held on to it. Though with growth there comes struggle and lessons learned. Some of them are hard and they break down upon your spirit. Very few make it out untouched.

I followed the rules with great accuracy and so with that gained the idea of responsibility. Though as I have grown older and Who I Am has changed, I find myself not caring anymore, sorta rolling in the hay of gray areas. And for some time it will continue to happen as I search so desperately for the enthusiasm I once possessed. Is it just too hard? Did I just not work hard enough growing up? Was I simply living day to day and not for the future?

I am depressed equally, however. I am thinking of things equally if not more now. I'm still unsure and insecure, doubting and worrying. The age has helped me fight off the feelings and helped me understand that no one will feel sorry for me. I have to get back up and put a crooked smile on my face.

My perception of man has been skewed. I see the darkness and light of all people now. No matter how big the heart, I still see the darkness within it. I have grown to understand that not all people are good and that are good people have good hearts. Though with growth I have learned who and who aren't loyal to me.

The one thing I kept was the love for my friends. They have struggled with me and succeeded with me, helped me through times. Who I Am now is determined by all time that has passed and all things that have happened to me. I'm still Identifying Identity and hoping to one day be content with the person I have become. At times I hope that I look in the mirror and see everything I want in myself and smile. From then until now, not much progress has passed, though my hope is that fate will guide me and I will finally understand who I'm meant to be.

What Creates Identity?

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    • josh3418 profile image

      Joshua Zerbini 4 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Aubrey,

      We all feel this way from time to time. Just keep your head up to the sky buddy! What you said about love in the conclusion is so very true! Keep loving others and doing what you know you need to do. Things will work themselves out!

    • unknown spy profile image

      IAmForbidden 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

      Hi Aubrey. J is right..we all do feel like that from time to time. It's like we face a mirror, ask ourselves..who are you???

      "hoping to one day be content with the person I have become".. you will Aubrey. you're amazing and sky is within your reach. believe and soar!

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Josh, Unknown, thanks so much for the comments! They've definitely made my day. I had a lot on my mind when I wrote this. I'm hoping my thoughts get more organized.

    • poojasd7 profile image

      poojasd7 4 years ago from India

      Identity crisis it is. you just have to do the things you think are right and care a damn about what others think of it. that's how one forms the identity. It takes time and patience to solidify the identity.

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Thanks Poo, I appreciate the words and concern. :)

    • Amy Becherer profile image

      Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I related to your excellent, introspective words, CrazedNovelist. As I read your profound doubts and words to validate your observations, I am cognizant that with maturity, time and experiences our perceptions change. I am much more aware of everything and everyone around me now. I have been, like everyone, disappointed, betrayed, ecstatically hopeful, dashed to the depths, loved and suffered the pain of loss. Yet, I am still the same person at core. We are built for resilience. Most of us develop more depth, becoming multi-faceted with time. Your writing relays great intellect that holds your sensitive, introspective nature intact. You have what it takes to call yourself a survivor, Aubrey. Don't doubt your strength for a moment.

      Fantastically awesome read!

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Amy!! That was such a sweet and powerful comment. I really appreciate all that you said and your overwhelming support. I'm so glad we're friends and I'm excited that you related to this. I felt very whiny writing this, they maybe I was being overdramatic. Though perhaps I just needed a moment of clarity, for once.

    • Amy Becherer profile image

      Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      You weren't whiny or overdramatic at all, CrazedNovelist. Your piece is very touching, because it is so sincerely honest. Your openness and honesty is a strength. This is a very powerful piece of writing. Revel in it, Aubrey.

    • Angela Kane profile image

      Angela Kane 4 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

      I read your other hubs and they are very good. I had multiple crisis when I was growing up. My emotions were high and I felt like I was constantly overwhelmed with every life. You eventually figure most of it out in the end. My biggest challenge is trying to be unique and finding out who I am.

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Amy, your support is just awesome.

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Angela! Thanks for that and I really appreciate the follow, the support and your comment on this hub. I am at that age and I trying to find who I am. I'm glad everyone can relate to that.

    • Olde Cashmere profile image

      Olde Cashmere 4 years ago from Michigan, United States

      It's crazy how much we have in common with the feelings you are going through. I went through these stages also younger than most, just became jaded and lost interest in many things which I once had a fire for. Don't worry about being dramatic, these things have to get off our chests somehow. Just continue being yourself and work on your talents, you have great ones, there is no doubt about that :)

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Olde, I appreciate the sincerity of your comment. :) I will take your advice as best as I can. I know I have a lot ahead of me!

    • ChristyWrites profile image

      Christy Birmingham 4 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      You get a 'beautiful' vote for this hub. I think it is important to reflect on our past and learn from it; see how we have changed along the route and realign ourselves. I am sharing your hub and wishing you a great day.

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Aww!! Thanks a lot Christy! :)

    • Cyndi10 profile image

      Cynthia B Turner 4 years ago from Georgia

      Hello, You have obviously shared some very insightful soul searching that you have done. You have examined your past and see that things remain essentially the same while your outlook has changed tremendously. I too believe there is dark and light in each of us, but I prefer to look at the light side of people. Sometimes I'm disappointed in what I see, but I try not to let it change the way I view life and people. So many things happen to us as we journey. It is so important to try to hold on to who you are along the way. You have some powerful insights here. I appreciate your courage in sharing this with us.

    • CrazedNovelist profile image
      Author

      A.E. Williams 4 years ago from Hampton, GA

      Cyndi I appreciate all the feedback you left me and your opinion. My insight changes from day to day so I never really know how I'm going to feel. At the time, this is what I was feeling and as you said, things change and soon my outlook may change once again. Thanks so much!! :)

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