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Incurable Depression

Updated on February 15, 2012

No Way Out

I don't know exactly when it began, but I became depressed (generalized depression) about 11 years ago -- while also dealing with sciatica and the appearance of a tumor in the upper-rear section of my jaw. I saw a couple of psychiatrists who prescribed Prozac and some other routine SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) -- neither of the medications had any effect.

I saw a third psychiatrist, and started to go through the entire catalog of SSRIs (one by one), trying different doses, mixing them in combinations, and also trying some expensive experimental drugs as well. None of them gave me any relief. All the SSRIs work pretty much the same way -- by controlling the amount of serotonin that is transmitted inside the neurons of the brain. But the brain has thousands of neurons, and doctors only have a vague idea what purpose they serve. Psychiatry is really in its infancy. Maybe some day in the future they will find a drug that works on stubborn cases like my own. For now, it's just wishful thinking.

Honestly, I feel better after drinking half a bottle of bourbon. Until the next morning, that is.

The SSRIs work well for some individuals, but there is no magic bullet for me (unfortunately).

In my case the worst aspect of being depressed is the total lack of motivation -- even getting out of bed often seems like a bad idea.

I've had three surgeries to eradicate the tumor in my mouth, and I'm about to face my fourth round, which the doctors warn me will be quite radical. Looking forward to this doesn't lighten my mood.

Living a joyless existence for this length of time has naturally caused me to have suicidal thoughts, but, well, so far, I'm still here.

All my friends have disappeared, and my small family deals with me as little as possible. I can't blame them. It's like sitting in a room with a zombie.

Even sleep brings no relief, as I have unpleasant recurring nightmares.

My psychiatrist said that if I wanted to try ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), he'd be quite willing to set it up for me. But, I've read about some side-effects (like losing part of your memory) that make me very wary. I've also read about MST (magnetic stimulation therapy). I need to get more information about it

Sometimes writing a HUB helps in that it distracts me from myself.

After 11 years of this, it's starting to feel like the new normal, where every thing becomes coated with a thick layer of dust, boxes and various important papers strewn everywhere. New life forms are developing in my refrigerator.

This is just a sliver of my private hell. Some who may read this that have depression or have gone through periods of depression will be able to identify. For everyone else it will seem like a crutch -- that it all depends on a person's attitude. I am here to tell you that this is not what anyone would ever wish for and it is not something that can be controlled voluntarily. If you can control it, you're just in a funk, and thinking of a funk as depression is just wrong.

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    • profile image

      any 3 years ago

      I have exactly the same problem as u have. Have depression from 7 yrs. Medicines have not cured me at all. I can't meditate for more than a minute. I have excessive dreams at night that make me cry. Evenings are worst for me, my mood goes very low as the sun sets. I have thought about dying, still have not gathered courage to do so.

    • louiseelcross profile image

      Louise Elcross 5 years ago from UK

      A very moving hub. I too have struggled with depression all my life. I write here about how I think my depression came about in Difficult beginnings. I feel for you that your family is not so understanding of your difficulties, my children look at me as if to say pull yourself together now. Not so easy to do or I would have done that. Hope your operation is a success. Keep on writing as it does seem to help to share. Take care and I am going to follow you see how you go on.

    • searchinsany profile image

      Alexander Gibb 5 years ago from UK

      I haven't experienced the depths of your depression and despair, but I can empathise a little with your situation. Having had a long term illness, I do know about gradually settling for less quality of life as time goes by.

      May I encourage you to write as many Hubs as you can; not only because you find some relief in writing, but you will encourage others in similar circumstances.

      This Hub is very moving and beautifully written; it would be a pity not to use your gift to the maximum.

    • hawkdad73 profile image

      hawkdad73 5 years ago from Riverside, Iowa

      I can identify. I had always been told when I was younger to 'snap out of it' and 'quit moping.' I have suffered with depression my whole life and had not identified it as such until later in life. It is frustrating when it sucks all motivation from you and you are left with autopilot.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • KrystalD profile image

      KrystalD 5 years ago from Los Angeles

      I am sorry to hear of your stuggle with this vicicous disease. It has seriously affected members of my family and myself in smaller doses. I hope through sharing your story others will feel a connection. Writing here on HP has helped me build some relationships and I hope it can offer that for you too. Keep writing and being as active as possible :)

    • catalystsnstars profile image

      catalystsnstars 5 years ago from Land of Nod

      I voted this as beautiful. The intimacy of sadness isn't revealed until everything seems pointless. You touch on that very well. I wish I could say there's something that'll make it better but truth be told I'm almost half your age and I've been dealing with depression since I was ten. It hadn't gotten any better, but it has certainly become more interesting.

      I'm learning to take full advantage of the highs and lows. As for family and the people around you, well, it takes one to know one. They really have no excuse to exclude you, zombie or not. But such is life I guess, hop on over to my hubs if you want. I wrote several articles about the subject, medicines, self-helps and what not.

      Oh and to be honest also, I've found that the best solution so far when it gets too much is to numb the thoughts with a drink or two. Cheers!

    • MissBex profile image

      MissBex 5 years ago

      I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I, too, deal with depression on a daily basis (and have my entire life. I've even handed it down to my three children!). However, your case sounds much worse. Just know that there is someone out there who can sympathize, if not empathize entirely. Take care of yourself.