The Blame Game
Who people blame:
It is so much easier to accuse another person or a situation for what is happening that we don't like.
- It's my boyfriend's fault we had an argument. If he would have just....
- It's my boss's fault I had to stay late at work.
- My car broke down, it isn't my fault I'm late!
- It's the economy
- It's the times we live in
- It's society
- It's the season
- It's the weather
- It's always something or someone else!
When we blame, we remove the uncomfortable responsibility for whatever it may be in that specific situation. We insist that we are good, we are the victim, we should be understood and taken care of because it isn't our fault. It is the fault of someone or something else, so go attack that instead of me.
What Really Happens When You Blame?
The truth of the matter is, that while in some cases others may buy into why it is never your fault, the fact still remains: Blame takes your power away.
When you blame you give up control. You no longer have a say in how your life unfolds, because you are just a victim of circumstance. You are a victim of how others treat you or what your environment does to you.
The price you pay for freedom of responsibility is loss of control.
Why We Blame:
People give up control and resort to blaming for many individual reasons. By understanding some of these reasons we gain a clearer picture of what is really going on:
- He is afraid you won't like or love him if he lets you down
- She is afraid you will be angry with her
- He feels like a failure for not following through
- She is insecure and needs a way to get your attention
- He has fallen into a pattern of depression
- She has been raised to believe she has no control or power
- He doesn't see his true value
- She doesn't know her true strength
Blame always boils down to fear, anger, sadness, insecurity, or another negatively held belief or emotion which limits you from reaching your full potential.
It not only damages yourself, it damages your relationships and others around you.
Blame is an ugly beast that feeds off the weakness within you. Stop feeding it!
To take your share of responsibility in any situation is empowering. It puts you in control and back in the driver's seat of your day, your life, and your destiny!
Why did you really have to stay late at work?
- Is it because you didn't do your assigned tasks to the quality required the first time?
- Is it because you didn't get your work done at the expected rate of speed?
- Or is it because you are a trusted employee whom your boss knows he can count on to get the extra work completed the right way?
What about the argument with your boyfriend/girlfriend did you have control over?
- Did you monitor your words, tone, and volume?
- Did you take the time to listen openly?
- Was the subject a matter of great importance or the need to be "right"?
What is the driving force that motivates you to get something done? When you have motivation you find a way. Even if there are elements that attempt to stand in your way. It is all about determination.
If you really wanted to:
- Could you find an alternate solution
- Could you look at the positive side of the event rather than the negative
- Could you take control of the aspects that you contribute to the situation
Understanding Your Inner Strength
It is impossible to be a failure. An event can be, but never a person. An attempt can be disappointing, but the endeavor is never a failure until you stop trying to find the solution that works.
So you don't get along with your boss. Why is that?
- He's a control freak
- He has a bad temper or short fuse
- He is demanding
- He is overwhelmed, stressed, and takes it out on everyone working under him
- He's just a jerk!
Well, let's take a look at what you can do about that: (Remember you have the power - you only lose that power when you blame others, try instead to be understanding)
Remember that he is the boss & he does have a lot of responsibility. It is very possible if not completely true that he is overwhelmed and stressed out.
- Is there any way you could take something off of his plate for him?
- Would it kill you to give him a compliment? "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I see how hard you work every day and I really appreciate you being my boss." Wow! Can you just imagine what that might do for him? Is he ever appreciated? Is he ever noticed for what he does, or just what his job makes him do?
- Challenge yourself or your entire team to a game of "let's make the boss smile today". The change in mood will alter the entire environment, guaranteed!
What about that boyfriend/girlfriend you've been fighting with lately? What part have you played? What can you do to be more understanding, empathetic, or more giving?
- Do you say kind things more than criticize?
- Do you show your appreciation for the things he/she does do for you?
- Can you let go of being "right" on issues that you won't remember in 10 years?
- Can you look past what he/she is saying the issue is and find the real issue?
Many times people just need to feel appreciated, loved, admired, understood, or important. When you stop accusing others and start showing them compassion, you change the entire way your day and life unfolds.
If you find yourself blaming more often than not, it might be time to stop and ask yourself why?
Are you feeling that some need of yours isn't being met? What could you do to better express that need? How can you find a solution in a positive way that gives you back the power and control over your life?