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Me and my Bipolar

Updated on October 23, 2012

THE JOURNEY DOWN THE ROAD I DIDNT ASK TO TRAVEL

Hello. If you are reading this Hub you are either Bi-Polar or you know someone who is. I was diangosed with Bipolar Afftective Disorder sixteen years ago at the age of 24. I was genetically predisposed with this gene for my father is BP as well. If you are BP then it is possible that one of your parents or grandparents or even great grandparents were. I hear different "findings" all the time but the scientific part doesn't really matter. It is living a life on a Mountain as high as the eye can see and then then slowly you decline like skiing down the alps in slow motion. Then you have to pick yourself up and climb back to that mountain to only fall down again. It is spirally confusion, anxiety, paranoia, passive aggressive mood swings that take control of our lives and the ones around us. I personally could never apologize enough for the damage I have caused for so many people. The hell that I put them in when I had tried to take my life, or being so manic I would up and move to another town and tell no-one, for months. Always remember that if your spouse, loved one or friend is BP and they make you angry or frustrated, we are just as frustrated and angry as we make you except we don't understand why. When we don't return your phone calls or don't visit (mom) it is because it is taking every single strand of effort to get out of the bed in the morning and do what HAS to be done everyday. Do you understand that just waking up is hard to do?

When I became a guinea pig

When I was 24 years old my Medical Doctor picked up on signs of depression when I would just start crying half way thru the exam. I was suffering from PostPartum depression and then it just goes downhill from there.

These are a list of the medications that I have taken over a 16 year period, AS IF it isn't hard enough to begin with but almost every medication for BP has alot of side effects.

ELAVIL, PAXIL, XANAX, ZOLOFT, WELLBUTRIN, KLONIPIN, DEPAKOTE, LITHIUM, SEROQUEL, ZYPREXA, ATIVAN, LAMICTAL, VISTERIL, PROZAC, TEGRETOL, AMBIEN, REMERON, TRAZADONE, VISTERIL, BUSPAR, ........

Every one of these meds that terrible side effects. They either make you sick, it taste like to got a quarter in your mouth, extreme weight gain, acne. It goes on. It will take a while for you to get your meds stablized and find the right ones that work for you. In the meantime, we can be pretty aggravating.

 

WHAT IS NORMAL?

 A cycle on a washing machine.

THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND

When I was first diagnosed with BP I was reluctant to take meds, go to therapy. I was basically told that the way I had coped, thought, acted, loved, hated was wrong. That left me thinking "do they think that all of this is going to change with a couple of pills every day? OfCourse It didnt, I didn't take them.

The first and worse medication that I took was lithium. I gained 40 pounds, had acne breakouts, my hair was dry, it was endless, down the toilet they go. Because I had quit taking my meds except for the xanax because they had a parodoxial (?) effect. It didnt relax me, it gave me unbelievable energy and a Haldol smile. Until I took the whole bottle and back to the hospital again.

This hospital stay was for 147 days. I got stable once again, accepted this disease and embraced it and took it for all it was worth. When I was mancic my creative juices would flow like running water, I would work 20 hours a day as a waitress. I made more money as a waitress than anything else. I never went back to the type of Office or Clerical work I did before. When I would get depressed, I wouldn't go to work for weeks, not even get out of the bed for days. I would lose my job, then my electricity, then my sanity, overdose and end back in the hospital.

I followed this pattern for years. I dont know what it was that made "it" click, maybe I got smarter, retained more wisdom since I was getting older. My Doctors put me on meds with few, if any side effects. I started to excercise and try to regain my nice appearnce. Weeks in the bed at the time can make you look rough eventually.

At age 40 I am on disability, i am pretty well stabilized. Live Day by Day. I have a nice life, at least today anyway

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    • gail.jones.4368 profile image

      gail.jones.4368 

      7 years ago from Westmoreland

    • gail.jones.4368 profile image

      gail.jones.4368 

      7 years ago from Westmoreland

      I just started my hub. I have been on meds since about 20yrs now. I think I am ok, but some days I dont know. Lamictal kinda depresses me, but without it im in a manic episode and dont realize it cause I feel good. I take effexor and wellbutrin right now as well. But Im trying the story of my life through my hub. I feel like if I get it all out to someone that gets it, Then I may be truly on the way to being med free. I hope

    • profile image

      sharon 

      7 years ago

      thank u!u hit the nail on the head...exhausting and lonely journey people like us are traveling on....hugs back.xx

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      fortunerep 

      7 years ago from North Carolina

      Sharon,

      Thanks for stopping by and I am so glad that you found a doc who really undrstands you, that is the key. If he can understand that you know what works best for you then your future will be brighter. Battling this sickness ca be so exhausting. Hang in there and always know you got a friend, hugs dori

    • profile image

      sharon 

      7 years ago

      omg...just been diagnosed as hypo bipolar disorder stage 2!been treated for depression for over 18 years but even when i was younger i knew and felt differant my family described me as over excitable!!!was fed up with being labelled as depressed as tablets never worked and i didnt feel like i fitted that particular BOX!!!!first started looking at other possibilities 4 years ago when i stopped taking meds to try and make someone sit up and listen to ME...ended up nearly so nearly commiting suicide...not a nice time or place.found a docter who finaly realy listened to me..put me on prozac that over a period of 3 years with help of diazepam to calm me down when needed gave me clarity of thought to allow true pattern of symptoms and problems to emerge finaly ..hence now my final diagnosis as above to emerge!finaly i have found and begin to feel comfortable with my kind of NORMAL!if there realy is such a thing!thank u so much for writing this frank,unabashed and honest account of your life...finaly i think i am finding the answers to my questions i have been asking for so long...x

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      fortunerep 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      Thanks Naomi,

      I often hear that people who are bipolar don't like to talk about it, to some it is shameful. I guess I just take what I got and go with it. It is not going to go away so you just have to deal the best way u can. Best of luck to your friend, it is hard to talk about but maybe they will open up, they will feel alot better.

      dori

    • NaomiR profile image

      NaomiR 

      9 years ago from New York

      Sorry for the double post.

    • NaomiR profile image

      NaomiR 

      9 years ago from New York

      Thanks for sharing your experience and being so open about it. One of my close friends is bi-polar, but doesn't like to discuss her condition. This shed some light on what she is going through.

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      fortunerep 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      You are right, sometimes I think I know more that the doctor does on this subject. Thanks for stopping by,

      dori

    • profile image

      \Brenda Scully 

      9 years ago

      So many suffer and so many want to understand, but does any of us even the doctors know all about it ,,,,,,, I don't think so.....

    • TexasChickiMama profile image

      TexasChickiMama 

      9 years ago from Texas Gulf Coast

      Hey! There are all kinds of crazy and some have names...My Mom was bipolar and was diagnoised at 72 years old...Who knew. I did. I am too and I have autoimmune diseases thrown in just for the heck of it...can't take lithium...cymbalta BIG time. It is just another horsey to ride on the merry go round! hmmm that is a good won will use in a hub! Thanks for becomeing a fan!

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      fortunerep 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      I wish her well and you to for I know it's easy, keep the faith.

      dori

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 

      9 years ago from Chicago

      Thanks for sharing your experiences. My wife is bi-polar and is on all kinds of meds—and has been for years. Effexor, and several others. Your candor is appreciated.

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      fortunerep 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      Thankyou Sarah, Best to you as well. I once had a doctor tell me that people afflicted with mental illness have a gift. I have opened mine yet but I know it to be true. Best Wishes,

      dori

    • profile image

      SarahMichelle 

      9 years ago

      I know it can be hard to write this sort of a hub - good job! I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which I means I do the same thing emotionally with the ups and downs, but I do them several times in one day. Mental illness is never fun! Way to face it. Good luck in all you do.

    • Billrrrr profile image

      Bill Russo 

      9 years ago from Cape Cod

      Some sages pronounced laughter, 'the best medicine' and it may be...but 'talking' is pretty good too. When people with problems hear from others with similar afflictions, the benefit is mutual.

    • akeejaho profile image

      akeejaho 

      9 years ago from Some where in this beautiful world!

      Loved this one too! (Though I wish I read them in order, I am happy to have read them at all!) I have been on the road a bit and have only had time to write. I am glad I took a few to read. Great Hub, and I love your style.

      Happy Bi-Polaring!

    • Blake Flannery profile image

      Blake Flannery 

      9 years ago from United States

      Interesting article. I often work with people who have BP disorder on the psych unit I work. I was wondering if you could try to explain more about your "enlightenment" period where you became more stabilized. It could be helpful for me when I educate people at my work. I stress the importance of exercise etc. Do you have any other coping strategies that work for you?

    • Ann Reys profile image

      Ann Reys 

      9 years ago from South Wales

      Great hub, As a Bipolar suffer myself, Its nice to share others experiences, I have written a hub about my experiences having been wrongly diagnosed with clinical depression for 17 years, iv put the link on here for you.

      https://hubpages.com/health/Bipolar-and-me...

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      fortunerep 

      9 years ago from North Carolina

      You are right, you have written some great hubs, you probably seen a link to yours on mine!! I will add more to it as well, ofcourse when the mood strikes again, LOL

      dori

    • dana825 profile image

      dana825 

      9 years ago from Chicago

      I love it! I'm impressed you're able to be so open about your disorder. I suffer from several psych disorders myself and I wish society understood them better.

      Meds are the worst. Trying the different combinations until you finally get the right one... it's hell.

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