Mom, Do You Believe In Angels?

Hi Mom. I enjoyed our visit today. You were feeling better than the last time and it was so good to laugh with you again. If wishes came true, you would never have another bad day, but they don’t always, do they? It seems that everything has changed. Things that once were so easy are just so hard. I do see it Mom, honestly I do. It hurts that I can’t fix it the way you always did for me. I feel like I owe you that but I can’t turn back the clock Mom. Oh how I wish I could.

If wishes came true, you would never have had the stroke that left you weak on your right side and made it hard to find the words you want to say sometimes. It’s been thirteen years now and you have come a long way. I wonder sometimes if you know how bad it was. Do you remember?

The image of you in the emergency room, staring at the ceiling and unable to speak is forever etched in my memory. The feelings that I had when the doctors asked us to make a decision on giving you the clot buster drug (TPA) are as real today as they were then. The window had almost closed Mom. We had fifteen minutes remaining and they said you weren’t really a candidate for the drug. The doctor explained that without it, you would most likely never recover. You would have that empty stare for…well… for however long...

Mom, they were kind to us, those doctors and nurses. They made sure that we understood. They said that giving you the drug could cause your brain to bleed and you could die. They told us that even if they gave you the drug, it might not make any difference. We only had fifteen minutes to make the most frightening decision we had ever made as a family. I remember standing there, just me, Dad, and my brother, in a corner of the emergency room, silently trying to make the decision. We were so scared. I don’t know if we ever told you about the stranger who appeared out of no where and asked to pray with us. I don’t know if we answered him either but I know he prayed. He prayed for your healing and he prayed for us to be strong. I never knew his name. He just appeared. Do you believe in angels Mom?

The days after the stroke were not so easy either. For weeks you struggled to speak and we couldn’t understand a word. It must have been so frustrating for you, trapped in that body and not able to tell us what you needed. We tried so hard to understand. Honestly we did.

The days went by slowly and you kept trying to tell us something. We knew it was important. You looked so determined and tried so, so hard. And then someone mentioned a nurse that was working with another patient. They sent for her and she came. She sat on your bed, holding your hand in one of hers, and stroking your hair with the other. She called you “sweetie” and asked what it was you were trying to say. In your own garbled language, you repeated what you had been saying over and over for days that we couldn’t understand. That nurse looked at us and said – “she said to take care of your daddy”. Do you believe in angels Mom?

You must have loved us an awful lot because you’re still here and even in your limited capacity, you still keep us in line. Mom, I know some days are better than others and if wishes came true, all your days would be pain free, sun-shiny days. You’ve worked so hard to stay here with us when it would have been a lot easier to let go. You could have left us Mom, and gone to that place that promises no more pain and suffering. But you’ve never taken the easy way out of anything, have you? You struggled against the odds and learned to walk again. You did the therapy even when it hurt and when you didn’t think we were looking, we were. We saw you practice the fine motor exercises so you could hold a pen again. It was so important for you to learn to write again wasn’t it? Do you know I still have all the notes you wrote me when life threw me those old curve balls? You could have given up Mom, but you didn’t. You knew we needed you still. Do you believe in angels Mom?

Sometimes I think you tested us Mom. You wanted to know if we were ready to do it on our own. I'm glad you realized that we couldn't, not yet. You've been very patient, waiting for us to get there. We're not there yet though Mom. Why do you think I visited today? I needed you, and you were there. I believe in angels Mom. I have one.

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