My Soul Screams to be fed.

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.” ~Robert Frost~

I have used this quote in many blogs, I use as my signature line, Life goes on....

And it does, no matter what life throws us, no matter what life does to us, no matter what life gives us, it goes on. And it does.

I suffer panic, I have PTSD, I have panic disorder. And the many traits that at times are side by side with these disorders. I am compulsive. I am agoraphobic. I suffer many disorders all wrapped up into one, or many. However you wish to deem it. But the bottom line is at times they are devastating, numbing, reeling.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened.

Agoraphobia is the fear of being in a situation where one might experience anxiety or panic and where escape from the situation might be difficult or embarrassing. People with agoraphobia may feel anxious about such things as loss of bladder or bowel control or choking on food in the presence of others. They also might feel anxious about being home alone, leaving home, or being in a crowded place, such as on public transportation or in an elevator, where it might be difficult or embarrassing to find a way out. To avoid the anxiety associated with these situations they refrain from putting themselves into such situations.

These stem from abuse in my past, being a domestic violence survivor. Some stem I believe from circumstances beyond my control. Some I have no idea where they come from. Be it an environmental situation, genetics, or just all on its own. And then to top it all off, I became a widow for the very first time at the age of 52. Which only added to the other conditions.

I have a lot of sadness, anger, grief, depression, I isolate myself at times thinking that I am all alone in this great big world. And then I realize there are many who suffer these same conditions. We are not alone, there are wonderful people out there, supportive people. There is hope! I for one have to hang onto that hope, for that is all I have some days. That is all there is some days. Hope and faith.

"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit." ~Emmanuel Teney~


I did not mean this to be about all the disorders I suffer, I meant this to be about having something to hang onto, having something that we can envision in our life, when nothing else seems to fit. That feeling that there is something more out there, and it is possible.

Hope and faith. I wear a bracelet around my wrist with a mustard seed in the middle. A tiny mustard seed of faith. For when you plant one tiny seed of faith, it grows. Some days that is all I have to hang onto, that mustard seed of faith. Faith that life will get better, that this panic will be overcome, that my PTSD will go away, will just slip into the darkness from where it came. That once again I will be able to go out into life and enjoy all that it has to offer.

Look at how tiny a mustard seed is. And just think, that is all the faith needed to overcome, even when overwhelmed. A mustard seed. One tiny grain of faith. Hang on. There is that single seed of faith that brings hope. I know it seems small. I asked myself that many times, how can one tiny seed give me the faith to get up every day and do "life". I am not saying this is a cure, or even a coping techinque, but it is faith. Faith and hope to hang on and even in those darkest moments, hang onto that faith and hope.

It has.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher~

The Bible, Matthew 17:20
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move."

Look at the beauty that mustard seeds can bring. And the majestic stunning awe they produce.

Amazing how one little mustard seed can make a difference.

Life goes on.....