- Mental Health»
- Clinical Depression
My Story: To Hell and Back
No, This is NOT Another Emo-Sob-Story
It's not to get attention, so much as it is my experience and battle with depression, betrayal, and complete loss in life. This is a very personal story, and one I don't share often. I know I'm not the only one whose battled depression, and judging by the way things are going in the world today, there are many more people who have tasted what I've gone through. I hope to share my experiences with others, relate to your pains, and help you through this difficult time in your life.
Watch Your Step
Seeing the shape the world is in today, I'd say a lot of us has suffered through this is one way or another. Whether it was growing up through one, or through the bonds of marriage it's not much different. I suffered through two of them, at two very different ages. The first happened growing up in Colorado when I was around 10-11 years old, perhaps I should have been old enough to understand what was going on, but I've always been an oblivious person (and the parents decided they wanted to keep us out of the middle of it) But despite both of these elements, I still felt the tension and knew something wasn't right all the years leading up to the final cut. My parents would get into several arguments (being concerned kids, I'd often put on plays with my younger siblings about how you shouldn't fight) Also being a kid, I couldn't help but feel all the tension coming from my mother was due to me not being a good enough child.
I remember days where my mom wouldn't come back until late at night, she'd gotten a job of her own for a time. One day she moved out completely into an apartment of her own, this only caused more tension between her and my Dad. I couldn't ever understand what was really going on, but I could feel the tension and upset that loomed in the house. After a time my Mom finally moved back into the house and she and my Dad tried to make things work together, but it didn't last. Finally she filed for a divorce, and my Dad took us to live in Utah with him, and we would have the support of all the rest of our living family no more than a couple hours away at the most.
Marriage and Divorce
LUST and LIES
Divorce in a marriage isn't something that just comes. There is always reason behind it, and it seems many times, as was in the case with my family, it comes out of Lust.
I grew up the rest of my years in Utah, visiting my mom in Colorado from time to time. She remarried who she claimed to be her "soul mate". I knew him as a boat driver that would take us on the lake from time to time, and as a good friend of my Dad's (or at least he was). My mom fabricated this story about how her soul recognized his and they were meant to be. After Graduating High school I moved out to live with my mom and my step-dad, thinking it better for me as I'd always been closer to my Mom. I came to respect my step-dad and thought him a nice guy, however at the close of my third year in Colorado, there was one day my Mom didn't come home.
The story goes on as I inquired from her later that once again her marriage wasn't fulfilling for her, this time in the "physical relationship" spectrum. In an attempt to send a message across to my step-dad(being the day she didn't return), she'd crossed a boundary with another man one-too many times, and liked what she felt. All of the sudden the cycle started up again, but this time I was right in the middle of it, and much older and able to understand what was going on. The struggle continued for many months, my Mom wanting only the best for everyone. She tried splitting the marriage into two, being with us for half the time, and this new guy for the other half. This only brought her happiness for a few days before fights began to break out. She waffled from side to side, back and forth. I would try my best to talk to her, I for-warned her of the dangers she was bringing herself into, and predicted everything that could go wrong. She assured me, and promised me, that should it come to that stage, she would stop it.
It came to that stage. Did she stop it? No. Why not? Because she was feeding The Void. She'd made promises to this new man in her life, and she'd made promises to me. She would always tell me "Blood is thicker than water" when my brother and I would break out into fights. Suddenly her standing shifted as those promises to this other guy were more important than I was. I felt heart broken, betrayed, back stabbed, and all she could do was make light of it, like it was no big deal. She just expected me to be ok with everything she'd done! I would receive text messages from her "come over and have dinner with us" when I was in the middle of work. "Its just the way the cookie crumbles", or "I'm happy now, why can't you be happy for me?" excuses.
One day I got a text message that she'd come to her senses and was back home to stay. She claimed she knew where she belonged and she wanted to start over again. I was so happy and thrilled, so willing to let the past be and move forward. Too bad that only lasted the night. I knew something was wrong the next morning when she started talking about the other guy again, how she missed him so much. I tried to assure her it would go away and she couldn't look back. I had to leave for work that day, only to hear later that she went back to talk to him, and "saw it in his eyes". She couldn't leave. That cut went deep. All my trust and emotion the night before left out in the cold, it crippled my heart. After that I couldn't trust her anymore. I couldn't bear another heartache like that again.
The biggest hit to the heart was when she finally admitted that what caused the break-up between her and my Dad was the exact thing that she'd done to cause the second. She would always, always tell us, with tears in her eyes "If I could go back in time to keep me from breaking up the family I would" Well, here's her magical "History Repeats" moment, and what happens? She breaks up the family, again. My world shattered. Everything suddenly came to light, and all I had come to believe, all I had been taught to believe, was a lie. I felt that for 20 years of my life I'd been lied to. Who was my step-dad now? This man I'd come to allow a fatherly role in my life, now suddenly he was the reason my mom left the house for an apartment. He was the reason she'd come home so late at night, he, among others (from what I've heard, and continuing to look back on my life I can recognize instances) are the cause of the tension I'd felt in the house between my Mom and Dad.
PAIN and ANGER
I became cold, bitter, withdrawn. I sunk into deep depression as the months continued. My biggest struggle was with my feelings. In my mind I knew I shouldn't hold anger and grudges against my Mom, I knew I shouldn't disown her for her actions, I knew she was only human and was making a huge mistake, but my heart told me different. I hated her, I was angry with her, I wanted to scream and shout at her. I wanted nothing to do with her, and I wanted her to understand how much she'd hurt me. The thing that bothered me the most was that she'd hold this against me. She wanted me to be perfectly ok with this new life of hers, she expected me to love her unconditionally and forgive her with the bat of an eye, when she had no recognition for the war that was going on between my head and my heart.
How dare she try to pull the wool over my eyes again! She was twisting my feelings, warping my mind. The things I stood for, the things I'd been taught growing up, the right and wrongs of the world, and all of a sudden "its ok", "Follow your heart", or just because I disagreed with her I was a terrible daughter and I didn't love her like I should. I had to conform to her level just to keep her from playing that "Woe poor is me" card. I couldn't take her drama anymore, I couldn't have my emotions twisted and warped like that any more. I pulled away. For my own sense of being I had to keep my distance. Of course she didn't like this either. Suddenly now I was the bad guy because I wouldn't talk to her any more. "Oh my kids hate me, why does this have to happen to me?"
Whatever. I'm sick and tired of her drama. She can say whatever she wants to I don't care anymore. I needed to heal.
There are Still Scars
Yes, I forgave my mother. It took a long time to end that mental/emotional war (though for my mother's sake not as long as others) I still have to keep my distance, however. I can't deal with all the drama and lies she fabricates to hold her image and justify her actions. Our relationship now is only skin-deep, as I've come to find if we try to pull it in depth only results in arguments, and try as I might to explain my feelings and situations, she takes them all too personally.
I still have scars, and perhaps they may never fade in this life. The real miracle is the fact that I didn't hold onto that anger. Human nature can be very strong and hard to overcome, and believe me, the feelings of my heart rang loud and clear. What was it that allowed me to overcome all the pain and hurt? The Gospel. The very values and standards I'd been raised on, that my mother rejected for pleasure. I knew better, and this was the one thing that didn't shatter when the rest of my world crumbled around me.