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My Story: To Hell and Back

Updated on March 6, 2016

Depression

No, This is NOT Another Emo-Sob-Story

It's not to get attention, so much as it is my experience and battle with depression, betrayal, and complete loss in life. This is a very personal story, and one I don't share often. I know I'm not the only one whose battled depression, and judging by the way things are going in the world today, there are many more people who have tasted what I've gone through. I hope to share my experiences with others, relate to your pains, and help you through this difficult time in your life.

Watch Your Step

DIVORCE

Seeing the shape the world is in today, I'd say a lot of us has suffered through this is one way or another. Whether it was growing up through one, or through the bonds of marriage it's not much different. I suffered through two of them, at two very different ages. The first happened growing up in Colorado when I was around 10-11 years old, perhaps I should have been old enough to understand what was going on, but I've always been an oblivious person (and the parents decided they wanted to keep us out of the middle of it) But despite both of these elements, I still felt the tension and knew something wasn't right all the years leading up to the final cut. My parents would get into several arguments (being concerned kids, I'd often put on plays with my younger siblings about how you shouldn't fight) Also being a kid, I couldn't help but feel all the tension coming from my mother was due to me not being a good enough child.


I remember days where my mom wouldn't come back until late at night, she'd gotten a job of her own for a time. One day she moved out completely into an apartment of her own, this only caused more tension between her and my Dad. I couldn't ever understand what was really going on, but I could feel the tension and upset that loomed in the house. After a time my Mom finally moved back into the house and she and my Dad tried to make things work together, but it didn't last. Finally she filed for a divorce, and my Dad took us to live in Utah with him, and we would have the support of all the rest of our living family no more than a couple hours away at the most.

Marriage and Divorce

Source

LUST and LIES

Divorce in a marriage isn't something that just comes. There is always reason behind it, and it seems many times, as was in the case with my family, it comes out of Lust.

I grew up the rest of my years in Utah, visiting my mom in Colorado from time to time. She remarried who she claimed to be her "soul mate". I knew him as a boat driver that would take us on the lake from time to time, and as a good friend of my Dad's (or at least he was). My mom fabricated this story about how her soul recognized his and they were meant to be. After Graduating High school I moved out to live with my mom and my step-dad, thinking it better for me as I'd always been closer to my Mom. I came to respect my step-dad and thought him a nice guy, however at the close of my third year in Colorado, there was one day my Mom didn't come home.

The story goes on as I inquired from her later that once again her marriage wasn't fulfilling for her, this time in the "physical relationship" spectrum. In an attempt to send a message across to my step-dad(being the day she didn't return), she'd crossed a boundary with another man one-too many times, and liked what she felt. All of the sudden the cycle started up again, but this time I was right in the middle of it, and much older and able to understand what was going on. The struggle continued for many months, my Mom wanting only the best for everyone. She tried splitting the marriage into two, being with us for half the time, and this new guy for the other half. This only brought her happiness for a few days before fights began to break out. She waffled from side to side, back and forth. I would try my best to talk to her, I for-warned her of the dangers she was bringing herself into, and predicted everything that could go wrong. She assured me, and promised me, that should it come to that stage, she would stop it.

It came to that stage. Did she stop it? No. Why not? Because she was feeding The Void. She'd made promises to this new man in her life, and she'd made promises to me. She would always tell me "Blood is thicker than water" when my brother and I would break out into fights. Suddenly her standing shifted as those promises to this other guy were more important than I was. I felt heart broken, betrayed, back stabbed, and all she could do was make light of it, like it was no big deal. She just expected me to be ok with everything she'd done! I would receive text messages from her "come over and have dinner with us" when I was in the middle of work. "Its just the way the cookie crumbles", or "I'm happy now, why can't you be happy for me?" excuses.

One day I got a text message that she'd come to her senses and was back home to stay. She claimed she knew where she belonged and she wanted to start over again. I was so happy and thrilled, so willing to let the past be and move forward. Too bad that only lasted the night. I knew something was wrong the next morning when she started talking about the other guy again, how she missed him so much. I tried to assure her it would go away and she couldn't look back. I had to leave for work that day, only to hear later that she went back to talk to him, and "saw it in his eyes". She couldn't leave. That cut went deep. All my trust and emotion the night before left out in the cold, it crippled my heart. After that I couldn't trust her anymore. I couldn't bear another heartache like that again.

The biggest hit to the heart was when she finally admitted that what caused the break-up between her and my Dad was the exact thing that she'd done to cause the second. She would always, always tell us, with tears in her eyes "If I could go back in time to keep me from breaking up the family I would" Well, here's her magical "History Repeats" moment, and what happens? She breaks up the family, again. My world shattered. Everything suddenly came to light, and all I had come to believe, all I had been taught to believe, was a lie. I felt that for 20 years of my life I'd been lied to. Who was my step-dad now? This man I'd come to allow a fatherly role in my life, now suddenly he was the reason my mom left the house for an apartment. He was the reason she'd come home so late at night, he, among others (from what I've heard, and continuing to look back on my life I can recognize instances) are the cause of the tension I'd felt in the house between my Mom and Dad.

Source

PAIN and ANGER

I became cold, bitter, withdrawn. I sunk into deep depression as the months continued. My biggest struggle was with my feelings. In my mind I knew I shouldn't hold anger and grudges against my Mom, I knew I shouldn't disown her for her actions, I knew she was only human and was making a huge mistake, but my heart told me different. I hated her, I was angry with her, I wanted to scream and shout at her. I wanted nothing to do with her, and I wanted her to understand how much she'd hurt me. The thing that bothered me the most was that she'd hold this against me. She wanted me to be perfectly ok with this new life of hers, she expected me to love her unconditionally and forgive her with the bat of an eye, when she had no recognition for the war that was going on between my head and my heart.

How dare she try to pull the wool over my eyes again! She was twisting my feelings, warping my mind. The things I stood for, the things I'd been taught growing up, the right and wrongs of the world, and all of a sudden "its ok", "Follow your heart", or just because I disagreed with her I was a terrible daughter and I didn't love her like I should. I had to conform to her level just to keep her from playing that "Woe poor is me" card. I couldn't take her drama anymore, I couldn't have my emotions twisted and warped like that any more. I pulled away. For my own sense of being I had to keep my distance. Of course she didn't like this either. Suddenly now I was the bad guy because I wouldn't talk to her any more. "Oh my kids hate me, why does this have to happen to me?"

Whatever. I'm sick and tired of her drama. She can say whatever she wants to I don't care anymore. I needed to heal.

Forgiveness

There are Still Scars

Yes, I forgave my mother. It took a long time to end that mental/emotional war (though for my mother's sake not as long as others) I still have to keep my distance, however. I can't deal with all the drama and lies she fabricates to hold her image and justify her actions. Our relationship now is only skin-deep, as I've come to find if we try to pull it in depth only results in arguments, and try as I might to explain my feelings and situations, she takes them all too personally.


I still have scars, and perhaps they may never fade in this life. The real miracle is the fact that I didn't hold onto that anger. Human nature can be very strong and hard to overcome, and believe me, the feelings of my heart rang loud and clear. What was it that allowed me to overcome all the pain and hurt? The Gospel. The very values and standards I'd been raised on, that my mother rejected for pleasure. I knew better, and this was the one thing that didn't shatter when the rest of my world crumbled around me.

Reclaimed

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    • Rodric29 profile image

      Rodric Johnson 3 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      This is very personal and you shared it with the world. I want to say that it is foolish and wonderful at the same time. I hope that idiots don't try to exploit your feelings.

      I too have dealt with divorce with my parents and I am still hurt about it. My family was not sealed in the temple and all that I have is my current family.

      I am so scared of losing it to selfishness though. I hope to overcome the trend of evil attacking marriages and not go the way of my parents.

    • SamboRambo profile image

      Samuel E. Richardson 4 years ago from Salt Lake City, Utah

      Thank you for sharing that.

    • Wakerra profile image
      Author

      Wakerra 4 years ago

      She "saw" the light once, but she never really had a strong solid faith, and found a lot of false claims on the web. Due to grudges she holds inside of her and a skewed view of life, she came to believe this false claims as truth and reality. Now she's trying to forge her own path and make right of wrong doings, expecting she can make her own consequences if she tries hard enough. I had a confirmation a while back that she will come back around again, but it will be some time.

      Thank you for the view and comment

    • lisa42 profile image

      lisa42 4 years ago from Sacramento

      I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's a shame that your mom still hasn't seen the light, but I'm glad you've realized you can't hold on to the anger and the hurt.

    • Wakerra profile image
      Author

      Wakerra 4 years ago

      I'll admit its something I can work on. Where I struggle is "love the sinner, not the sin". I don't approve of what she's doing, and she wants so badly for approval and acceptance. All the drama she flares into it really messes me up inside, and I just can't handle that again. Its finding the balance for me. thanks for the article

    • marbegay profile image

      Miriam Frenzel 4 years ago from US

      You might find this article interesting: http://www.ksl.com/?sid=24264159&nid=1010&...

    • Wakerra profile image
      Author

      Wakerra 4 years ago

      I wouldn't say I'm trying to impose my will over hers, or that my love for her is conditional. If anything, our perceptions of right vs wrong is much like yours and mine are. we are entitled to our opinions, though for the both of us (my mother and I) We can't seem to those opinions with one another without one of us imposing over the other, because we both feel so strongly about them. Drama and fights tend to break out when we enter any kind of deep discussion, and I can't take the brainwashing mind-warp of that any more. I am loving her from a distance, to protect us both. I'm sure things will turn around eventually, for right now, I feel this is best

    • marbegay profile image

      Miriam Frenzel 4 years ago from US

      Just remember to live what makes you happy but don't force others to believe in the same concepts. Another humans genetic makeup is not a weakness, saying that is, is already judging them. It's your belief but not a proven fact thus treating someone as so they have sinned or have fallen is cruel. Just turn it around. What if a homosexual persons believe is that being hetro sexual is evil and must be overcome. Where would that put you? Just my opinion: If you truly love someone you do not put conditions on it. It seems as if your heart ache is really coming from the expectation you have for your mother (for her to be a certain way) but she just won't be what you want her to be. She has the right to live her life the way it makes her happy. Her life should not be conditioned to what your beliefs are rather than her belief. And the same goes for her. She needs to let you belief what you choose to belief and not judge you for it. Your belief might be that the "natural man" is an enemy to god, but hers could contradict that. Who is making the judgement here? If you are telling her that her reality is false your pushing your beliefs on her. As I said before as long as she doesn't tell you to abandon your convictions you should refrain from telling her to change her outlooks and convictions. The only problem I see with your mother is that she might have not been honest about her true feelings and gotten married, had kids even though it wasn't really what she wanted. If she could only be honest about her true feelings to herself and others she wouldn't hurt so many people around her. I.e. There are people that only want one-night-stands, multiple partners, or one committed partner, etc. and as long as everybody is clear and honest about that upfront no one gets hurt. Just look at Joseph Smiths wives for example. Except for Emma all other wives knew that he was married and entered into a relationship with him knowingly, they were not surprised that he had intercourse with other women and were fine with it from the beginning. With Emma it was a different story. She did not marry Joseph knowing that later on she would have to share him with other women even in the bedroom thus she was the one hurt not the other wives. I truly hope that sheds a little light on why it is important to accept and love others for who they are. Stay true to what helps you to live a fulfilling live and let others do the same, it will make you a happier person. I know from experience. Good luck to you and your mother!

    • Wakerra profile image
      Author

      Wakerra 4 years ago

      While yes, Eternal marriage is part of God's plan and is the highest degree in Heaven, no, not all people will marry; hence why there are more degrees than one of heaven. Whether a person wants to marry or not is indeed their choice, but the whole "follow your heart" thing I have a hard time with. Its that very "follow your heart" that caused the last two divorces and heartache. That, and following ones desires is often linked to human nature, or the natural man. Something we should seek to overcome and better ourselves over. No, perhaps we can't "help it" at times, but again, its just human nature. We all have weaknesses, whether it be same gender attraction, hypocrisy, cheating, judging, whatever. That's why we're here, is to learn to overcome these weaknesses and better ourselves.

      Its the "Acceptance" that I do indeed struggle with, but mostly because she's trying to push on me that what she is doing is "justifiable". Perhaps my beliefs and standards aren't the only ones out there, but they are also the only things that didn't crumble with the rest of my reality. Its these very beliefs and standards that have helped me stay grounded, and eventually find it in heart to forgive my mother. While yes, I have forgiven her, I do not wish to be a part of this false reality she's created for herself. I know what is going to come of it (just as everything else I predicted came true when she started it) and I'm not going to let myself go through another heartache

    • marbegay profile image

      Miriam Frenzel 4 years ago from US

      Wakerra, I have read your story and it touched my heart deeply. My parents divorced just before their 25th anniversary. I was about 20 years old at that time. But it wasn't a sudden decision . Years of trying to make it work, tons of home teacher and Priesthood intervention. Initially I sided with my father but later on I was able to see the whole picture. Divorce causes heartaches and pains but today I must say I am glad my parents finally took the step to separate. Why should two people that are not happy with another stay together and make everyone else miserable? I have learned that there are people that simply are not the type to get married and have kids. They can't help themselves, just like gays can't change their genetic makeup, people like that can't either. It seems that your mother is such a person and might never be happy if she has to do what everyone else expects her to be. I am not saying that it justifies her actions because she made the decision to be in a committed relationship with children but it makes me wonder if it would have been better for all involved that she never gotten married and had kids. This might not sound "right" to you because of the way you were raised but think about it without bias. I am married with 4 children and am not against marriage. The thing I want to present to you is simply that there are people that thrive in committed relationships and should pursue them but there are also people that simply should not get married and live a different kind of live because it would not make them happy. Think out of the box! Don't look at your mother as a sinner that ruined your life, let her be herself. And be yourself too! You might have to live separate lives but you both need to do live your lives the way it fulfills you. You do not have to live with her anymore, you are an adult now. The standards/values you have grown up with are just one of many beliefs and standards out there don't let them get in the way of your relationship with your mother. You both would be a lot better off if you would only except each others outlook on life and personalities without judging.

    • Wakerra profile image
      Author

      Wakerra 4 years ago

      Thank you for your kind words. This was certainly not a situation to handle lightly, and Its really hard for me to see it happening to others. For a long time I wondered "why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this?" But recently I came to realize that I had to suffer through this, so that I could relate and help others who are going through it also. I'm glad you like it, this is a very personal story and I put a lot into making it into a hub

    • red mermaid profile image

      red mermaid 4 years ago

      You have achieved a hub that is both heart wrenching but filled with hope for the future of mankind. Your use of videos added to the emotional rollercoaster and anyone who has empathy with others couldn't fail to be moved by them. Forgiveness towards others is the only way forward and I agree it's never too late to change our lives and let go of the pain and hurt that fills our soul and replace it with all that is positive in this world. Well done a sensitively handled hub.

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