Open Hands

I am more complete than I could ever have wished to be. Lessons learned. Beautiful scars displayed on me. I'm allowing myself to be seen. What helped me get there was simply opening my hands. It was the key. The instructions lay before me visually. I wanted to stay with my fists tightly closed and my jaw tightly clenched but it was hard. It drained all of my energy. It would become my only focus and cause me to miss the world around me so instead I took the time to be still. I only thought of breathing. I let the sadness, confusion, and rage roll over me like a tidal wave. I felt everything. I did not brace for shock. I opened my hands. Later, much later, I was able to open my mind and let all the thoughts pour out of me. I released them all, the solid and the fleeting. It was exhausting. It left me unable to move at times. I was able to be seen with pristine clarity, humbling and frightening, open to judgement, but in time the thoughts no longer swarmed my mind. They no longer created the creatures that tormented in the night. I was slowly being freed. Then the fear was cured. Finally, I opened my heart and brought it back out. I didn't stop existing. It never stopped beating, it never stopped glowing. It is too strong to die. I let go and learned. In letting you go I was transformed and so were you. You were no longer a love that I lost. Death/loss no longer over shadowed your beautiful tale. You moved from the limiting thoughts in my mind back into my heart and sealed all the wounds, mended all the scars. 500 days and the number destined to grow endlessly. The sadness is gone, replaced by so many other things. I can see clearly. I see my purpose. I can feel the loves of my life stirring within me. All the stories, short and long. As if I didn't have enough to be grateful for, you've given me more amazing gifts. You locked in my self awareness and peace. Everything for a reason. I truly believe. Life experiences = Life. Such a simple equation. Love is endless, boundless, limitless, and something easily paid forward on so many levels. Loving my past or loving my future does not take your place. You exist endlessly within me. Beautiful. It is power. It can heal... me and others.

I will always remember.