- HubPages»
- Health»
- Quality of Life & Wellness
Silencing Those Inner Voices: A Moment With Bill Essay
SILENTLY IN THE NIGHT I HEAR IT
“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
Sylvia Plath
During those quiet times, as I lay in bed reflecting upon my day, I hear the voices. You are not good enough. You’ll never make it. You don’t have what it takes to succeed in writing. You will find a way to screw up this relationship. You are just ordinary; you can never do extra-ordinary things.
They have been with me my entire life. They are muted during the daytime hours. There is too much to do and not enough time to hear them clearly during the day. During the nighttime, though, their voices increase in volume and all that I worked for during the day is shrouded once again in self-doubt.
I wish they would abandon me and leave me in peace. I want so badly to proceed through one twenty-four hour period when the voices are not heard, but evidently that is not meant to be.
Do you hear them? At night, when all is quiet, and it is just you and your head sparring constantly…do you hear them?

OF COURSE YOU DO
We are, after all, only human, and most of us, from time to time if not constantly, will harbor thoughts of low self-esteem and self-doubt. For those of you who do not, I applaud you and marvel at your shining self-image.
Yes, we are only human, and part of the human experience is to suffer self-doubt from time to time. That is all well and good. To overcome that self-doubt and to succeed despite it, is something to be proud of.
But what of those who cannot shed the inner-fears? What of those who are paralyzed by feelings of inadequacy, so deep as to give birth to feelings of self-loathing. What of those who have been told over and over by loved ones that they are worthless and will never amount to anything? What are we to do for those?
I know there are some of you reading this article right now.
What are we to do with you?
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
Maxwell Maltz

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?
Seriously, where does low self-esteem come from? We all start out on a level playing field, right? By that I mean we all come out of the womb the same way, and there certainly are no self-esteem issues when we are a baby. So what happens between the time our mothers are changing our diapers and the time when we stop believing in ourselves or our abilities?
Perhaps a million little things or one big thing? Perhaps a parent who always told you that you were worthless, whose love and praise was always withheld from you no matter how hard you tried?
Perhaps you were beaten down by countless mistakes in judgment, until the day finally arrived when you no longer trusted your own counsel?
Perhaps you never had the support system that humans so desperately need, or you never had the soft shoulder to cry on or the rock-hard shoulder to lean against?
Perhaps you were neglected, or abused, or….or….or….until one day you awoke and could no longer find happiness in the mirror?
Where does it come from? Where does it go to? Do you even know how to regain that which seems like a distant memory?

It begins with self-love
ERASE THE PAST AND WRITE A NEW PRESENT
The beauty of each new sunrise is the chance to write a new script. We have the power to direct a new play, one where we are the director, actor and scriptwriter. Today is the first day of the rest of your life…blah, blah, blah, oh how trite and placating and yes, oh how true.
And yes, those same people that I mentioned earlier are saying it is too hard to erase the past, and the branding iron scars too deeply, and they have been hammered down to the point where they can’t possibly rise up again.
Yes you can!
How dare you listen to those who would demean you and worse yet, how dare you believe them.
Damn them all to hell….I hate abuse of any form…damn them! You are not worthy. You are stupid. You will never amount to anything. You are just taking up space and breathing air that someone else could use. Damn them all to hell and how dare you listen to them.
It’s like some form of torture used on prisoners of war. Slowly break down the resistance and keep hammering the message over and over and over again….you will never amount to anything and you will never succeed!
Yes you will!
You can’t do it you stupid bitch so just give up.
Yes you can!
Look at your wasted life. One mistake after another so you might just as well accept the fact that you are a loser.
No you are not!
Listen to me. You were born with the ability to move mountains. You were given the power to soar with the eagles. You were gifted with a unique combination of mind and body unequaled by anyone else in the history of mankind. There has never been anyone else like you and yet you walk around believing that you are ordinary. You are ten-thousand pounds of unleashed potential being held back by the weight of a thought.
Cast off your damn chains and start living life.

Visit me on my blog. I'd love to chat with you.
- The Art of Living Simple | Beginning a New Journey of Simplicity
Beginning a New Journey of Simplicity (by Billybuc)
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
“As a writer, you have to believe you're one of the best writers in the world. To sit down every day at the typewriter filled with self-doubt is not a good idea.”
Jo Nesbo
Silently in the night I hear it, but it is quieter now. The self-doubt still nags, nibbles and nicks, but the wounds are not as deep and the memories do not linger as long. The little boy who believed anything was possible became an adult who lost all belief and finally became middle-aged and once again believes in miracles. Full circle, round and round, ups and downs and highs and lows, we humans run the gamut of emotions and yes, self-doubt is one of them….but it does not have to be the controlling factor in our lives.
Am I a good writer? Probably! Am I one of the best in the world? Not a chance….yet! Three simple letters but oh, so important….yet. Like that little child fresh from the womb and diapers and training wheels, I believe I can be. The nibbling and nicking serve as reminders today that I have to be willing to work at my craft. I have to be willing to face rejection, because the game ain’t over until the fat lady sings and this man gives up.
And there is no give up in this writer.
Was this about me? About you? How many of us relate to the struggles with self-doubt? How many writers, artists and musicians wake up wondering if they have what it takes? How many human beings wake up each morning and wonder if they have what it takes?
“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”
Audrey Hepburn
The past is past. Bury it and let’s move forward. To those who said you were not good enough…..kiss off! To those who said you were not talented or brave or strong or pretty ….kiss off! To those who would demean you and try to drag you down to their level….kiss off!
Each and every one of us holds the key to happiness and contentment. We can continue to believe those self-defeating voices or we can stand proud, cast of the yoke of the past and write a new chapter in our lives.
Are you good enough?
Damned right you are!
2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
Comments
Aw, golly gee Billy, no one's ever said that to me before, Thanks! :-)
Thanks for not being afrain of me :-)
The voices in my head today are telling me to say hi to my neighbors! :-)
Thanks Billy,
Cat
Billy,
Haha, sorry, I guess I could've picked a better word than demons... it's been a long day and I had to cover my garden up tonight, as it snowed in New York today... I'm tired and maybe a little loopy :-) VOICES, that's what I meant VOICES :-)
Is it any wonder why mankind is an insecure race? Billy, between you and me, I have learned to accept the flaws of others, but I know not everyone lives by that same concept and so I feel I'm always up to criticism. Criticism is okay, when it's constructive, but it doesn't always come in that way.
You're right... I am trying to find the balance between caring, and not caring too much. I want to enjoy life too! :-)
Thanks Billy, I appreicate it, it means a lot.
Voices, I meant voices!
Cat
Oh Billy, this is beautiful! I was afraid and thought I should stay away, because I already recognize my inner demons... I just don't know how to shut them up! :-)
I can't believe you have those thoughts... even you? Your writing speaks in confidence... I know, that's part of being a good writer, which you truly are. I think as kids we don't recognize what it is that may be damaging to us in the future, but then as an adult, it hits us like a ton of bricks. One thing I've vowed to work on is seeing a better image of myself. Living in fear is no way to live, fearing being accepted, fearing rejection, disappointment, these are daily reminders for me... I just need to learn to recognize them and appreciate them but not hide because of them. This is very inspiring Billy... thank you, it's always nice to hear another's humble words!
Cat
You ought to be a motivational speaker Bill. You have the public speaking experience and you certainly know how to inspire. Needed this hub right about now. Thanks
The voices, ah yes, the voices. Mine love the daylight and are silent at night, thankfully. I sleep like a grizzly in winter but question myself during the daylight hours. I think it's natural. Bill, this was a powerful message and presented artfully. I do question if we all come here on the same level playing field though. I am a believer that we are exposed to verbal messaging while we are developing. Father's that talk to their children lovingly while being carried in the womb have demonstrated a tighter bond with Dad than those who did not get the same experience. Others are born addicted to whatever substances Mom abused during the pregnancy. Children of unwanted pregnancies seem to know it from birth. For these reasons, we do what we do - try to create a better future for ALL. Another beautiful work from my kindred spirit. Keep doing what you do because it is making a difference. Hugs!
Oh no, don't be sorry Bill...absolutely, no problem. I'd like to be single at times, anyway. Lol! Have a good night to you and Bev.
Bill, thank you for the love and blessings. However, I am not a single parent. Lol! Remember this hub? https://hubpages.com/relationships/Until-debt-I-me...
It's been over a year and it certainly needs some update soon, as I look forward to celebrating our 25th year this summer.
You made me chuckle! But, don't worry about it, we are allowed to make mistakes. Trust me, I just made a big blunder on hawaiianodyseeus by calling him a different name not Joe. Lol!
Love and blessings back to you!
What a picture you paint, Bill! In my mind at the moment is the image of an overcomer. And that is one main thing it takes to change- a new image of oneself. "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he;" but in Hebrew, thoughts are directly tied in to images. Thanks, Bill! You put courage in a person's heart.
@Bill Nice booster you got out here !! You always carve out a gem with your magical words !! Those inner voices are so tough to get through sometimes, low esteem does no good :( .... Thanks for sharing such a nice article. I need to slowly learn to delve into a cast as good as yours :)
Hi Bill,
Late to the party again! Just can't keep up with you my friend! This is an inspired piece Bill you have written, you really know us all so well. Self doubt and lack of confidence is something most of us know at one point or another and I too join this this group. I have always been told by family to take a compliment as I always seem uncomfortable in doing so. I have had to face some pretty daunting things where I have had to have a strong belief in myself and my abilities and then after, the doubts creep back. Oh you know these feelings so well my friend, great job!
I admit, this is where I run to when I am running low of energy and needing some inspirations--to billybuc and then, of course there are some more who made it to the list. However, for now I am here...listening to every word this teacher is saying.
Thank you for all the wonderful hubs. I'm always behind on my reading these days (excuse me please) but so glad we have connected. Certainly bookmarking and sharing.
Love from the sky~
Your realistic assessment of the subject, Bill, should be very helpful to any reader who has now or has ever had issues with self confidence and self esteem. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Everyone of us is good enough - we just have to believe in ourselves.
I meant to say "I was respected BY my male colleagues." I left out the "by". Of course I respected them. (I was horrified when I saw that ommission. Maybe I should stick to Facebook and Twitter.)
This is my new favorite article! don't know how you do it, but you always say what I need to hear! This is well witten and beautiful!
Not wishing to tempt fate, Bill, but I do believe Spring has finally landed. I seeing more lambs in the fields and that's a sure of Spring and we're looking at high temps from the high 40s to the low 50s this week. I took advantage of the sun yesterday to clean up the backyard, plant some chilli peppers, parsley and basil, and transplant the strawberries into a larger container. My reward was a visit from a beautiful butterfly, :) There's still loads more to do and I'm looking forward to it.
You've got chickens?! I want chickens. They're such quirky creatures with engaging personalities. My husband says no and, actually, I don't know if I'm even allowed to keep them. I live in a village surrounded by farmers' fields but the neighbourhood is designated residential so I don't know. Plus there's the problem of free roaming cats. I guess I'll have to wait for the East of England show and visit the chickens there.
Do have a lovely day, won't you, Mr. Bill.
Bill, I'm fortunate to still have my family with me. I will probably be a basket case when I can no longer say that. Pray I don't fall deeper into my 'friend' when that happens.
Oh God, bill.....please, ALL THE LIGHTS.....and don't leave anything in the middle of the room. I've been known to trip over my own feet! The hugest family joke at one time was....whenever there was an incredible sound of CRASH, BANG, CLANG BOOM.....My Dad would calmly say, "OK, Paula's home." LOL!
(You needn't wear blue tights......red is OK)
Truly an inspirational hub. I always try to remind myself.. If you never try.. you fail 100% of the time. I am my own worst enemy sometimes.. Thank you for reminding me just how important it is to just try.. without having the courage to just try.. we're just stuck!
"Cast off your damn chains and start living life."
I love this statement. It is so simple and yet so hard for most to do. But I have always said the same, Just do it!
Mark
Buying chickens - must be springtime! We appreciate spring after a rough winter, don't we?
Great hub - thanks for pointing out a secret so many people feel alone with! Hope it helps someone else to find their inside strength, too.
Billy, what a profound and moving message! This is my favorite of your amazing thoughts so far: "You are ten-thousand pounds of unleashed potential being held back by the weight of a thought."
I'm going to paste that to my forehead! Seriously. Thank you once again for making things so 'crystal clear'. Excellent, my friend!
;) Pearl
Hi Bill, this one really gives food for thought. It is another very powerful demonstration that early childhood development events do in fact last through life. You are successful, people tell you that every day of your life, but all these affirmations cannot heal the memories of how others spoke to you in your earliest days. HOPE LOTS OF PARENTS ARE READING THIS.
On a brighter note, self esteem develops with the successes you achieve in life. When you are able to share your pain with others, that in itself is an achievement. Hopefully you will continue to achieve constantly, and the night voices will be muffled so much that you can disregard them in the background, as you move forward .
Bill, good morning
Inner voices can indeed be our greatest boon or our greatest downfall. Questioning ourselves and disbelief in our abilities can thwart success...lucky for me I have for the most part not been faced with self doubt.
I guess I was so oblivious to the possibility that I might fail that I just forged ahead ....LOL. I didn't know that I didn't know!!!
So glad you have taken the time to share this message of hope.
Many Angels are on the way to you today :) ps
You have sent an energetic message across and I so enjoyed reading this Hub. An encouraging way of life.
Thank you for this. Part of my illness makes my past come alive. Fortunately, most of my past was glorious. One thing that made my ideas so successful, was my ability to recrute people and getting them to focus on what they did best,
This hub is very encouraging and inspiring, Bill! Thank you so much for such an important message.
Sorry...I'm still a bit groggy.....just woke up and I had the craziest dream...It was one of those upsetting kind of dreams. I had the strongest feelings of anxiety and worry. I couldn't stop being overwhelmed with fear and doubt......like, questioning my every thought and action...wondering if I was doing the right things, in the right way for the right reason.
You can imagine the panic, in a woman, who has always had it together....moved to the beat of her own drum, held ass-kicking self assurance....made decisions and followed through with confidence.
The "crazy" part, was this guy went into a phone booth and came charging out like Superman..only I noticed it said "Writerman," across his chest...oh yeah, by the way, the new Superman doesn't fly.....he's gone all techno now. He uses a computer and his words fly. Seriously, I'm not kidding you. Ingenious, don't you think, Clark? Makes a hell of a lot of sense when you're in the rescue business. What will they think of next?..........................UP++++
Voted up and awesome. I hear you, I'm listening and I got it Bill. Inspirational as always. Passing this on.
Brilliant stuff. Sharing this message.
Bill, this is as motivating as it could be. I'm pretty sure all of us have our low moments; the moments of self doubts, and this hub is a great morale booster.
Thanks for this vitalizing hub and I always leave energized from here.
Voted all the way up, my friend.
I used to buy into this philosophy, for years i was married to a man who belitted me, i was not a good cook, i was dead in bed, for years i believed him, then a light bulb flickered. I found that i am funny, i enjoy people, i still am not the best cook, but my chili ' ain't bad..Hee..I listened to your video and fully agree, we are good people, why didn't we see that before? Cheers my friend...
Hi Bill,
I think that part of the reason we writers have self-esteem issues comes from the fact that we are always looking at the "what ifs". What ifs are often negative in origin, but these are crucial for our existence as writers. As we write, we trudge down the path we created and often find ourselves in territory where we have never been. That's when we begin to question ourselves. When we reach this point, we need to remind ourselves that it is at this point that we are in a position from which we can grow. It isn't easy, but it is necessary if we are to develop our talents as writers.
Mental cruelty in any form begins with "you can't." Give me the reason "Why not"? You are right, though, it happens a lot, and when someone hears it constantly, they believe it. Even a strong person can eventually be beaten down. We all have self-doubts, and for those that have to hear it every day, you need a support system.
Bill...You have seen my thoughts and have read my mind...voting across and sharing...
Well here I was thinking I was the only one like that!
I love Eleanor Roosevelt's words, ' No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.'
Why do we give people permission to pull us down? Often those so called, 'loved ones' are more like a ball and chain. Perhaps they are afraid, I don't know.
I don't want to live a half life filled with regret. Go forth and conquer I say.
One of your best Bill.
Wow Bill, this is your most powerful piece yet. I think you've it upon something most everyone can relate to; I know I can. I have struggled with self doubt and low self esteem since I was a child. For years I walked into any given room and thought everyone in there knew something I didn't, had something I didn't, was more worthy than I and I was a freak. The older I get, the more I see we're all freaks and normal is just a cycle on the washing machine. (I stole that, I think from Emmylou Harris.) It's our quirks and differences that make us unique, and therefore special. I think it helps to get out of your immediate circle of friends and family and get exposed to the bigger world. You realize there are all kinds of people and all kinds of different choices in life. I guess as long as you're operating in a way that is morally acceptable to you and your higher power, most everything comes down to personal choice based on who you are intrinsically. And why do people spend so much time condemning others for being different? Likely to gain self assurance. It's clear to me now that many adults are just overgrown children, still forming cliques to gossip about the ones who do things a different way, still reactng out of fear and a desire to fit in, waiting to pounce on anyone who acts in a way they don't understand or have been told is unacceptable. OK - is that a long enough rant for you. To sum up, job well done! Sharing this one.
Bill, I was fortunate to have been raised by a very loving, supportive family. My parents always told me I was pretty, smart and talented. To this day they tell me how proud they are of me - even before I became a writer. Now that I am, they are my biggest supporters.
Despite all that, occasionally I doubt myself. I think that's human nature, especially when you embark on a new venture in life. That self-doubt is turned into fuel for me. I've always been a dare-devil. And I never let anything keep me down. I'm the only one capable of that and it's just not in my makeup; I'm too stubborn and rebellious to let anyone keep me down - especially me!
I feel for those who were not supported growing up. It's hard to overcome that which has been embedded into your psyche. We can help change that by being supportive of all in whom we believe and see promise. Which, in my eyes, is everyone who lives and breathes!
You're the best, my friend. I grow more fond of you as each day goes by. You have a heart of gold and arms that reach around the world.
Lots of Love from the elbow of your arms (Florida),
Sha
Bill, your powerful, even fiery words, come at a good time for all of us. Spring is a time of renewal in nature and in our lives. In fact, as you write, every day is. This is a hub to read and reread like a mantra of motivation and banisher of those voices, reminders of mistakes like ghosts who settle around us.
I am really glad that you and Joe (hawiianodysseus) are acquainted now too. He is an excellent writer and has such a great sense of humor.
I gave you 4 thumbs up Bill for writing this super motivator here, and its very helpful, as well as uplifting for those folks whom either beat themselves over the head all the time, or allow others to do more of the same.
I learned to simply ignore such ruthless or senseless negative thought processes as your hub here expressed about, that many ignorant folks conjure up, and it has done wonders for me today.
"Awesomesauce" is my definitive term of phraseology I shall give this hub :) thanks for lighting up the screen here bro as you do so very well, and with your amazing heart felt writings and intense passion for humanity and the likes.
Powerful message bro, thumbs up and you know the rest man.
A motivational article that speaks so many truths, all reality. Great hub!
Great hub, Bill! I think like many people that I am the only one with so much self doubt. When I read your hubs, I see a strong man, confidant in his ideas. It is hard for me to visualize self doubt there! It is comforting to know that I don't have a monopoly on it!
Love the quotes! Thank you!
Excellent motivational and inspiration prose. Well thought out.
Funny how the little demons come to visit just as you are thinking of going to sleep! I can certainly relate to that, so many a night has been spent thinking instead of sleeping. Love the image, 'Life is a journey of Discovery'. Thanks billybuc, voted up because it lifts me up too! Have a great week-end
Great hub, as always, billybuc! It is motivating and up-lifting! It epitomizes the quote, "You may knock me down seven times, but I will get up eight" You haven't given up when the times get tough- you just work harder and I applaud you for that!
Wonderful words of wisdom from you Bill and seriously you do always know just the right words to say. Thank you for always just being such a wonderful role model on here and for knowing just what to when we we all do need it most. Have a great weekend again my friend!! :)
Well, friend Bill, you’ve said a mouthful. I think most of us start out as “normal” human beings, but we have the wind of our confidence knocked out at some time in childhood. Mine was gone by the time I was 14, and it wasn’t easy to regain. In my case I was taking some courses in self-hypnosis, and one day I had an AH-HA moment. It hit me in class that the very people who had put me down and tried to keep me down were less capable than I. I was just as intelligent and educated, and in some cases, even more so than they were. They certainly had no business judging me or trying to run my life. After that epiphany my life changed forever. I had just given myself permission to tell the naysayers to butt out, and that included my mother. It doesn’t mean that I’m not willing to listen to advice from someone with life experience who is actually trying to help.
I also have to say that part of my lack of confidence earlier in life stemmed from being stuck in the wrong career, mainly because I was a woman. I pride myself in the fact that my generation broke the gender barriers. When I entered what had been considered a man’s world, I was successful and even respected my male colleagues. So if you have the aptitude for writing, write. Don’t tell yourself you can’t. If you suck at writing, maybe you have chosen the wrong career. But before you decide, get an evaluation from a neutral party, like a writing teacher or coach. I see a few people on hub pages who are talented, but could use a writing class or two, which should boost their confidence and chances of success. To the contrary, I see people here who are totally without talent and should stick to Facebook and Twitter.
I say all this as I sit here on Saturday morning working overtime at my daytime editing job. By the way, I despise platitudes, too.
Sometimes I just have to go back to Sesame Street basics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyVzjoj96vs
And just a little dancing around helps get rid of that devil on my shoulder.
You write with such directness. You reach out, heart-to-heart, to your audience with compassion and intelligence and enough levity to illustrate how genuine you really are. You have such a strong, clear, wise, caring, and encouraging voice. Thank you for sharing yourself with the world! :-)
Bill, I believe that would be "Hot Poop, Inc." on 210 E. Main Street. Check out their videos on YouTube.
Joe
108