Silencing Those Inner Voices: A Moment With Bill Essay

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
Sylvia Plath

During those quiet times, as I lay in bed reflecting upon my day, I hear the voices. You are not good enough. You’ll never make it. You don’t have what it takes to succeed in writing. You will find a way to screw up this relationship. You are just ordinary; you can never do extra-ordinary things.

They have been with me my entire life. They are muted during the daytime hours. There is too much to do and not enough time to hear them clearly during the day. During the nighttime, though, their voices increase in volume and all that I worked for during the day is shrouded once again in self-doubt.

I wish they would abandon me and leave me in peace. I want so badly to proceed through one twenty-four hour period when the voices are not heard, but evidently that is not meant to be.

Do you hear them? At night, when all is quiet, and it is just you and your head sparring constantly…do you hear them?

We are, after all, only human, and most of us, from time to time if not constantly, will harbor thoughts of low self-esteem and self-doubt. For those of you who do not, I applaud you and marvel at your shining self-image.

Yes, we are only human, and part of the human experience is to suffer self-doubt from time to time. That is all well and good. To overcome that self-doubt and to succeed despite it, is something to be proud of.

But what of those who cannot shed the inner-fears? What of those who are paralyzed by feelings of inadequacy, so deep as to give birth to feelings of self-loathing. What of those who have been told over and over by loved ones that they are worthless and will never amount to anything? What are we to do for those?

I know there are some of you reading this article right now.

What are we to do with you?

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
Maxwell Maltz

Seriously, where does low self-esteem come from? We all start out on a level playing field, right? By that I mean we all come out of the womb the same way, and there certainly are no self-esteem issues when we are a baby. So what happens between the time our mothers are changing our diapers and the time when we stop believing in ourselves or our abilities?

Perhaps a million little things or one big thing? Perhaps a parent who always told you that you were worthless, whose love and praise was always withheld from you no matter how hard you tried?

Perhaps you were beaten down by countless mistakes in judgment, until the day finally arrived when you no longer trusted your own counsel?

Perhaps you never had the support system that humans so desperately need, or you never had the soft shoulder to cry on or the rock-hard shoulder to lean against?

Perhaps you were neglected, or abused, or….or….or….until one day you awoke and could no longer find happiness in the mirror?

Where does it come from? Where does it go to? Do you even know how to regain that which seems like a distant memory?

The beauty of each new sunrise is the chance to write a new script. We have the power to direct a new play, one where we are the director, actor and scriptwriter. Today is the first day of the rest of your life…blah, blah, blah, oh how trite and placating and yes, oh how true.

And yes, those same people that I mentioned earlier are saying it is too hard to erase the past, and the branding iron scars too deeply, and they have been hammered down to the point where they can’t possibly rise up again.

Yes you can!

How dare you listen to those who would demean you and worse yet, how dare you believe them.

Damn them all to hell….I hate abuse of any form…damn them! You are not worthy. You are stupid. You will never amount to anything. You are just taking up space and breathing air that someone else could use. Damn them all to hell and how dare you listen to them.

It’s like some form of torture used on prisoners of war. Slowly break down the resistance and keep hammering the message over and over and over again….you will never amount to anything and you will never succeed!

Yes you will!

You can’t do it you stupid bitch so just give up.

Yes you can!

Look at your wasted life. One mistake after another so you might just as well accept the fact that you are a loser.

No you are not!

Listen to me. You were born with the ability to move mountains. You were given the power to soar with the eagles. You were gifted with a unique combination of mind and body unequaled by anyone else in the history of mankind. There has never been anyone else like you and yet you walk around believing that you are ordinary. You are ten-thousand pounds of unleashed potential being held back by the weight of a thought.

Cast off your damn chains and start living life.

“As a writer, you have to believe you're one of the best writers in the world. To sit down every day at the typewriter filled with self-doubt is not a good idea.”
Jo Nesbo

Silently in the night I hear it, but it is quieter now. The self-doubt still nags, nibbles and nicks, but the wounds are not as deep and the memories do not linger as long. The little boy who believed anything was possible became an adult who lost all belief and finally became middle-aged and once again believes in miracles. Full circle, round and round, ups and downs and highs and lows, we humans run the gamut of emotions and yes, self-doubt is one of them….but it does not have to be the controlling factor in our lives.

Am I a good writer? Probably! Am I one of the best in the world? Not a chance….yet! Three simple letters but oh, so important….yet. Like that little child fresh from the womb and diapers and training wheels, I believe I can be. The nibbling and nicking serve as reminders today that I have to be willing to work at my craft. I have to be willing to face rejection, because the game ain’t over until the fat lady sings and this man gives up.

And there is no give up in this writer.

Was this about me? About you? How many of us relate to the struggles with self-doubt? How many writers, artists and musicians wake up wondering if they have what it takes? How many human beings wake up each morning and wonder if they have what it takes?

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”
Audrey Hepburn

The past is past. Bury it and let’s move forward. To those who said you were not good enough…..kiss off! To those who said you were not talented or brave or strong or pretty ….kiss off! To those who would demean you and try to drag you down to their level….kiss off!

Each and every one of us holds the key to happiness and contentment. We can continue to believe those self-defeating voices or we can stand proud, cast of the yoke of the past and write a new chapter in our lives.

Are you good enough?

Damned right you are!

2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)