TYW: The Heart
The lyrics take me back to a stage that is a natural part of grief. The choice you face - Is this where you will stay? How long will you stay?
FADE TO BLACK
Life it seems will fade away, drifting further everyday. Getting lost within myself, nothing matters no one else. I have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give...
Darkness imprisoning me... all that I see...absolute horror...I cannot live, I cannot die...
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters
Then there is the other choice...
So close no matter how far, couldn't be much more from the heart, forever trust in who we are, and nothing else matters.
Never cared for what they say, never cared for games they play, never cared for what they do, never cared for what they know, but I know.
I never opened myself this way. Life is ours we live it our way. All these words I don't just say and nothing else matters.
It seems I have reached the plateau. I have reached that place where growth stops. No one can say for sure whether it is a temporary pause or the end of the road. Am I as whole as I can ever be or is this as close as I will ever come? Experiencing loss is one of those things that deplete you. It rips away the things in life that cloud your vision. It is a very dangerous blessing. You are able to see thru all the things that do not matter. You are able to see all the meaningless parts of life that strips you of your time and energy. Then it continues to strip you. This is the edge of insanity. Darkness takes you as its prisoner. As you stand there, in the void, stripped of all you know and all you are, all you can do is hope that what you are made of will see you thru to the other side but you don't know. You don't know how far the other side is or even if there is another side to get to. You do not know how much you have in yourself. It is something that can make you or break you. Is there enough of you left to make it back alive or will you chose to die with your loved one? The true undead, the living dead, are those that chose to die before they are able to give up their shell. Will you crawl and drag your injured, scarred body towards the path of simple existence and peace or will you roll over, stay, cloaked in darkness, close your eyes, and wait to bleed out.
No one can ever prepare you for the loneliness of losing a life partner. How can you ever be prepared to go from dedicating 90% or more of your daily life to someone to 0% in one day? The loneliness is debilitating and incurable. There is no replacement for the embraces or the feeling of oneness. Something is always missing. Tho I have re-learned to enjoy the temporary trappings of the world and have reclaimed my life, the loneliness persists. I can hide myself like a vampire and prey on the light of another. I can use it as a medicine and risk addiction to the relief and distraction it brings. It is a mask. I can only go so far with it before fading back and letting go. I do not want the things that I once wanted or had. Doubt is natural. As different as I am, I am still human. Am I strong because I bury you? Am I strong because I hide all the things that remind me of you? I still wear your symbol. I wrestle to break the connection. These things have no soul. They are only in honor of you. Seeing your photos is still a challenge. It churns up tears and hurt within me. Still, I feel healed. I feel free. I am not trapped in you. There is no anger, no more frustration. I no longer need to understand. There is no regret or guilt. I have come to terms with the things that once haunted me yet as I write this there is pain and sadness. Those two seem to have no cures. It is not lack of healing. I think it is reality. Time is a healer but even it has limitations. I once despised time. I didn't feel it passing. I couldn't feel it healing. Again, I am human and often impatient. I still struggle to see to far ahead. I decided not to look. Having been stripped and seeing myself clearly has given me a freedom that I have never had before. I am unrestricted. It is amazing and dangerous. I am guided by my own sense of what is right. It is not much different than how I have always been, it is just a more powerful version of myself. I never cared about the views and judgements of others but paired with this new found freedom and awareness of self I can feel something in me that would run rampant. I am grateful for the things in life that keep me anchored. Without them, I assume I would live savagely, tho not in a negative way.
I let go. It was the right thing to do. I walked away from the rose so that it would grow and heal. There are no regrets. The hurt lingers but it is mixed in with pleasure, satisfaction, and gratitude. It is something that I can carry with me now. There may never be a day that a photo wont bring me to my knees but that is the price of a love that was lost I suppose. I am love so I do not fear it. I do not fear the company of others. To suffer alone for the rest of days is not a tribute to those we love. It is a self punishment. You have nothing to be punished for. To show caring and nurturing to another and to be cared for and nurtured does not take the place of the one you love. As I write this, I think of some I met here. Life is connection. Your dragon remains powerful in you whether you chose to live or just exist and wait for death. Sorrow may never leave you but can be worn beautifully. As I write about life and passion, I can sense the unwritten judgement. I do not mind hearing it. It can be written. I do not fear it. I am not bothered by it. I know those I left behind read these. Call me out. Ask me your question. I understand what life is and what it means to live by my own standards. More importantly, my husband saw me very clearly and loved me for it.
Can I love? I am love. I do love. I can share it with those whose light shines brightly. There are limits. I feel them. Tho now limited, the love that I have had is more than those of this world are used to seeing. My full capacity for romantic love may lay dormant for a long time. I will love on so many levels. It seems I was made to pour on others. Should the day come for me to chose romantic love again, I suppose I will see where the flow carries me and love as much as I can. Nothing forced, nothing rehearsed. Never a replacement, just a new chapter.