That Terrible A

Back in high school and probably even before that, I look back and now see that I had touches here and there of anxiety. Those touches are nothing like I experience present day. I truly feel it is possible to have anxiety buried deep down inside of us. One trigger can bring it to the surface and although it can start to be buried again, it will never be as deep down as it used to be. This make it possible to resurface even easier than before.

In my personal experience, I went through a very traumatic event that affects my life daily. Although it happened back in 2013, it will forever follow me around. This event was the main trigger to my anxiety. What this event has to do with my anxiety is everything. It gives me nightmares and those involved in this traumatic event, haunt my dreams. While the word haunt sounds silly, it is true. No matter the situation or setting in my dreams, this person/persons shows up and turns it into a nightmare. This is just one of the signs.

When it comes to anxiety, some habits can form. I recently had a friend from high school who spoke openly about the fact that she bit her nail beds as a result of anxiety. Others bite their actual nails, some pull their hair out on different parts of their bodies, and then there is the habit I have.

I bite the skin off the tip of my tongue.

I do not realize I am doing it at first. It takes a couple of days to realize I've been doing it. When I finally realize, it is always around the time that I am anxious about something. I do not stop doing it, no matter how damaged my tongues becomes, until I have my anxiousness under control. To me, this is another obvious sign that something is not right.

When you first read this word, you may think of some sort of addiction.

In a way, this can be seen as a slight addiction. I usually consider myself independent, just as most people do. But, when something is off, I especially start depending on my husband. This is not to say that I do not depend on him ever because I do. I depend on him daily but in a healthy way. When my anxiety starts getting uncontrolled, my dependency on him becomes unhealthy. The minute he walks out the door, whether it be the front door, the bathroom door, or our bedroom door, I shut down and feel automatically alone.

Then there comes the breakdowns. These breakdowns mostly consist of random crying. Most of the time, nothing can be wrong at that moment in time but you just need to cry. To me personally, there are two types of crying I engage in.

1. Shower crying: When you get in the shower and just let the water run and blend in with your tears.
2. Bed crying: When the lights go out and you are alone with your thoughts and cry yourself to sleep.

Of course, these two types of crying are from my personal experience. Others, if I had to guess, park the car and cry, lock themselves in a room and cry, or go for a drive alone and cry, etc.

This is one of the most obvious signs that anxiety is returning. I personally am a social butterfly. I like going out to meet new people and whenever I am around others, I am usually the one talking and talking. I always joked growing up that I could talk to a rock if it didn't make me seem crazy!

When I am becoming anxious, this all fades. I shy away from friends who want to see me, whether it be to cheer me up or just hang out. I start to slowly ignore my cell phone which is huge for me. I even shy away from my husband and children which kills me but I cannot control my inner feelings.

Yes, I am now a mother to two kids. One being an infant and one being a toddler. Yes, it can be tiring. Yes, I probably need to sleep for a full 24 hours. But, I can tell the difference between "mom tired" and "emotional exhaustion." When it comes to "emotional exhaustion," I randomly nap with not a care in the world, I tend to sleep much more or try to even when I am not tired, and sometimes it can be the opposite. When it comes to bed time, I am so exhausted and so tired but insomnia kicks in because of the over-thinking. It's almost as if I turn into a newborn, having my days and nights mixed up.

Anything I used to find interesting or fun, no longer interests me. Some examples of this is reading books, embroidering, arts and crafts, being outside, etc. These things that should be fun, almost turn into a chore or "too much work." There is no joy or fun in most activities anymore because it is almost as if I have to work to bring myself to go and do them as well as enjoy them.

Once you start noticing the signs, whether they are general signs associated with anxiety or personal signs you experience when becoming anxious, take control! Be more self-aware and try your best to pay attention to yourself. Only you know what goes on inside your body and mind.