The Day I Broke Down

It has almost been nine months since my Mother had died of cancer. I haven’t cried. After nine months I thought I was immune from crying. After all in nine months you can make another human being. I didn’t know why I didn’t cry. I was trying to be strong for my son and I told myself crying wouldn’t help.

After all it was cancer. I couldn’t have prevented my Mother’s death and I had done everything I could for her in her life time. And during her cancer I was with her 24/7.

I did everything I knew how to do. I feed her and organized her diet so she would get the 3,200 calories a day she needed. I organized her chemo and her stomach medicines. I had done research into her cancer. I had advocated with her oncologist when Mom didn’t understand. No stone was left unturned.

No matter how ugly or unpleasant the job for caring for my Mother I embraced it so when I didn’t cry I thought it was because my conscious was clean.

My family thought I didn’t love my Mother because I didn’t break down. They were so angry I didn’t cry they didn’t invite me to the funeral. I told myself it didn’t matter. My Mother was gone and disposing of the remains was just a formality.

So for the better part of nine months I have been okay and not shed a tear. I really didn’t understand why but I didn’t.

So tonight I took my son shopping. He is a growing boy and is fond of food. A blonde woman came up to me and asked me if I remembered her. I told her that I did and she was my Mom’s nurse. She looked at my son and was surprised how big he had grown. I informed her I have been informed my son will be well over 6 feet.

I mentioned my Mom died and then the tears came. The nurse started to well up so we both turned off the water works as my son was close enough to notice.

I thanked the nurse for helping me with my Mom and being there for us while my Mom had cancer. She told me she was sorry for my loss. And then I realized I could cry with her because she had been apart of my Mother’s care and my family had not. For the better part of the 11/2 years of cancer care I was alone with my Mom and her cancer with the exception of this kind hearted nurse. And I realized just how grateful I had been for the help.

I explained to her we never got hospice services and that my Mother was only given hospice the last three days of her life. She found that so hard to believe since my son and I had been the closest people to my Mother. She knew how alone we had been in my Mother’s care with the exception of her. And I was so grateful she was there and when I was with her I could finally break down and cry.

So I would suggest that if you have a family member with cancer don’t leave them alone to do all the work because they will not be able to cry with you as you did not endure anything but the lose and by then it is too late. I feel like my Mother died with only the love of my son and I which I guess is better then dying completely alone.

I believe my Mother’s nurse was an angel and I was so grateful she gave me a moment to cry. I probably kept her way to long and came across way to needy but it was the first time I had contact with anyone who was actually caring for my Mother besides me. To this day Hospice has continued to deny myself and my son services.