The Highs and Lows of an Addictive and Somewhat Compulsive Personality: A Moment With Bill Reflection
THE REALITY OF MY LIFE
Well, John, I have, and now that I’m sober I am still an obsessive.
Truth be told, my friends, I have always had an obsessive and yes, somewhat compulsive personality. Since I have never known my birth parents, and since my adopted parents were not obsessive, I’ve flown blind for a good many decades. It was not until I realized that I was an alcoholic did the realization hit me that I am like a pit bull when it comes to grabbing hold of something and not letting go.
The clues were there at a young age but I didn’t see them for what they were. Instead I just believed I was a determined young man who would not settle for mediocre. All of those long hours throwing a baseball against a wall were just a young player who wanted to be the best. All of that relentless practicing at the keyboard was just a young man who found no happiness in being mundane. The question for me was not why do I try so hard, but rather why doesn’t everyone else?
It was as though I had no turn off switch, or even a switch that could dial down the effort a bit. It was balls-to-the-wall in whatever I did, from sports to hobbies to work and even relationships. I had to be the best….I had to leave it all on the field….and it was never enough. No matter the effort expended…no matter the pain that it cost….there was little satisfaction gained.
It was an exhausting way to live and to a certain extent I am still living it.
THE LOWS SHOULD BE OBVIOUS
Imagine if you will a dark night and something threatens you from the shadows. You cannot see this menacing force but you can hear its growl and smell its intentions. Rather than run in fear you turn to face it, and in fact you give chase. You thrash through the undergrowth, scraping your shins, scratching your arms and pushing your heart and lungs to the limit…..but you never catch your quarry.
You lay on the ground, completely spent. The sweat pours off of you, tiny rivulets of expenditure flowing from every pore, and your breath heaves as you try to regain some semblance of physical control. Your body finally recovers and you stand, but rather than head home to safety and comfort, you turn in the direction of your quarry and give chase once again, hoping against hope that this time it will be different.
Welcome to my world!
I had to be the best pitcher in baseball. I had to be the hardest worker at the job. I had to be the best teacher and I had to be the best parent and today, I have to be the best writer. And sadly, I could never be, and will never be, any of those things. I understand that on a purely logical level. Translating that understanding into action is a whole new can or worms.
Do you have an addictive personality?
SO HOW COULD THERE BE ANY HIGHS AT ALL?
Good question! If I am constantly falling short of unrealistic goals, where do the highs enter the picture?
They appear from two places. One, there are always minor victories. There are always moments as a writer when I craft a seemingly perfect sentence, or when I sell an article and receive praise. However, it is always a fleeting victory because moments later I am reminding myself that I can always do better.
Secondly, in a very warped sense of reality, the victory is in the pursuit and obsession itself. Like an alcoholic who knows he is sick and yet finds great comfort from the very poison he swallows, I find comfort in pursuing the uncatchable. It is a game of cat and mouse that has no end, but the chase itself is a mental adrenalin rush the likes of which I cannot describe.
Again, welcome to my world!
Are you obsessive/compulsive?
Something to think about
FINDING THE SILVER LINING
Of course there is a silver lining. There always is if one is willing to learn and change.
Whatever relief I have found has come because of a willingness to surrender. I finally realized that I had to give up the chase or die trying, and when faced with that end result the choice was fairly easy. I had to relinquish control and stop trying to affect the outcome in my fantasy world. I also had to tweak my expectations and channel my energies into realistic pursuits.
Instead of trying to be the best writer who has ever walked this planet, it is now enough for me to be the best writer named Bill Holland who has ever walked this planet. A fine distinction for sure, but one that has made all the difference in the world, and it is a distinction that allows me a sense of obsession without being unhealthy. The best of both worlds! LOL
Psychologically I had to change the nature of my obsessions. Today my writing is a passion rather than a necessity upon which my self-esteem was built. Today being a good husband and father is a goal rather than a need. Today being a supportive and loyal friend is enough without attempting to be the best friend man has ever known.
WHERE TO FROM HERE?
Of course I can be better, but is it in my best interest to try so hard that I lose all perspective? I think not!
I have found balance today. I am quite certain that there will still be days when I see the menacing force in the shadows and give chase, but I am also quite certain that the chase will be curtailed by the realization that I am fine the way I am. For all of us, the ghosts never really disappear. There are times when it is a major struggle to keep them at bay; at other times, it is simply a matter of saying “shoo” and they slink back into the darkness. Such is life for we humans.
And that is the bottom line. I am only human, and today I find comfort in the perfection of my imperfections.
May all of you find the same.
2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
Comments
Most interesting...I have a compulsive personality in some areas so I can relate. I am working on 20 things at once and want them done immediately...So I make the list and try to get most of it accomplished. I jump ...I write for a while, work on art, cook soup, read, clean house, go back to writing etc...For you it was being the best...For me it is compulsively getting everything done. Glad you have found some balance and..of course you will still have "those days"
Think the best way to look at it would be to reach our own personal goals and overcome them. If we think we're the best so and so, there will always be someone who is better....the focus should be to improve and always go beyond our personal best. The standards of others can be benchmarks....but our own standards are what we should live by. Very thoughtful, Bill.
You write with such truth and soul searching; which is probably one of the reasons it is so good.
Very interesting and true. I am a bit of perfectionist with things and my current projects are always all consuming. Thankfully I do try to reign it in and I have mellowed with age.. a little!
Excellent hub with some great practical suggestions for finding contentment the right way :)
"I find comfort in the perfection of my imperfections". What a great line! Acceptance of oneself is the key to success. Knowing that we have a certain amount of control over our lives, but not obsessing about it is the instrument to achieving our goals.
Great hub and I love the tone of this one, Bill! Have a great day!
I think all of us have obsessive compulsive disorder to some degree. Hell, I know I do when it comes to organizing my room! Great Hub, bill!!
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Carol, I suspect there are quite a few of those days still ahead of me....but at least I recognize them for what they are so I can adjust.
Thank you my friend and have a great Monday.
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Thanks MIchelle....living to my own standards can be exhausting. LOL
I know what you are saying and I thank you.
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Anna, I was taught a long time ago that I am only as sick as the number of secrets I carry....truthfulness for me is therapy, so thank you for recognizing it in my writing.
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Thanks Sha! There are days when if I can write one great line I am happy with an article...you found the line I was happiest with. Great eye my dear friend and thank you.
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Keith my friend, great to have you back among us....I hope you are well and sane, and I look forward to seeing some writing from you soon. Thanks buddy.
This is interesting. At least you know what your "problem" has been/is and you know yourself. I'm not sure I know what's wrong with me, LOL, but I have the same problem as Carol. I can't seem to concentrate on doing only one thing. Great hub, and I like the video too!
This is so relatable to me, Bill. In grade school I was preoccupied with having the highest general average...I went back and forth with my nemesis, " Phillip" (LOL).......year after year...
Today, many moons later, I am really content to compete with ME, to challenge myself and as you said, be the best I can be...now with that, I have a fighting chance...
LOVE your philosophy and you, Maria
So interesting Bill and yes I could relate to this a bit. I used to feel like I wasn't truly good enough when I was younger and I think now I can finally say I am much more comfortable in my own skin. Don't get me wrong, I still have a moment here or there, but I am definitely more level headed and grounded for sure. So, yes I can totally relate and thank you for sharing a bit more about yourself here with us. Have voted up and shared all over as always!!
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Made, you and Bev would get along great....she is scattered and can't seem to finish anything she starts because she starts twenty different things.....LOL....anyway, I understand and hey, I'm excited to have you here...I hope you are well and enjoying that summer weather you deserve.
bill
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Thanks Maria! I suspected quite a few writers could relate to this hub.....isn't it wonderful being content with ourselves?
Blessings and love coming your way
bill
I agree with bravewarrior, "today I find comfort in the perfection of my imperfections." That has to be one of the best lines ever. Learning to be who we are and dealing with it is certainly a lifelong journey. We all have a touch of the compulsive, but being "me" is most important.
As always Bill, interesting and educational.
Voted up, useful, awesome, and interesting.
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Janine, I'm an open book, and if my sharing helps someone else then fantastic.
Thanks for a great comment and have a wonderful weekend my friend.
Wonderful, When we become more well than ill, we can help others. Thank you.
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Mary, you just said a mouthful...."being me is most important." I think of that when I see young kids searching for their identity when all along it is right inside of them waiting to come out. :) Thanks my friend.
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Indeed, Eric....I think I'm finally there. :)
I would have guessed this about you billy, but then your friends think you are best at everything you do, too! lol
Bill, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one starting twenty different things and not even finish half of them... The weather has been amazing! I have enjoyed every day. It was 85 degrees today, but now we have heavy rain and a thunderstorm. It feels very cosy to be inside, read hubs, try to get back to some writing, read a good book, clean the house, wash clothes and cook dinner ... I'm doing all these things right now. LOL!
Just three things, Bill, and I'll be on my obsessive-compulsive way...
WOW!
I can replace your name with mine, and this hub would be autobiographical.
WOW!
I can replace the young man pitching a ball against the side of a wall with a young man running five to ten miles a day, and this hub would have my photo and byline to the right of the title.
WOW!
I can replace your constant and daily struggle of keeping the ghosts at bay, at wanting perfection yet knowing how irrational that is, and at knowing that competition can be healthy if it is balanced with the awareness that it is with self, not with others, and--even then--done with compassion, not with self-loathing...and the story would be mine.
Every once in a while, I come away from having read something with this magnificent obsession: "Wow! I wish I had written that!"
This was one of those moments.
Thank you, and congratulations, my friend! It's a darn good thing HP fixed the SHARE mechanism! I was able to contribute to H.O.W. this morning by utilizing it.
Aloha!
Joe
Bill I've learned that there are so very many things we can "be" .....the labels are now endless. I'm just shooting for happy:))
I know how it feels to chase and to want...sometimes I'm lucky enough to obtain the object of my desire but there's always another thing around the corner that I'll be wanting next:)
Great reflections here, Bill.
I understand perfectly the addicts' behavior and personality, after close family members suffered with the disease of addiction.
In the case of my son, who can look back now, as can we, and be thankful for such trials in this life, as he would not be who is he this day, helping so many, if it were not for those very trials.
Love yourself then love others!
Peace and blessings, Faith Reaper
"Now that I'm older, I thought it was great that I seem to have more patience."
"Turns out that I just don't give a shit." ~ Anonymous ~
Great Hub, Bill.
DJ.
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Awww, thank you Jackie! I wish I did. LOL
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Oh Made, I'm exhausted reading about what you are doing. LOL Take a deep breath and enjoy your day my dear.
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Kelly, I think the only solution for me is to stop looking around corners. LOL I love that you are shooting for happy...great goal my friend.
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DJ.....great line! I think I'm there, or closer than I ever have been. :) Thank you my friend.
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Faith, I know you understand this for sure...and what a miracle that son of yours is. Thank you for sharing his story with us...it is a great story of hope and love.
blessings always
bill
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Joe my friend, I suspect that you and I are much more similar than we are dissimilar....that's just one reason why I would love to meet you one day. It will be like looking in a psychological mirror. LOL
Thank you so much for your emails this weekend. They were a great help my friend and I will follow your advice.
Life is good today, Joe. The demons are back in the shadows and I see mostly sunlight today....and it will continue to be so as long as I pay attention to the business of living.
Aloha to you my friend, and thank you for a great comment.
bill
Gotta let go of attachment to outcomes. I tell myself that many times each day. Easier said than done, though, that's for sure.
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Lizzy, what would life be without personal struggles. :) Thanks for always being here my dear.
This is almost like looking in the mirror....
Mark
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Yes, Mark, I had the feeling you might relate to it. :) Welcome to our world, right?
Thanks my friend. I think about you often and hope you are well.
Billy, I have to admit that I am a little on the OCD side myself. . .okay more than a little! But if I weren't, I would not be ME. It's what I seem to do best--keep reaching for perfection. What on earth would happen if we actually attained that goal? Where would we go from there? To keep trying is what matters ;) Pearl
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Pearl, I agree totally and by the way, your hub today is pure genius! :) Thank you my friend.
bill
It is truly a pleasure knowing you Bill. I am so impressed and proud of you for how far you have come. To read your writing and the openness to which you are able to talk about your past is what makes you such a special person. Self acceptance is a wonderful gift that we can give ourselves. You stand as a wonderful example to all who hope to do this. There is so much to learn from you , Bill. you are still the teacher.
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Toknow, what a sweet thing to read as my Monday draws to an end. Thank you so much. We have much to learn from each other. I have always tried to come away from any meeting having learned something and trust me, you have taught me much about kindness, values and compassion. Thank you!
OK, I'm not as bad as the guy in the video, just close enough to identify with what he's going through. And, I can identify 100% with your story. My mom once said to me, "All that hard work and you're at the same place you started." Then, she asked me why I felt the need to be the best at everything. At the time, I didn't have an answer. If she asks me again, I'll just send her a link to your hub. Then, she'll understand. Like you, I have to work to tone down my obsessions. There did finally come a point in life when I realized that I was the best me the world was ever going to get and since it's good enough for me, it's good enough. I really enjoyed reading your hub today as always.
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Marlene, it's nice to know there are others like me. LOL Seriously, it gets exhausting trying to be the best at everything. I'm sure glad I've toned it down a bit. :) Thank you my friend and say hi to your mother for me. :)
A very open and honest hub Bill, something your readers have come to expect, and one of the many reason you have so many readers. I, and I am sure many others, respect you for the way you face your demons, and share the battle with the community here:-))
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Valley, I learned long ago that I am only as sick as the number of secrets I keep.....it helps to have rebuilt my self-esteem so that it makes little difference to me now if someone wants to judge me negatively. Thank you so much for your kind words my friend.
Bill - when it comes to the writing of your explicit, heartfelt hubs, you are the living example of the US Army's motto - 'Be the best you can be.' Amen to that.
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Awww, drbj, now you're just trying to make me feel good. :) Thank you my dear.
Hi Bill. I can relate to this. I do have an obsessive nature about some things. It's not with everything but there are certain things I can be very obsessive about. Sometimes this can be a blessing, other times a curse. As you mentioned finding balance is the key.
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Hey Bill....blessing and curse....no doubt my friend...no doubt. :)
Thanks as always for the visit. You are appreciated.
I think i was born with a OCD...I still battle with it. I always feel that anything i write could be better, my cooking could be better and i am obsessive about my home being spotlessly clean,etc..I am working on these issues, now i want to ask you a question that is off topic. Have you ever thought of teaching an online creative writing course? I am certain people would rather pay a fee to you than some far away site. I know i could learn from you and i do want to learn creative writing. Think about it..Cheers.
I completely relate. I have ranged from mild to pretty intense OCD. I can easily shut out the world to pursue an endeavor at the expense of all other activities until exhaustion makes me stop...temporarily. I've learned to value what's really important but those "shadows" are there, and sometimes it feels like everything else is just in the way of my current goal.
I really identified and appreciate your sharing this. Thanks. :-) Lurana
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Thank you Lurana! It helps to get the perspective of others who battle this. I appreciate you sharing your own experience, strength and hope.
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Honestly, Ruby, it has never crossed my mind to teach an online course. I don't even know how one goes about setting that up, but you have planted a seed. I will do some research on that subject. I appreciate you my friend. Thank you!
Thank you for this. I am a highly compulsive/obsessive person. This worked in my favor in my job and for the mason. Then I had Arlene to keep me on earth. Now I have this handicap.
Good hub, Bill. I enjoy reading about psychology.
I'm sorry, perhaps I missed something, but I don't understand why it's a bad thing to strive to be the best. I mean is it a bad thing to have high standards?
There is a difference between being driven or determined, and obsession to the point of self destruction. It's good to set goals for ourselves, but the goals has to be realistic. Many people set themselves up to fail by trying to achieve the unachievable. Having said that; we never would have landed on the moon if we didn't dream. We need to explore our limits and then go beyond it, but not at all cost. Billy another interesting and thought-provoking piece.
Excellent as always.
Hello Bill,
This was a most insightful article to read. I don't know if I would want this kind of *label* attached to me. I know I will expand on some of my ideas and see how I can build on the first idea I may be inspired to receive. I think that because of the life I have lived for these years, with the lack of resources to help get out of the poverty. I always strive to do better, be better. I don't see anything wrong with a persistence to accomplish all I wish to achieve. Sometimes, I fill my plate to the max, yes. The reason is for making up for lost time. I am trying to out run the clock and the hours of when I couldn't or didn't know which direction to go, or allowed my *fear* stop me from reaching the goal. I realised that I needed a *happy medium*, for what I aspire to do. We hear society tell us to settle for *medicore* or bottom of the barrel kind of life. Where is the encouragement to "go after one's dreams"?
Use what talents we do have, build on them, refine them and adjust accordinly. I believe you to be a man of vision and an excellent writer, named Bill Holland. "Accept the things you can't change, and defy the odds of the things you can".
Voted this Up +++ Shared & tweeted. :)
This is a very interesting hub, Bill. It's started me thinking about my own life, which is always a sign of a good article! Thank you for sharing the information.
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Martin, I agree....with a job this can be an asset. Thank you for that comment.
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Not at all, Phoenix, but it is a bit abnormal to be obsessed with it at the expense of all else, and that's the line I am constantly straddling. :) Thanks for the question.
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Jo, that's the distinction I am learning....not at all cost. :) The good news is that I am learning. Thank you my friend and have a wonderful Tuesday.
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Jo, thank you....the last line is great...defy the odds of things you can.....yes indeed my friend. Spread those wings and fly, despite the outcome, or you will never know if you even can fly.
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Thank you Alicia. If this article did that they I am satisfied.
May God bless you my friend and we will get through this life in one piece and sail with flying colors. whonu
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whonu, sail with flying colors....you bet we will. :) Thanks buddy and bless you always.
This is a very interesting hub for me at this time. I do not really treat myself well enough, considering my health history, and the fact I have been told to slow down. Finding balance is something I am working on and your hub really makes me take a look at my priorities once more. Very well-written hub. Up & awesome
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Pamela, I think we all need this reminder. I consider myself fairly intelligent but it's amazing how fast I forget valuable lessons. :) Thank you for stopping by my friend.
There is something about each individual which is obsessiveness, like I like keeping my home clean all the time so work doesn't get too much, my own life has a few things to look a ta s well.
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DDE, I agree, there is an obsessiveness in most of us. Finding balance is the key to serenity.
Billy, This Hub really touches home with me. I am definitely an obsessive person who leans a little heavy on alcohol.. I usually end with me giving up, because I fear that I am going to fail. That is why I keep plugging on with my book, so that I can finish something in my life. Thank you for this well written article, I am gong to try to adopt your wonderful outlook!
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Lisa, thank you for sharing that personal account. I am in your corner 100% my friend. I want you to finish that book....so let's get with it.
If I can ever be of any help just let me know, okay? Okay!
O Hi Billy
I am the new definition of OCD...am much better than I used to be (if I told you the crazy stuff I do you may things I am looney tunes hee hee)...but as I said I am better..that's a start.You really got it right when you said balance.... that really is the way to handle our issues after all.
Thank you for sharing...I miss visiting but am moooooovvvviiinnnggg and can hardly FIND my laptop...
Angels are wining their way to you with a hug and all. ps
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LOL....PS, great comment. Balance my friend....when we find it, it is heaven...but only for a fleeting moment. :)
Thank you as always. Big hug and blessings heading your way
bill
As we've learned, the constant pursuit of overachievement is antithetical to serenity. When all we've known for decades is hyperactive or crashed, the idea of balance in any area of life seems foreign. No expectations -- so hard! Taming the obsession takes work, but is much saner -- and safer, too.
Very nice description of an all too familiar behavior.
Alcoholic OCD, not necessarily DSM-V OCD diagnosis!
MM
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MM, so nice to see you. Thanks for your perspective....life is much better today than it once was. Who would have ever guessed that I held the key to freedom? :)
Certainly not I. What a revelation, with many, many more
occurring with each passing sober day!
MM
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MM, you got that right my friend. Life is good and will remain so as long as I allow it to be so. :)
None of us is perfect, but the beauty of it, is that our friends accept us for who are what we are. In my eyes, you are a fine person, but do turn the switch off once in a while so you can enjoy yourself and recharge.
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Shoot, Deb, as soon as I find that switch I'll use it. LOL Thank you always.
I have a little bit of this in me, but definitely nothing extreme. It is interesting to read more about being obsessive since I'm only familiar with it through extremes shown on tv. Of course, for me, the discard pile in a game of Uno has to be straight and tidy or it drives me crazy, but I can see where this could become a problem for people.
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Glimmer, you had me laughing with that one. I straighten up the card pile when we are playing cribbage, like it really makes some kind of difference. LOL Thank you for adding a touch of humor to my morning.
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