The Mid Life Roller Coaster

I am 46. There, I said it. To tell the truth, I never thought that saying my age would bother me. It kind of does now. Maybe because lately I officially "feel" it. This day is a little better than yesterday. My husband and I took our youngest daughter to her college orientation, three hours, 26 minutes or 148.59 miles away from home but who's counting? Our little Bohemian Freshman was worried we, okay, "I" would be late. To calm any anxiety I was up bright and early and ready to go while running on about four hours of sleep as usual.

Hundreds of other students and parents were there with sleepy faces as we were the first group checking in at 7:30 am. The campus and crowd felt overwhelming to me for some reason. By the time the fifth speaker in the “parents only” lecture came out: I was falling asleep, irritated at my husband for a stupid reason and cold because the air was cranked (most likely for all of the women over 45 in the room.) I went outside to the refreshment table to have a cookie and lemonade and wake up but after one cookie, this distressed chubby bunny found herself staring at the trays of cookies wanting more. To safeguard myself I went outside with a bevy of other Moms who could no longer take the cold or the length of sitting time. Most of them were talkative and kind, others were on phones with grandma going over more things they needed to do to prepare their child for dorm life. "We need to get her hangers," a well-dressed, attractive blond Mom said into her cell.

This is when I KNEW I may be in trouble. I started to feel little teary about my daughter but sucked it up. I am a friendly, fairly easy going person but I wanted no part of this family fest, this school that was like a resort full of happy, Stepford students and parents. I returned to being irritated with my husband when he came out. He in turn grew impatient and said something back to me. The tears started coming and would not stop. I am an ugly crier. Here we are getting on a bus to meet our child for a lovely lunch on campus and I am angry, emotional, red and puffy with teardrops streaming down behind my discount Betsey Johnson sunglasses I am so fond of.

One look at me and my daughter says "Oh Mom, what am I going to do with you?" I sit outside on some steps while they eat and my husband tells my daughter, “She just got weepy on me”. I pray no one asks if I am okay but then get upset because no one asks if I'm okay. I text my husband I am embarrassed. They walk me to the car and ask if I would like to stop and look at the baseball field. Really? Do I look like I want to see a baseball field? I snap back no and that I just want to get the car. When my daughter jokingly says I am no fun, I start to ugly cry again.

I did manage to pull myself together after about 45 minutes in the car, eating a muffin from the hotel and reapplying my make- up. I don't tend to carry my make up with me everywhere I go (perhaps I should at this point) but because we had spent the night, I got lucky. I reminded myself this is not about me and how great it was that my husband was there to continue with my daughter until I could catch my breath and that perhaps divorce is a little extreme after 27 years of marriage just because I am an emotional train wreck.

As usual Dad and Daughter duo divide and conquer in accomplishing all the necessities, housing, finance, books. They both greet me with smiles at the fancy hall with what is probably the 16th picture of the founding president of the University smiling down at us.

Today at dinner my daughter rolls her eyes as she and I go back over the story. "Great, you guys were "THAT" couple she says, "How embarrassing!"

Today I am awash with feeling of self- loathing in the morning, irritation in the afternoon, followed with by an overwhelming feeling of how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family that loves me. Loneliness in the evening because my daughter is out with friends and my husband has work away from home for a few days. Earlier I was glad I had the house to myself!

If only there was some kind of weather person for these type of days. "Today in the emotions department, you can expect a sunny disposition followed by rainy tears of regret about failures as a parent and your career choices." "In the evening the tears will become nostalgic as you watch a sappy show on the Disney Channel!" "Thank you for tuning into the Middle Age Weather Channel and don't forget to take your vitamins!" "This program has been sponsored by the Estrogen patch and Viagra!"