Mixed Episodes-Bipolar Disorder
Mixed Manic Episode
Fantastic Kiss The Sky Twirls 7 Times Bash My Head With An Arrow Between The Eyes Days are not a fun ride. These observations are from inside my very own head as I struggle to remain sane with an illness that often takes over when I least expect it. The hub doesn't necessarily reflect how I am doing presently. It takes a view into what a bad day can be like for someone with bipolar disorder. Thinking is distorted and often bizarre at times. Oftentimes your head is thinking something completely different than your heart.
Warning: Some lanuage may not be suitable for all readers.
Okay that sub title is a tad overly dramatic, or perhaps not really. Who freaking cares. I am in a CRADLE of rotten filth sunny side up kind of mood. Even I cannot put my finger on it. So why the hell bother? Oh the last week has been joyful loads of jello. Yesterday tipping into what is becoming a very menacing mixed manic I need to slay every little voice that chatters one word episode. Today is wicked, very very unpleasant.
To make matters worse one thing after another has been sucking the life out of me. I want to kill the first person who says one single word to me. That is wretched, because what if it is my mother or my innocent niece or nephews. Or the 90 year old neighbor lady? I do not want to go all Lizzy Borden on these perfectly lovely people, but my boiling point is right there baby!
It makes sense to me
I could just slap the shirts off of them and rattle off inane garbage that makes no sense to them but somehow to me it makes all the sense in the world. Amusing little teenager niece told me to just shut up as I was telling her some ridiculous story about learning how to surf. I asked why, she said because you talk so fast it doesn't make sense, so, "whatever" she says. Bugger off then, I will keep my surfing abilities to myself snot rag! I love her more than life I must say. Then my main computer died.
I tore my whole frigging apartment apart out of frustration. Then I get even more raging mad when someone TRIES to tell ME how to fix the obsolete thing. I know how to fix it, I just do not have the electronic tools to do it. Leave me alone is all I think to myself, go back home before I hurt your feelings.
I cannot stand this. I imagined all the little toys I bought for my photography projects would make me feel less agitated with the world and myself. All cheery and yummy inside. Ha! For one minute I was kissing myself all over. I need more stuff to make the stuff I bought to work the way I WANT it to work. The heck with it.
I am going off two medications today. Topamax and Celexa - Who cares anymore. This is just absurd. I cannot take anything for my OCD because it makes me like THIS, a irritated raging terminator wanna be God walking on water saving the world from perverted freaks who are mean to animals. Yeah! You see? That is MY priority.
I am sane. Honest to whoever said so. I start 900mgs Lithium today. And MORE ativan for the OCD - This is glorious. I am chicken-livered. I took it a few years back. I lost like a zillion pounds. I was anorexic. But it seriously worked like a mad man having his way with a chainsaw. So my pitiful self is gleefully enthusiastically and harrowed. Aren't I just one big absurdity of mixed sane feverishness?
It's not always like this
I will probably be feeling like a pig slop for whom knows how long, so I will be ducking the Internet and ignoring all my inter voices until an compulsion prompts me otherwise. Then the High School two hang around, I suspect they were paid to babysit and keep an eye on sharp objects, believe me they will be glad to go home when I get done with them.
They can only escape to the shower SO many times a day. The boys are absolute immaculately clean. Now they just need to disinfect up their truck driving outhouse pie holes. The music's even good dude! Celebrate your day my comrades who I follow everyday. I am going to take my Lithium and see what I can do about doing some bungee jumping. Love to you.
And this is a mixed manic depressive episode, also called Bipolar 1 Disorder. And that was the day that was. Not everyday represents this experience. I have perfectly normal days that I cherish, moods that don't dictate my life. This was just one of those bad days. And my realization is to continue to take my medications , strive for more stability, exercise, sleep well and eat a balanced diet to maintain some form of sanity.
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