The Young Widow - Anxiety

I feel a little shaky
I can't control my nerves....

Anxiety has got me on the run
Anxiety because I need someone

Anxiety can't get nothing done
Anxiety spoils all the fun

Anxiety is a natural part of grief. It is not partial to who you lost. I thought that the worst of it was over, but apparently I was wrong. I had not felt this in a long while, not like this anyway. It keeps you up all night. Chest tightens. Before I knew why it had come. Last night made no sense to me and it is still here all this morning without a clear reason.

The thing with anxiety is that until it leaves you, you really can't get anything done. I no longer want to surrender anymore time to this. Thus begins the vicious cycle, ha ha ha! I am now anxious to get rid of my anxiety. What is that?
There are pills for this and so many people want to volunteer you for these when you are grieving. I don't like pills. I prefer to handle things at their source. I didn't want to take pills to dull the pain and live my life in a fog only to wake up to the truth later. I may have been able to get more done but how important are all of the things that fill our day anyway? I did what I needed to do: feed the family, clean clothes for us, etc. So what if it took me 6 months to start tackling the chores and obligations?

There are other ways to get rid of anxiety. Today, I could use a very vigorous work out. Writing is a great therapy for me. You can tell when I am writing away my anxiety because the writing is more like fluid thought verses organized, planned works. You get a true picture of my mind at the moment. Anxiety feels like a fat man sitting on your chest. For me, I can't sit still. I type standing or sit and do that weird crossed leg kick thing. It makes you want to grab your head to keep it still. It feels like thoughts are bouncing off the walls of your skull but for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I don't know what the thoughts are. It is funny to me and pretty annoying. So, where did this come from? Last night I went to a widow's group. I was the youngest woman there. We are talking about at least a 30 year difference here. I, of coarse, stood out. The woman looked at me with such sadness. I don't like to be pitied. It is not my style. We all lost our husband's, I don't deserve to stand out. I sat and listened to their stories. They all were prepared to lose their husband's. They were not all given tons of time, but they were able to know that it was coming. I didn't choose to share my husband's story simply because it would bring more attention to me. I was never attention starved. Being the way I am, not so open or talkative about deep seeded emotions and such, leaves some feeling alone at times. There is concern for me feeling lonely. I am not lonely. I have had 2 love stories in my life and that is plenty. My problem is that I made them my confidants, my best friends. They were the ones that can get me talking freely and comfortably. One retired years ago and the other is now completely gone. In a sense, I feel alone. Naturally. I am not bottled up or suffering over it though so no need to worry. I am peaceful, not today but that is an oddity. This was prevalent in my first 2 months. Afterwards, I only felt it when angered (which by the way has also ceased).

I love spending time with older people. I really did enjoy it but after, I don't know what happened. I can't figure out why I am anxious. I am still trying to find the source. I didn't have many expectations of the group. I knew that I would be one of the youngest. I don't think it was that because I knew it could happen. I didn't expect to feel like I belonged there. I am not sure that being right didn't affect me or maybe its just a culmination of everything. Maybe it is all the small things piling up. Maybe it is a whole lot of little nothings coming together for one day only. Maybe this was just the excuse my body needed to puke out things I didn't know it was harboring.
Anyway, I am a very controlled person but I can see where people do weird things under anxiety like shave their hair off or something. I can see why they would ransack their homes. I am sure my home could use a good ransacking but I am already overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that I have to do that I am not doing. I don't need to loose the adrenaline of anxiety in the midst of ransacking and end up left with a disaster. The group thing was to talk and share time together with other. These women are going thru something completely different and I worry for them. They have grown children and have been left completely alone. I want to continue going just to be a comfort to them. I want to be there to break there quietness. I just don't know if it will work for me, personally. I am not a talker. I am a writer. I get more healing out of this writing out there alone in the wilderness, even if it is not read than of talking.
I am very grateful to have so much in my life. I always knew this, but hearing the women speak about not having the drive to do things for themselves reminded me that my daughter, my mother, the 3 good doggies, and the 2 monster doggies give me plenty to keep me busy. While sometimes I want to escape for a day, they are a huge blessing that I can't be thankful enough for. They are helping me more than they know. Just last night, I was able to finally get to sleep because my daughter, who has taken a liking to sleeping with me know, put her hand on my heart in her sleep. It was as if she made it be still. Of coarse, after thankful tears, I was out cold.

If you know someone who is grieving and lets you know that they are feeling anxiety, before you pull out the bottle of pills, here are somethings that you can try...

- Take them to the gym
- A zumba class
- or something that involves punching (boxing and such)
- Maybe go for a run. (I am going to do that in a minute)
- Get them out in nature (A nature walk)

Do not give them caffeine!!! Try not to feed the flames. Go with the flow and don't push too hard. I know that anxiety is like a gateway for some people. It really worries people to see their friends and loved ones anxious. Try not to project your fear that they may be 'slipping' into something worse. It can become a self fulfilling prophecy. For those who read this who know me (especially Mom, I love you!) I am okay. Anxiety is a part of everyone's life. Taxes, homes stuff, chores, etc. Now that this writing is ending, I am sure it is the culmination of the little nothings that had their day of fun in my head. The circumstances merit this. This will pass soon and I will be fine. I can feel it dying out. A little run, scratch that idea, I can't get my sneakers on today thanks to Mincha (one of the monsters). She decided my toe was a toy and drew blood. I will have to walk in flip-flops.

At least I got to put on a hello kitty band-aid. Sigh... :)