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Updated on August 4, 2017


You can feel so alone some days
You can feel so alone some days

I Am Always Depressed

The day I saw my doctor for the usual problems that I always had, I just happened to mention to him that I had been feeling very low because I was always at home because I was not working now because of my disease, "Multiple System Atrophy". He said , "are you feeling anything else, do you have any other symptoms relating to this", I told him that I did. As I didn't have too much time left out of this visit to see him, he suggested that I make an appointment to come back to see him the next day because he said we need to discuss these feeling I was having a lot more and explore where they were coming from. I told him that I would do that and I made the appointment before I left. On the way home in the taxi, I started to think about what I was going to say to him and how I would start. I thought to myself, "how do you tell your Doctor that you feel like "you want to kill yourself sometimes because you just can't face the thought of what will happen when the disease you have becomes a lot more severe and your life is a lot more unbearable than it is now. I new I had to tell him everything that was coming into my head every minute of the day. So when I got home, I made a list of all the things that had been occurring and all the feeling I was having so that I would be sure not to miss anything out.


I started to put my list together and wrote down all the things that I had been feeling so that there would be no way of missing out anything. I started with the most obvious one, at least it was to me and this was feeling as though there was nothing left for me in this life because all I had left was a day full of severe pain followed by feeling like I could do nothing right. In fact, lately everything I tried to do had either blown up in my face or it just went completely different to how I had planned. I kept telling myself " can't you ever get anything you do to turn out right, I guess not". I was feeling so tired because I spent so many nights up either watching the movies on Foxtel or playing some games on the computer. I was having so much pain with my shoulders and of course my neck, which I was told should have been on the shoulders of a woman that was thirty years older than I was. Imagine, here I am at fifty-three and my neck has jumped ahead thirty years. Boy, if that doesn't depress you nothing would. I still remember when my pain specialist said "Pam, your neck belongs on a woman with at least thirty years more than you",. I looked at him and asked him to repeat what he just said. I felt like I had just been given the worst news in the world. How could this happen I asked him. I guess I just got lucky, I joked, but then the tears welled up in my eyes and they began to sting and the tears ran down my face so fast, I felt like I wanted to get up and run out of that room so fast and never look back. But that would have been impossible because I was in my wheelchair and my legs have trouble moving these days, so there is no hope of them ever running again.

I finished my list and psyched myself up for my appointment with my GP. I thought to myself, I can do this, I will just come right out and tell him everything. I will be fine, I will tell him all the things I have written down and then we will discuss them and then I will come home.

That night I wasn't feeling very well and my appetite as usual wasn't the best. I felt very bad because Richard, my husband had gone to a lot of trouble to make something special. Ever since I have been sick, he has had to take over doing most of the cooking. I have found this one of the hardest things to endure, as I did all the cooking up until now and it was very difficult each night watching Richard put the meals together. It proved one thing though, he was taking a lot of notice when I was cooking because he turned out pretty good in the kitchen.I still do the occasional things like peeling the vegetables, and sometimes even preparing the meals. I like to feel there is still a place for me in the kitchen. Although, Richard says that"it is like having three people in the kitchen when I am in there with my walker. I feel very hurt by this remark because I like to think of the kitchen as my domain. I suppose I should be grateful because a lot of husbands wouldn't do a lot of the things that Richard does. In fact, people say to me sometimes, "you are so lucky to have Richard" Well, I say, I am not lucky but blessed.


Anyway, to get back to my visit to the GP. I arrived at the surgery with the most sweaty hands that I think I have ever had and I could feel my heart racing. I was so knotted up inside, I felt like I was going to throw up. I new one of the receptionists better than the other two so I decided to confiide in her and told her that I was going to talk to my GP about my feelings of depression, etc. She advised me to just take a deep breath and start at the beginning and tell him all the things that have been bothering me, even the ones that are embarrassing. Wow, I said even the one about not having any " libido", she said even that one.He needs to know everything so that he can advise you on what to do. She said he will probably send me to see a Psychiatrist for some counselling and to get some treatment.

When it came my turn to go in, I grabbed a handful of tissues so that I could give my hands one last wipe to clear some of the sweat that had begun to cover my hands again. Richard had left me there to go and do some shopping at Coles, so the receptionist wheeled me into the room to wait for my GP. I didn't have to wait too long before he arrived. He was in a good mood and asked me how I was feeling. I said that I needed to tell him a few things. He said "I guessed that, shall we begin." All of a sudden, my mind went into complete blankness and I forgot what I was there for. Then I remembered my list, thank God I did that. I would have been lost if I hadn't written that out. As I went through my bag, I pulled out a bunch of old tissues, plus some gum, which had obviously been there a bit longer than would have been desirable, plus an old bandaid that had't been opened but wasn't in good condition either. Where was my list, I thought. Just when I was beginning to think I had left it at home, I found it scrunched up in the corner. As I pulled it out of my bag, I looked up and to my surprise, my GP was looking back at me in a very weird way. He said "everything alright, is it?" Yes, I told him. I just needed to find the list I had written out to remind me what I had to say to you. What a relief I thought,.

I started to tell him about feeling like there was nothing left in this world for me except staying at home and brooding every day, and the visits to all the Specialists that I have to see with regard to all my ailments, most of which are related to the "Multiple System Atrophy. I told him that I was finding it more and more difficult to even get out of bed in the mornings and found myself staying in later and later each day. When I finally do get up, I have a cup of coffee, and then I usually find a place on one of the chairs in the lounge room and sit there and contemplate what I am going to do to fill in my days. I said I am always feeling anxious and everything is going wrong in my life. I feel like I am the most useless person on the earth and that I would be better off dead. I told him that I can't concentrate on anything for any length of time , my mind is constantly wondering from one thing to another all the time. I have trouble remembering the smallest of things, even things that I have only just heard just go right out of my head as soon asI hear them. It is embarrassing when someone tells me their name, and then I have to ask them a few more times during the conversation with them, what their name is again. Then he looked at me and said "what about intimacy, how is that side of things". Oh boy I thought, here it is, the subject that up until now, I had avoided and now he had got in first. I cleared my throat, which by this time had become very dry and parched. I grabbed a tissue from the box nearby on his desk, which incidentally as it turned out, I had been draining since I first arrived in his surgery, blew my nose and remembering the advice I had been given earlier, took a deep breath.

He asked me again, but in a different way this time. He said "how is your sex life". Somehow, hearing him put the question in this text, made me feel a bit more uncomfortable than previously and I had to really hold it together, even though I was screaming out inside and wanted to leave there as fast as my little legs could go.

He said "I know this is a difficult subject for woman to talk about and you feel very threatened and uncomfortable, but it is important for you to talk about this if it is a problem . I told him that I could not remember the last time that my husband and I had been intimate because it was so long ago. He told me that it is not unusual to have problems with your libido, even lose it all together when you are feeling depressed.I said that I couldn't even have orgasms anymore and that made me feel less and less like a woman, not to mention the fact that I couldn't act as a real wife, because there just wasn't any feelings there of wanting to make love to my husband . I felt guilty because I couldn't perform like a wife in the real way and that it wasn't fair to my husband. I guess when we said in our vows "for better or worse", I have really given my husband a big dose of the "worse" part.


He said from what I had told him what was coming through loud and clear to him was that I was suffering from clinical depression and that he was going to refer me to see a Psychistrist. He said that depression wasn't an illness that just affected your mind but it also affects your body too. All the things that I had told him that I had been feeling were in fact, symptoms of depression and that it was important to talk about them to a Psychiatrist, because he is trained to treat someone with depression and to give treatment where it is necessary.`So I told him that I would go and see a Psychiatrist and talk about the things that were troubling me.

It was a relief to finally get the things out and tell someone about those dreadful feeling that had been plagueing me for so long. I suppose I knew in the back of my mind that my GP would say that I was suffering from depression. However, I needed him to tell me that I needed to see someone and discuss these with them.

I have since read that depression is considered to be the number one cause of disabilities in the world. It is thought that most people will experience depression of some kind at some point in their lives and depending on the severity of their symptoms, will probably need treatment in some form of medication. It is important to always tell your Doctor if you have any symptoms like the ones that I have talked about because there is all kinds of treatments now. You may think that something you are feeling is insignificant but you should always tell your physician everything because they all matter, even the ones that you feel are insignificant,never hold back,


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    • BEAUTYBABE profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA.


      You are so right. Admitting that you depressed is half the battle. It can take a while sometimes before you realise that you are the victim of depression. You feel that you might appear weak in another person's eyes if you were to say you are depressed.

      We feel sometimes embarrassed to say "I feel depressed". It is different if you are sick with depression to the point of feeling like you can't go on with your life and you want to put an end to it.

      With regard to seeking treatment, it is also important not just to say to your doctor that you are feeling depressed so that the proper treatment can be given to you. Not everyone needs to seek the services of a Psychiatrist, sometimes just talking things over with a counsellor at the beginning is enough. If however, there are signs that a person is clinically depressed like I am,medication is necessary to get you back on track.

      Too often these days, some doctors will give their patients antidepressants just because they ask for them without first assessing them, which is not the right way to go about it.

      Thank you again for reading my hub. I was curious if you are in this position at the moment, hence your interest in my hub? If so, I hope you are being cared for in the appropriate manner, if not, then I wish you well and hope you will get treatment if you ever are.

      Take care and God Bless,


    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Wow kudos to you for owning up. Admitting that you are depressed is half the battle. Seeking treatment means that you accept you are depressed. You still have a long way to go but you can do it.

    • skye2day profile image


      8 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      I pray the master physician Jesus Christ has touched you and you are doing much better. He does work through some amazing Doctors. Christ has healed me and I am so grateful. He lifted a terminal illness from my body many years ago. I am free. I just got on my knees and pleaded. He was quick to answer. That day the healing began and I have never looked back over 20 years. I was going to die. I am alive and well. Jesus is the way truth and life. Many Blessings Beauty Babe.

      I read you were getting published It was an old post like 12 months but congrats. Way to go Love n hugs. I joined your club and look forward to reading a published author. My dream.

    • Eiddwen profile image


      9 years ago from Wales

      Thanks for sharing your thought and I sincerely hope this helps. Take care and God Bless.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Thanks for sharing your story. I too understand what it is like to suffer from clinical depression

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Hi Myawn,

      I d appreciate your comments. I do hope it is nothing too serious, and if it is that there is a way treating it. There is nothing worse than having something that they can't cure yet. It is hard though to live with pain, I am sending all my empathy to you and prayers as well.

      Please let me know how you go, I would be more than happy to hear from you. It is important also, no to give up on yourself with this.

      Even if you don't get answers straight away, that is not a bad thing always. Sometimes, it can take a few tests before it can shed any light on the subject of what is going on in your body.

      Please also accept my apology for not answering you sooner, as I have recently been in hospital myself, and been off Hubpages as a result of this.

      God bless and take care, and don't hesitate to e mail me if you need to chat. Beautybabe x

    • myawn profile image


      9 years ago from Florida

      very good hub about your feelings. I too have a lot of pain daily. I am getting testing done. I have a pacemaker because I had a heart attack 5 yrs ago, I have been hurting ever since and depressed. But I have to go on nd writing helps alot.Thank you for sharing.

    • BEAUTYBABE profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA.

      I like your sense of humour Shades. Welcome to Hubpages. I am curious though, how did you come up with the name"ShadestoShoes" I think it is really cute. I'm touched that you have commented on two of my hubs, you have been here such a short time. I am sure you will do well, you have the right disposition, I can tell already. Keep it up all the best I would be honoured to be your follower. I read your hub on hair removal. Very good read. BB

    • ShadestoShoes profile image


      9 years ago

      What a honest and moving hub! I am inspired by your words and I have to correct you on something, You may tell yourself you can't do anything right but by displaying your feelings and experience with us, you are touching lives! I see big things happening for you based on this hub!

      ooo and the next time hubby makes a remark about how it feels like 3 are in the kitchen tell him," ooo la la, are we complaining about a threesome?" :o

    • dragonbear profile image


      9 years ago from Essex UK

      It sounds as if you have been walking with the black dog... but you have had the strength to recognise it and then begin to deal with it. Thanks for sharing, it's a touching hub

    • Army Infantry Mom profile image

      Army Infantry Mom 

      9 years ago

      While im sitting hear reading your words, I cant help but crying. I can so relate to you, It was as if I was almost reading my own story. I was never the kind of person to share my personal emotions with anybody but over the past 6 months, I relized I had to,.. for survial. Sometimes just knowing your not alone, is good medicine. Thank You again for sharing,..

    • blondepoet profile image


      9 years ago from australia

      Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I have found even with some of my own stories I have written from my life, just by putting them down on paper and sharing them with others, that in itself has had a positive and healing effect on myself. Please hang in there,the human spirit is a wonderous thing. :)

    • Maraiya Storm profile image

      Maraiya Storm 

      9 years ago from Prescott, Arizona

      Sometimes a serious disability can cause us to look into new interests and things to do, like writing for HubPages, or maybe finding new hobbies. Sometimes, too, those new hobbies and interests can so lift us up that we lose our depression and actually feel better physically.

      I believe that it is possible to have a miraculous healing by praying to God for this.

      Depression could have been there all along, maybe kind of submerged so you weren't all that aware of it, and it could be that the depression actually created the illness. Maybe if you can heal your depression, then your illness will gradually fade.

      I will pray for you, for the healing of your depression, and the healing of your illness.

      I realize that they say it's a terminal illness, but I believe in miraculous spiritual healings. It can happen. It has happened to many people. People with terminal cancer suddenly healed. People with all kinds of serious, terminal illnesses suddenly healed. The doctors cannot explain these healings. It defies their paradigms and usual experiences.

      Hang in there! The fact that you are on HubPages is a great sign that you can overcome your depression and possibly heal your illness.

      I hate to see anyone suffer. We are all rooting for you to get well. Keep the faith.

    • Sue1226 profile image


      9 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Hello I know just how you feel I go through the same thing with my Arthritis. Some days are easier than others than the cold set in then I have no good days. Hang in there for God does not give us more than we can bear.

    • BEAUTYBABE profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from QUEENSLAND AUSTRALIA.

      Thank you so much for those kind words Lorlie6. Sometimes it is the most embarrasing things that are the most important. That was the case when my MSA was diagnosed. I had to tell all to Physician, or he might have missed it he told me.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 

      9 years ago from Grizzly Flats, Ca

      You are so very right about being open and honest with your doctor about even the most embarrasing things, BB, I thank you for being open and honest here on HubPages.

      Thanks for this well-written story, and I hope the physician can help you even more!


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