Who Knew Breathing Could Be So Difficult?

 I don't know when I began to have panic attacks.  Possibly when I was first married?  They subsided quite a bit after I divorced, only to re-enter my life after becoming a single parent.

It wasn't the raising of children alone that caused them.  It was the lack of money to do so.  All of a sudden, I was paying for two households, two insurances on homes, a car payment, car insurance, utilities, taxes on two homes and trying to start our new home up with some furniture, necessary items and paint and wallpaper to make it our own.

Even then, the liberation of not being married to my ex made me feel stronger and more confident than I had been in ages.  I don't remember many panic attacks then. 

Lately, I don't know when I will be out of one.  The constant heaviness on my chest.  The rapid and shallow breathing.  The pains throughout my body, making it difficult to be mobile.  The chronic headaches that seem to linger on for weeks now.

I recently spent two days at a local hospital and had a series of inconclusive tests done on me.  My blood pressure was perfect.  Blood work showed nothing.  Nuclear tests showed nothing exceptional except for the fact that a nuclear dye can make your heart glow!  I was given some nitroglycerin and sent home; reeling from the migraines that the nitro causes.

I sit here two days later and still feel as if an elephant is sitting on my chest.

 As many deep breaths that I take in, the deeper the feeling that things just aren't right in my world.  I take an anti-anxiety pill daily and I'm sure I would be floating down the Grand River if I didn't.  I wanted to venture out today but suddenly became so fatigued by the thought of it, I nestled onto the couch and napped with my dogs all day.

I keep trying to figure out how...how?  How does one declutter one's life to make it less stressful?  I have two children.  There are stresses with a teen and a prepubescent daughter that seems to have been on her period since she was 2 months old!  I have to work.  I enjoy my job but the paperwork and stress of always being measured and watched gets to me.  I am in a relationship that always seems to need tweaking but I guess that is normal with anyone...right?

I have my house, my pets, my crafts and my computer that allows me to write out my feelings when I need to. 

So, how do people out there make their life more meaningful?  How does a woman put herself first without feeling as if she is neglecting everyone else?

 I would like to get to the point in my life where I can stretch my feet out and imagine that there is a spanning, blue ocean in front of me.  I have no other thoughts but making myself happy.  I have no responsibilities; debts and bills to pay.  No people yelling at me and whining that I don't do things well enough.  Just me and the water.  Maybe a few trees to provide some shade.  The blue sky and some fluffy clouds.  Sounds nice...

I'd love to hear from others as to how they get to their own nirvana.  I can't even get to the point of being able to close my eyes and dream.  What do you do?