ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Who's in control.About being sick and getting/ needing help

Updated on October 9, 2008
 

Being a nurse myself, recently I'm experiencing what my patients go through every day. And I have noticed that my needs are no different from theirs. Now and then it's enough to make me despair. Nothing shows. Apart from a few pouches under the eyes caused by fatigue, it's not that bad from the outside. I'd just like to feel a little better now and then. And that's possible. Just give me the strings.

The strings

If you are or become ill a lot changes. Slowly you lose control of your own existence. You get the feeling you're no longer in charge.

I believe that this feeling should be opposed as much as possible. You want to be in control, even if only of a few things. Especially the things that are important to you.

For others this is difficult to imagine.

When you're not ill, your whole life is under your control.

"Can I help you?"

When faced with limitations, at some point in time the question will be asked: "Can I help you?"

Help is often offered unasked for. Because the giver wants to give. Out of a lack of power, to feel good about themselves or simply because it's their job.

You receive help, whether you want that or not.

You hear: "You're insane if you don't accept help. It makes it so much easier".

Or you think: "I allow him or her to help me, because (s)he wants it."

Why is this relevant?

Do you accept all help that's being offered?

Dependency. Nobody wants to be dependent. At least, I can't imagine anyone would want that. But if you accept all help you're offered, you lose independence and hence more control of your own life. And being ill in itself already means losing control.

For the ill person: You can't cope? Then ask for help. This way it's your own decision. You are aware of your limitations, but you remain in control. Often somebody with a physical limitation is told to take it easy. "I can do that for you, your kids could do that too". Anyway, a list of well-meant comments. Yet still one wants to have as much control of their own life as possible. When there really is no other possibility people can help. In most cases it is better to let people explore their limitations and fumble; in that way the mental part will remain healthy (longer). Often one accepts help in order not to be blunt or ungrateful. Instinctively help is not wanted, but it is accepted. This is why it's important to talk about this. Talk about and listen to what people want and do not want.

When it's someone who's close

Are you befriended with or close to someone who is less able that you are, now and then or always? Then you'll often want to help that other person. Even worse, it can happen automatically: I'll help. No questions asked. Sometimes you will ask: "Shall I help you?" And have you been snapped at? Did you ever wonder if your help was always appropriate? Have you ever been blamed for not helping?

How powerless can people feel when someone they love deeply becomes less capable, how much pain does a mother feel if she sees how her daughter is struggling to stay at her feet, how guilty can a sister feel, because she can still do anything while you can't. They'd sacrifice anything just to make you better, which they can't. But they can help and help is what they want readily. En then there's the ill person... "Don't bother, I can do that myself".

How can you decide when you should help without being asked and when to ask if your friend needs help?

Suggestions for help that might help

  • Consult about regular help you give uninvited
  • Ask whether you should offer help in certain situations
  • Try to stick to agreements regarding help. It can be very frustrating if help is provided when it wasn't asked for.
  • Do you find it hard not to offer help? Maybe you can consider this: the best help is when your friend remains as independent as possible.

Let the other person be in control.

So... I will get new medication today. Maybe it will take away most of the pain. Enough to get more sleep I hope and to take matters into my own hands again. And enough to let the people who love me and I love, feel less helpless:)

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)