Born sleeping. You leave mummy weeping.
We see them in the stars!
Don't leave me.
I hurt so much , I can not bear the pain. I know you are feeling this too.
If I thought I could save you I'd go through it again. Just to be with you.
Love you Son and always will xxx
I could not move , I was shaking with fear and cold. I had gone in to shock. You were not ready to come yet. it was not your time. I stayed cocooned in my duvet. Hoping to hold you with me. If I kept you in my room with just you and me. You would not leave me.
This is not how it is meant to be. We were expecting you. Our healthy blue eyed boy. Our first born. cementing your daddy and me together.
Why, why am I in so much pain. I am scared. I am on my own , I can not save you. How I want to save you baby boy. What can I do? Can I do any thing? Maybe if I keep the world out a little longer.
Its dinner time now. Daddy is home, he will save us both. See daddy is taking us to the hospital. We will be okay. Oh why does this hurt so much?
I have every one around me. I do not hear them properly. They have a doctor telling me there is nothing they can do. I don't know what they mean. Nothing they can do for what? You are still safe in side me. They may be wrong Son. Do not listen to them. Mummy will keep you safe! Can I? Yes I will. I HAVE to!
Oh no , the pain is worse. I need to push. I don't want to . Don't leave me baby boy, pleeeasssee.I feel you born. All the doctors rushing. I hear for your cry. Come on Son. CRY!! PLEASE CRY!!! Why aren't you crying?
Do you want to hold your baby ? Yes please. Give him to me. I see you for the first time. So small. All 1LB 10 of you in my arms. How can you not be breathing? You are so beautiful. Peachy smooth skin. Perfectly formed.
The doctors tell me I can stay with you as long as I want. I held you all night. And all morning. You need to sleep now. I put you in your crib. I sleep for an hour maybe two. I wake and remember you are there. I pick you up and fear runs through me. Your cold, so cold. I realise you are gone.
Its time for me to go home. I walk to the exit of the hospital. I stare at the door. It is like a ring of fire. A magic portal to a dark place. A pure soul like you can not come down this dark path. You have to stay here.
I hand you to the nurses. Why won't my body move? I know , we will never see each other again. How dare they go with my son. It is MY SON!!!! He needs his mummy. No I need to go! I can't move . I scream "Just take him, GO!" I can not bear the feeling I am abandoning you.
I go home and think of you in that cold mortuary. I see you laid there. I need you so much. I hear you cry. My arms ache to hold you. I hurt so bad.
Sympathy cards come. They should be baby boy congratulations cards. Why was it my son? Why not yours?
Please buy one if you see them.
The story above was me 11 years ago. I wanted to share the pain and thought I went through when my son was born at 24 weeks gestation. It took me to a dark place and I will miss him for the rest of my life. But this hub was not to heal me alone. It is written to show other women there are others who suffer the same. When you feel you have no one to turn to in your grief. Remember you are not alone. We are all living in pain.
There are many great organisations out there that can support people who suffer losing their little ones.
Sands stands for Stillbirth and neonatal death . They are a UK based organisation. Their helpline number is 020 7436 5881.
17 Babies are born still born or die shortly after birth every day in the UK. Sand works towards trying to reduce this number.