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Born sleeping. You leave mummy weeping.

Updated on October 20, 2011

We see them in the stars!

Source

Don't leave me.

I hurt so much , I can not bear the pain. I know you are feeling this too.

If I thought I could save you I'd go through it again. Just to be with you.

Love you Son and always will xxx


I could not move , I was shaking with fear and cold. I had gone in to shock. You were not ready to come yet. it was not your time. I stayed cocooned in my duvet. Hoping to hold you with me. If I kept you in my room with just you and me. You would not leave me.

This is not how it is meant to be. We were expecting you. Our healthy blue eyed boy. Our first born. cementing your daddy and me together.

Why, why am I in so much pain. I am scared. I am on my own , I can not save you. How I want to save you baby boy. What can I do? Can I do any thing? Maybe if I keep the world out a little longer.

Its dinner time now. Daddy is home, he will save us both. See daddy is taking us to the hospital. We will be okay. Oh why does this hurt so much?

I have every one around me. I do not hear them properly. They have a doctor telling me there is nothing they can do. I don't know what they mean. Nothing they can do for what? You are still safe in side me.  They may be wrong Son. Do not listen to them. Mummy will keep you safe! Can I? Yes I will. I HAVE to! 

Oh no , the pain is worse. I need to push. I don't want to . Don't leave me baby boy, pleeeasssee.I feel you born. All the doctors rushing. I hear for your cry. Come on Son. CRY!! PLEASE CRY!!! Why aren't you crying?

Do you want to hold your baby ? Yes please. Give him to me. I see you for the first time. So small. All 1LB 10 of you in my arms. How can you not be breathing? You are so beautiful. Peachy smooth skin. Perfectly formed.

The doctors tell me I can stay with you as long as I want. I held you all night. And all morning. You need to sleep now. I put you in your crib. I sleep for an hour maybe two. I wake and remember you are there. I pick you up and fear runs through me. Your cold, so cold. I realise you are gone.

Its time for me to go home. I walk to the exit of the hospital. I stare at the door. It is like a ring of fire. A magic portal to a dark place. A pure soul like you can not come down this dark path. You have to stay here.

I hand you to the nurses. Why won't my body move? I know , we will never see each other again. How dare they go with my son. It is MY SON!!!! He needs his mummy. No I need to go! I can't move . I scream "Just take him, GO!" I can not bear the feeling I am abandoning you.

I go home and think of you in that cold mortuary. I see you laid there. I need you so much. I hear you cry. My arms ache to hold you. I hurt so bad.

Sympathy cards come. They should be baby boy congratulations cards. Why was it my son? Why not yours?


Please buy one if you see them.

Still borns

The story above was me 11 years ago. I wanted to share the pain and thought I went through when my son was born at 24 weeks gestation. It took me to a dark place and I will miss him for the rest of my life. But this hub was not to heal me alone. It is written to show other women there are others who suffer the same. When you feel you have no one to turn to in your grief. Remember you are not alone. We are all living in pain.


There are many great organisations out there that can support people who suffer losing their little ones. 

Sands stands for Stillbirth and neonatal death . They are a UK based organisation. Their helpline number is 020 7436 5881. 

17 Babies are born still born or die shortly after birth every day in the UK. Sand works towards trying to reduce this number.

Comments

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  • bigjessy profile image

    Jessica 

    6 years ago from GERMANY

    nice... thank much for sharing

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    7 years ago from UK

    Thank you Carrie, it did, but so many women deal with this on their own that I wanted them to know that they are not. x

  • carriethomson profile image

    carriethomson 

    7 years ago from United Kingdom

    the title felt quite light hearted untill i read the hub!! it made me really sad!! I agree with rachel sharing this requires a lot of courage!!

    carrie

  • daffodil2010 profile image

    daffodil2010 

    8 years ago

    so cute :) thanks for sharing

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    8 years ago from UK

    Thank you for your support Carole. I think the writing community is fantastic in its support.

    Rachel I am grateful you have come to read my story after I read yours. There are a lot of people that suffer in silence for different reasons. And I think people do not realise how strong the support can be.

  • rachelsholiday profile image

    rachelsholiday 

    8 years ago

    Thank you for your courage in sharing this story! While I am not a mother (yet) your courage in sharing this story gives me courage of my own. =)

  • Carole Anzolletti profile image

    Carole Anzolletti 

    8 years ago from The Phantom Queen's Labyrinth

    What a beautiful rendition of a very painful time...I am so glad that you took the time to share it, and I am reminded of my own losses as well - the importance of dealing with it any way we can, well only we can decide how that is...but writing...writing can heal many ways...please keep writing, no matter what ANYONE says or does...its YOUR BIRTHRIGHT...and I am so proud of you for doing this! XXX - Oh, and thank your for your lovely comment in my Hub!!!

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    8 years ago from UK

    Thank you Barbara . It is such a sad thing to have happen. But after a while you hurt more for others than yourself.

    Kashmir. Thank you for your comment , and much love to your mum. One was heart breaking enough. I do not know how she endured 3. xx

  • kashmir56 profile image

    Thomas Silvia 

    8 years ago from Massachusetts

    Thank you for sharing your touching story, my mom had three still born babies before she had me .

    Vote up !!!

  • Barbara Kay profile image

    Barbara Badder 

    8 years ago from USA

    Your story made me sad. I am sorry anyone has to go through this pain.

  • Ddraigcoch profile imageAUTHOR

    Emma 

    8 years ago from UK

    You are welcome and thank you for your support. I am now one of the mums who have the strength to support others going through this. I felt like I was dying for years. My kids made me fight that feeling. It all surfaced when after 3 girls I had a baby boy in 2010. It all came flooding back. But I am healing. Others are new to this pain and I'd like to show they are not alone.

  • profile image

    Fay Paxton 

    8 years ago

    Oh this just struck me right in the gut. Thank you for having the strength and courage to share this important message. Hugs.

    Voted way up and very useful

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