Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion
‘Know what one of the most common lies women use in a relationship is? “No, I’m not mad at you.” According to AskMen.com, many women respond with this line once being asked, “Are you mad at me?” when in fact they are mad, pretend they aren’t, hold it in and dwell on it. Is this true for you?
Anger is the misunderstood emotion. It has been the center of attention where violence has been present. It has been feared. It has been shunned.
However, anger can be traced back to the beginning of time as a big part of our protective system. More so in the earlier days, anger was there to protect physically. We all know it as the fight or flight response. What we also need to understand, anger can be used for emotional and psychological protection.
Do you have trouble being comfortably mad?
Before being able to deal with, express and communicate anger comfortably, we must be able to tell ourselves, “It’s ok to be angry.”
If you’ve found yourself standing in the middle of a situation where you feel anger coming on, here’s a suggestion – stop, reflect and ask yourself these 4 questions:
1. Is someone stepping on one of my human rights?
2. Is someone violating one of my boundaries?
3. Is the anger I’m feeling a secondary feeling to a more vulnerable one?
4. Is the situation I’m in triggering something from the past?
Here are just a few examples of your rights simply because you are human.
· I have the right to be treated with respect and dignity.
· I have the right to have and express my own feelings and opinions.
· I have the right to consider my own needs.
· I have the right to make my own decisions.
· I have the right to change.
· I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously.
Your boundaries are meant to be non-negotiable
Boundaries are personal. Only we ourselves can decide what they are for ourselves. They define what we will allow and what we will not allow in our lives. And they are meant to be non-negotiable. Responding in a way that will defend our boundaries and personal power is one of the most basic and instinctive responses we carry within us. Anger protects our emotional safety in this way.
Vulnerable emotions
If we are standing in front of someone who is known to us personally to not be supportive when we feel either fear, hurt, disappointed, betrayed or upset, we may be likely to immediately shove down the vulnerable feeling for one that is known to give us strength – anger. Anger can protect those other feelings.
Triggering your past
Often in our daily experiences, we come across something that reminds us of something else that has happened in the past, either consciously or subconsciously, bringing up the attached emotion. Anger can protect whatever is being triggered and brought up by being an indicator, calling on us to take notice.
A few years ago, I attended a lovely outdoor event at Lori D’Ascenzo’s home where I listened to her give a presentation about feelings. She wrapped this all up in 1 word, “We naturally feel anger when we are experiencing injustice.”
Anger is a like a smoke detector. When a detector goes off in a building it screams the message, “Do something! Put the fire out!” or “Get out!” When you experience anger, it’s your internal smoke detector giving you the message, “Do something about the situation or remove yourself from the situation.”
Just imagine now, what would happen if the smoke detector was disabled in your home and a fire broke out? So, why is it ok to disable anger?
If you can answer “yes” to at least one of the above 4 questions while experiencing anger, you have a very legitimate reason for being angry. I encourage you to validate yourself so that you can feel comfortable in your anger.
The result from feeling comfortably mad is being able to deal with a situation on a clearer level, see it in a more open and insightful way, keep yourself safe and feel more sense of control, experiencing a more positive outcome.
And who wouldn’t want that?
© 2018 Christine Whelan
