Where's the love during non-crisis illness/death?

1. 77

   Mighty Momposted 13 years ago

   Why is it that when your loved one is in the hospital everyone is oh-so-concerned and supportive?
   But when your loved one is dying naturally at home, people don't take it seriously?
   Do we really need crisis surrounding impending death to get any support?
   That's how it's feeling to me right now, at least with my local friends.
   They simply don't get that even though it's a natural process, it's still extremely stressful to watch nature take her course....
   
   Anyone else experienced this odd phenomenon?

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   1. 73

      oldersisterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      I know when my mom was sick it was very hard to watch.  I think sometimes we as care givers need the help and support from friends and family.  People do not realize that just because your loved one is not in a hospital that they are just as sick at home.

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2. 58

   logic,commonsenseposted 13 years ago

   Out of sight, out of mind.  That's most people's mentality.  It's also possible that they don't want to intrude.
   Sorry to hear you are going thru this, hope it doesn't get too stressful for you.  You know we are always here to aggravate you so you can take your mind off of the inevitable. 
   
   Acceptance is the only way to come to terms.  BP has shown that one can get thru their troubles and come out stronger.  As strong as you seem to be, I'm sure you will get through it more resilient than ever.
   Don't be too hard on your friends, they are surely troubled and probably feel really awkward about the whole situation.  Don't be afraid to ask for a shoulder to lean on, sometimes that can be the catalyst.  Most are willing to help if they are given a hint.
   Hope your loved one is at peace.  Always remember the joy and forget the sorrow!

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3. 69

   ruthclark3posted 13 years ago

   Sometimes it seems that people are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, much less what to do.  That's been my experience.  When someone is in the hospital, they can drop by and leave quickly, offering services that many don't mean to deliver (although a few do mean it.) It's not so much that they don't care as it is that they are just uncomfortable.
   
   Long years ago I used to go with my mother to "sit with the sick" in their homes.  That usually meant that someone was dying and most did so at home.  Mama said that family should not be alone at times like that and she and other ladies from the church would take turns going over and cleaning, cooking, baby-sitting, do laundry, whatever.  They were HELPFUL. I don't see much of that any more and it's sad.  The sense of neighborliness is just about a lost art.

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4. 77

   Mighty Momposted 13 years ago

   Thanks to all of you for your valued perspectives here.
   logic,commonsense -- wise words, indeed. You also reminded me that I do have a LOVING support group here at HP. Escapism is a great tool and I look forward to goading you into aggravating me. Just what the doctor ordered. Thank you!
   
   ruthclark -- BINGO. That is exactly what I'm talking about. These days it seems unnatural to be at home doing this dying thing. For goodness sake, my husband and I have had to fight legally for 3 years for the privilege of letting my MIL live out her final days according to her wishes.
   You raise a good point. My MIL's church got sold a few years ago. The congregation scattered to the wind. I am sure that if Gloria Dei were still intact that the "church ladies" would be working their magic here.
   Well, at least we now have hospice.
   And I have Hub Pages and wise friends like you!
   Thank you!
   oldersister -- I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Sounds like you've lived the exact same isolation we're experiencing. It's not easy to watch whether the person is in a hospital or in their own bed. We have all grown squeamish at the sight of aging and illness. We seem to have lost the upbringing that teaches us to get out of self and do the right thing. People can't tolerate being uncomfortable. I know. I was like that for a long time. Luckily I changed at a critical time -- I got to be here (really here, present and available) for my parents' illness and death and my FIL's. And now my MIL's.
   
   I think the message here is not to expect blood from a stone. To take comfort where it is. And to take the experience in stride and not let it consume my life.
   
   So thank you all for helping me. You really have!
   MM

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5. 60

   SomewayOuttaHereposted 13 years ago

   ..ahhh...it's a hard time...it's an intimate time...
   
   i think some folks do not really acknowledge what is happening...they may not want to hear...others hear and know that it is an intimate time and a difficult time; they may not be certain of how to help and may expect that family is there; they may think they are not needed right now but will be there after to help...other folks cannot face the reality...
   
   when Meagan was dying (I write about her), i didn't have the energy or focus to have many people around, nor could Meagan.....just very close family and a few very, very close friends...i could only focus on her....but those that should have been there the night she died gathered with us when we called upon them, but only because we asked them to come - and still they didn't believe what was happening as we all gathered, until she died that night.  Only my husband and I and Meagan knew it was time....we were all so very close during that most intimate time.
   
   Also, some folks are not used to people dying in the comfort of their homes..i don't know if any of my words help MM....peace to you and your family...reach out when the time is right and/or just reach out to those good friends you want support from - they'll come.

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6. 73

   oldersisterposted 13 years ago

   Mighty Mom,  I am so sorry that your are at this stage in your life with your MIL.  It has been a long road for you.  If you need to vent or cry I am here.  I know what you are going through.

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7. 77

   Mighty Momposted 13 years ago

   SomewayOuttaHere,
   Your words are very true and I can tell you have lived this experience in the most painful and most intimate way. You have really been through it. Words fail me except gratitude for sharing your experience with me and us.
   Thank you.
   oldersister -- Appreciate that offer more than you know. Many thanks and don't be surprised when I take you up on that!
   Peace, friends.
   All is happening as it it supposed to. Not necessarily as I would want it to.
   MM

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   1. 73

      oldersisterposted 13 years agoin reply to this

      No problem Mighty Mom.  I'm here when you need me

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