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Jealovers: Jealousy and Jealous Couples Connecting through Therapy, Counseling and Self Help for a Better Relationship

Updated on May 25, 2011

Jealous couples and how to have a healthy relationship

Jealovers: Jealous Couples Connecting through Therapy, Counseling and

Self Help for a Better Relationship

Jealousy and love, they are a natural part of relationships. Sometimes one partner starts to feel insecure and gets possessive. When these feelings interfere with the relationship, it may be time to take a look at the love and the relationship and what is really going on.

Jealousy has a powerful effect on relationships between lovers. When jealousy is managed in constructive and proper ways, it can serve as a bonding effect to the partners. Feelings of jealousy are a normal response when a partner feels their relationship may be altered by a rival. Non stop jealousy hurts a relationship. Men and women handle jealousy and its responses in different ways. Although all jealousy has its roots from insecurities and is the main cause of jealousy. With the intense feeling of jealousy come anger, fear, anxiety and a desperate need to control the other person in order to sopt the perception that they may lose the relationship. Communication, openness, forgiveness, trust, and mutual respect add to the recipe for a happy resolution to ease jealousy and enhance a healthier relationship. Love and jealousy are extremely strong feelings that evokes emotions of passion and powerful desires to continue the relationship. Love is a positive emotion and a need within someone that makes them feel better about themselves, their partner, and their relationship. Jealousy is a negative emotion and a neediness within people that affects and attacks their self esteem and causes great pain and tremendous discomfort.

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy just happens when an important relationship is threatened by a real or imagined third party. This fear triggers negative and worrisome feelings that lead the jealous person to react impulsively and sometimes to take desperate measures in an attempt to hold onto this relationship. Jealous people fear that they have lost affection, attention, and sexual faithfulness. Obsessions and mistrust start and grow and ensue, causing a person to spy on their partner’s activities. They continue to make accusations of infidelity, and demand constant reassurance. The controlling ways make it difficult for the relationship to continue without angry battles, aggression, and sometimes violence. People who have a poor self esteem, may feel threatened due to their low self image, believing they couldn’t possibly keep the object of their affection interested in them.

Jealousy destroys intimacy and interferes with trust, a building block of a relationship. An extreme aspect of jealousy is possessiveness where the jealous person views their partner as an object that they own and can presume to control them. Suspicions arise and bring about defense mechanisms like vigilance, derogatory and antagonistic behavior, and they trigger insecure feelings that undermine their own ego and self image. An insecure person will be insecure about sexual jealousy, relationships among friends and even of a child, if they believe this person takes away affection and attention from them. A jealous person feels angry and uncomfortable and trys to stop these feeling by controlling, questioning, distrusting, spying, and being hyper vigilant against an anticipated rival who they fear may disrupt the relationship. These behaviors in reality, push the very person they want to be closer to, further away.


Jealousy and Relationships

There is good jealousy and bad jealousy. Good jealousy helps the partners appreciate each other.  Bad jealousy interferes with the intimacy of  the relationship.

Male and Female Jealousy are Different

Male and female jealousy differ by what triggers their jealousy. Men fear the threat of sexual unfaithfulness, and women are triggered by emotional unfaithfulness. Evolutionary theorists believe jealousy is prewired in the brain and is a needed feeling to stop the possibility of unfaithfulness. But jealousy is wrought with erroneous thinking and its mission of keeping close relationships actually destroys the intimacy through its delusions.The science of evolution theory of jealousy says that men want sexual fidelity so they know their offspring are their biological children. Women want emotional availability so that the man’s attention and energy is devoted toward raising the children and increasing their future viability, thereby ensuring propagation of the species. This theory has been hotly debated.

It is simple to trigger the jealousy in a man. Women dress enticingly and may flirt unknowingly when they smile at another man. Men view smiling as sexual. Women do not have this same view. There are numerous other ways that a woman knowingly and unknowingly may bring on jealous feelings. You can make yourself less vulnerable by boosting your self esteem. By not looking for approval to feel okay from your partner, you will help free yourself from the grips of jealousy. Communication, honesty and respect are important to maintaining a relationship that can grow and develop into a healthy, happy, love partnership. Sometimes attention paid to guard the relationship may seem flattering.

Working through those Jealous Feelings

Jealousy, while it is a complex emotion, is also basically and somewhat universal for all people. It boils down to a poor self view, poor self confidence, and a poor self image. It is an attempt to protect what a lover values through extreme measures. Help starts with communication and honesty. It is important to share your feeling to help each other feel comfortable with your lifestyle together and the situations that arise. If two people understand what each desires from the relationship then they may be able to agree on ways to handle the situation and on time spent together for reassurance. Demanding will only put a wedge between the partners. Try to understand each other and at the same time value yourself and appreciate the wonderful person you are so that you may need your partner less. Working with a marriage counselor or relationship therapist is always a good idea.

You may just learn to love yourself more, need your partner less, trust each other more, and gain a balance that can help you in all aspects of your life. Feeling good about yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those who love you. It is also important if you can be sensitive to the jealous partner and their needs. To be aware if you flirt, what they may be feeling if you neglect to return their phone calls, and try to lead your partner to believe someone else may be interested in you. Lying and infidelity are harmful to the relationship and give rise to jealous feelings. Men view flirtatious signals different than women. For example, men read a smile as sexual, women don’t even think of it that way. This doesn’t mean don’t smile at people, but it does mean to be sensitive and alert that you could be triggering something in your boyfriend or spouse.

It is important to realize that jealousy has its dangerous side. Jealousy is very much connected to aggression, which may lead to violent acts. It is important to understand the many aspects of jealousy. Take care of yourself, nurture your relationship, communicate and improve how you feel about yourself to reduce jealousy knocking at your door. Seek help from a qualified therapist or counselor so that you can turn that powerful surge of emotion jealousy brings on into an energy within you that will bring about constructive and positive affects in yourself and for those you love and who love you. The power to change and grow is within you. Take charge of that power and make good and positive things happen for you!

Share your experiences. Tell your story. Give us advice.


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    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 6 years ago

      Hi Dolores, You are right. There are 2 sides to jealousy. Some people could be jealous for their own securities, and some people encourage jealousy through their behavior. Self awareness and therapy are important to help the couple in circumstances like this.

    • Dolores Monet profile image

      Dolores Monet 6 years ago from East Coast, United States

      Jealousy can sure be hazardous to a relationship. But it's a 2 way street. Both members of a couple need to keep the best at bay - neither behaving in a way that encourages jealousy, nor allowing ourselves to become jealous over small things.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 7 years ago

      Jealousy is deeply rooted in a person's self image. The healthiest thing to do is to either get out of the relationship or get help with the issues.

    • justmesuzanne profile image

      justmesuzanne 7 years ago from Texas

      Jealousy is a totally wasted emotion and incredibly destructive. It is my policy to terminate relationships when jealousy is exhibited.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 7 years ago

      I have a series of articles on jealousy, because I find it a fascinating topic about human nature. Why are some people jealous and others not? It is an interesting aspect to personalities and relationships.

    • Ingenira profile image

      Ingenira 7 years ago

      This is a very nice piece of work, very professionally written.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 7 years ago

      I agree, who the couples are need to always be considered.

    • glassvisage profile image

      glassvisage 7 years ago from Northern California

      You bring up a great point: male and female jealousies can be very different! This is something that even comes up in movies and sitcoms. However, I feel they can also be similar, depending on the couple.

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 7 years ago

      Jealous feelings are emotions that need to be recognized for the potential negative effect it has on relationships.

      I hope we can all educate each other on the relevant topics that affect people everyday.

    • relationshipblog profile image

      relationshipblog 7 years ago from United States

      Thank you, this is a very useful post and I have rated it up. Here is another an interesting article on the topic of jealousy in relationships that you may wish to add to your resources list: