ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

5 Foods to Never Eat

Updated on August 10, 2013

Don't eat these foods, ever.

We all love food. Without food, KFC would be a creepy guy in a white suit. Entire television channels dedicate programming to stuff that we eat. You can watch a show showing other people eating. You can learn to cook from cable TV. What they rarely tell you is what not to eat. Food is celebrated, deified, studied, but never deployed as part of a cautionary tale.

Eat whatever you want, as long as you don't pig out on the following foods. We're here to help. Gnaw on a McDonald's Quarter Pounder (disclaimer: I own stock) rather than indulge from this list.

Disgusting. Never eat this.
Disgusting. Never eat this.

Stale Tomato

Nice fresh tomatoes are everywhere: eat them instead. Look for smooth unbroken skins with no mold, bugs, splits, or bites already taken out of them. Tomatoes come with Lycopene and you need that. It's a bright red carotene that your body converts into Vitamin A.

The USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) condoned creation of several designer tomatoes containing enhanced levels of Lycopene. Look for those in juices, sauces, and cherry and beefsteak types. You can also get carotene from carrots, hence the name.

Eat pieces of me. Not the whole me.
Eat pieces of me. Not the whole me.

A whole cow

Pieces of cows are everywhere and you are much better off eating bits rather than attempting ingestion of an entire ruminant. Observe that no fast-food restaurant offers "one cow" as a menu line item. That should tell you something. A company with thousands of franchises selling billions of burgers (cow parts) would certainly be inclined to dump the whole beast onto your tray if they thought it was remotely beneficial to you or their bottom line.

Copyright: me. And HubPages.
Copyright: me. And HubPages.


The things are just gross. They don't even taste good. Pick out the most shiniest, smoothest, freshest example of your local pomegranate and throw it away. Don't even nibble on it. It has seeds that aren't even called seeds. The seeds are disgusting anyway. I once tried pomegranate yogurt and it had seeds in it. No lie.

Google 'pomegranate' and order the juice or extract or candy bar or aftershave. You'll be just as healthy and there won't be seeds in your smile.

Overpriced dandelion
Overpriced dandelion


It's a herbaceous annual plant. That sounds gross already. It also costs, like, $15 per pound.

It's a weed and it only lasts 2 days in your fridge. A good can of Pringles lasts years on a shelf at room temperature. If you insist on eating weeds, go out in the yard and pick dandelions. Sprinkle pepper on it and, viola, you have generic arugula. They grow back in minutes and they look very much like arugula. No one will know the difference unless they watch too much Food Channel programming.

Civet Coffee

A cute furry carnivore swallows coffee beans. Attentive farmers stand by with baskets. The civet poops and a very expensive brand of coffee is born. Whether or not evolution has been indicated is hard to say. The product costs $50 - $100 per bag, for obvious reasons. I hope the farmers get their cut, so to speak.

Don't try this at home under any circumstances. Don't ask for it at Starbucks. They'll laugh at you in the Dunkin' Donuts drive-through.

One more thing

There ya go: 5 foods to never eat. Additionally, don't eat sugar: it will make you fat, stupid, inattentive, diabetic, old, weak, and toothless. Don't eat fat: it will clog your arteries. Don't eat protein: it tastes terrible and it has an awful texture. Have a drink of water.

And another thing

Eat whatever you want. This is all in fun. No cute animals were harmed in the writing of this thing. We want you to be happy, we really do.

The best meal is a Pizza Hut pan Pizza with mushrooms and green olives. And green Gatorade.

Here's a poll so HubPages will index this hub

I eat all these foods

See results

Here's a quiz

view quiz statistics


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA Google hates grammatical errors. I love Google because it represents all that is good and wise on the Internet.

    • profile image 

      5 years ago

      @Pomegranates - you're not disgusting - Nicomp doesn't know what he's talkin about and he hates grammatical errors they drive him mad!

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @BillyBuc, Pomegranates are disgusting. I think it's a food.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I was looking for your recipe hubs but got bored scrolling down so I settled on this and I'm sure glad I did.

      Pomegranates??? Is that a food???? I make it a habit not to eat something I can't pronounce. Fortunately I can't pronounce liver either. :)

      I had fun with this one. Nice job, good where is my slice of pizza?

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @DeborahNeyens : Yucky Pomegranates.

    • DeborahNeyens profile image

      Deborah Neyens 

      6 years ago from Iowa

      You are too funny. Finally, someone with the guts to tell the truth about pomegranates!

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @HaleyMCruz: Not a 'cow part,' rather the whole cow. We're here to help!

    • HaleyMCruz profile image


      6 years ago from California

      I can appreciate a good hub that tells me everything that I do far the sugar hasn't made me fat! I think. And the cow part made me crack up, I mean it!

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Gypsy Willow : I raise dandelions in my yard. :)

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 

      6 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      Quite a hub! I love arugala though. It reseeds itself in my garden so the cost is NIL!

    • breakfastpop profile image


      6 years ago

      Dear nicomp,

      Thank you for your appreciation of free speech!

    • nanderson500 profile image


      6 years ago from Seattle, WA

      I'll try to remember this hub the next time I eat a whole cow! Voted up.

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @breakfastpop : I know some hubbers who would ban you for sneaking your reactionary political views into well-meaning nutritional treatises. : In The Colonies our cars are plastic and aluminum so we can increase mpgs.

      @drbj: Thanks, again!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      6 years ago from south Florida

      nicomp - Your totally terrifying treatise leaves me no options. Except laughing hysterically ...

    • profile image 

      6 years ago

      Well if you are going to tell me not to eat a mouldy tomatoe why not a car too? I nearly started eating a Ford - I thought cars were quite nutritional - full of iron - thanks for this informative hub voted up and useful!

    • breakfastpop profile image


      6 years ago

      I hate arugula, thyme, maybe rosemary, certainly cilantro and the Obama re-election campaign!

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      6 years ago from Ohio, USA : Do I actually need to tell you not to eat a car?

      Unless it's a Holden, they taste pretty good.

    • profile image 

      6 years ago

      I seem to remember someone ate a car once - thanks for reminding me of this Nicomp!

    • aivzdog profile image


      6 years ago

      I will never eat dog.

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 

      6 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      Funny and Interesting!!!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)