5 Things You Didn't Know Existed
Join me as I expend over 700 words introducing mass-produced items available for online purchase.These aren't boring iPhones already owned by millions of lemming-like shoppers. No, dear reader, these items exhibit unique qualities. After interminable online research, I proudly present this authoritative list of stuff you don't know about.
Squeeze tightly your credit cards. Resist the urge to acquire all 5.
EasyGoDryer™ - Portable Electric Air Drying Clothes Dryer
Everywhere I go, there I am. And there's almost always clothes to be dried. You, dear reader perchance find yourself in similar predicaments.This handy device is here to help.
How many times have you dragged yourself from the Chattahoochee River only to find your togs saturated? Your situation deepens when you realize the ostensibly waterproof rucksack sopped up gallons of rushing water. Nothing wearable has been spared from the liquid onslaught.
Simply plug in this modern marvel and kick back with a glass of lemonade as your shirts and shorts electrically dehydrate amidst a whirlwind of hot air. It's like having Congress dry your clothes. It even includes hangers and hooks, but not the attractive housewife depicted at right. She has moved on to finish her ironing.
The strongest feature of this portable electric air drying clothes dryer must be the portability. Certainly we all have bulky dryers in laundry rooms and basements across this fruited plain. However, who among us willingly lugs the thing upstairs and takes it on vacation? It won't fit in the minivan unless you leave Aunt Edna at home. In conclusion, look to this device to save your marriage and keep your family together.
Clean Master Phone Boost
Your phone is filthy. You can put it in the washing machine and run it through the portable electric clothes dryer, but you probably can't use it to make calls any more. What you really need is cleanliness and concurrent maintenance of structural integrity.
Software comes to the rescue. Long strings of strategically composed 1's and 0's woven into a paroxysm of logic guarantees to scrub all the nastiness from your phone. Use this simple program to erase whatever you might or might not have done with that device. No one cares if you used it to hold open a door but the grand jury is very interested in where you were on the night of alleged crime.
See: your computer has a cache. In that cache resides history of everything you ever did with your phone. The cache grows and grows until it consumes all the space on your SD card. Eventually the phone becomes nothing but a place to store the cache. This handy software program jumps in with both digital feet to defeat the cache and reduce it to manageable dimensions. You won't know how you lived without it and the grand jury will have nothing on you.
Cat Exercise Wheel
Civilization reaches its peak with the introduction of cat exercise wheels. We may cure halitosis and eliminate bed bugs but this contribution to society forever remains as a benchmark for generations to follow. We could quite possibly leverage advanced DNA engineering to build wildebeests that see in the dark, but everyone will soon have a cat exercise wheel rotating in their family room.
I, myself, find myself unable to resist the allure of cats training endlessly on rotating wheels of misfortune. Given choice between 65" 4D flat-screen video displays in all my bathrooms, I opt for felines furiously spinning in two dimensions. Surely I am not alone in my predilection for deploying as entertainment furry mammals traditionally tasked to remain aloof.
Jump in with both feet as this market explodes. What may seem like a niche will soon blossom into exercise wheels for small dogs and Ryan Seacrest. You will hate yourself if you find yourself missing out.
Styrene Butadiene Rubber, of course
Jaybird and Mais 30/31 Adhesive Foam
Since the Adhesive Foam collapse of 2007, finding 30/31 in consistent quantities proves problematic.We've all seen the glut of open-celled foam and hyper-striated aeronautical foams but this product from Jaybird and Mais solves foam application problems across innumerable vertical markets.
At 11 pounds per cubic foot, density is never a problem for this adhesive foam. Don't be fooled by higher and lower densities fobbed off by lesser manufacturers. This superior application of Styrene Butadiene Rubber (SBR) latex foam will make you look good when the building inspector stops by for a surprise inspection.
Bill Acceptor Cleaning Cards featuring Waffletechnology with Miracle Magic
Waffles are great for brunch but these waffles comprise a technology! Should you find yourself with one or more less than clean bill acceptors, consider ordering up oodles of this miracle cleaning accoutrement. None of us wants to have our bills accepted by a dirty bill acceptor.
Bill Acceptor Engineers all agree that Waffletechnology offers superior cleaning of bill acceptors. Currency comes in all colors and denominations but it's all filthy. That filth transfers to your bill acceptors and, bingo, it's curtains for you and your sensitive equipment. You may not be accepting bills for very long if your bill acceptor clogs with crud.
According to customer reviews, these little miracles work miraculously but they are pricey. I say: posh. No price is too great for cleanliness of public bill acceptors. The next person inserting bills into one of my bill acceptors will be the first, but you get my drift.
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I am Joe and I make money on the Internet. It's all true, really. I would never lie to any of you.