A Gay Proposal: Solving the gay marriage issue for Liberals and Conservatives

So much has been made recently about gay marriage. Millions and millions of dollars are being spent to fight what is referred to as “the Gay Agenda” and, frankly, those millions of dollars and all those man hours are being wasted where they could be spent on something more useful. We have a war going on, there are social issues all over, border issues, drug issues, healthcare issues, and the economy is in the tank. But despite all that going on, the nation is still faced with this endless push by gay people who insist on living their lives despite what people point out every day is written in the Bible.

These gays refuse to accept what is clearly written in the scriptures no matter how carefully it is shown and explained. These are instructions for life given with declarations of love by people who only want gays to understand the proper way to live according to God, whose truth is universal and absolute to all Christians.

So, given that these gays will not listen, and given that so much money and time is being wasted on trying to get them to listen – AND also in keeping with the belief that people should try to live in mutual harmony, and that respect and compromise are the order of the day – I propose a modest and entirely feasible solution to the problem that should see both sides at least mollified to the extent where life can begin to function more normally and funds and effort can be put to better use. In fact, if properly executed, my proposal should actually fix almost all of the country’s ills listed above. Let me begin:

First, the gays must accept that their problem is in large part that they don’t like the Christians that keep trying to tell them what to do telling them what to do. The gays must admit this outright. They must say, “That’s right, I don’t want to be told what to do by the Christians that are trying to tell me what to do.” They can’t fumble about with qualifiers or extenuating arguments. They just have to admit that singular fact. They don’t want to be told what to do.

Second, the Christians involved in the anti-gay marriage cause must admit that they, in fact, do want to tell the gays what to do. They must say, “I admit I do want to tell the gays how to live.” They must refrain from inserting “because my God wills it” or any other thing, because if they do, the gays will get all pissy and start pointing out that they might not believe the same way, that they read the Bible differently, that they believe in evolution or are agnostic or whatever else. No matter how strong the urge is in the Christian to point out that he or she knows the truth because it was revealed to all mankind by Jesus Christ Himself, they must NOT say that stuff in THIS particular moment because, remember, we are trying to solve a problem that keeps going on and on and on. So, Christians must NOT say anything more. They can think the second part, but, in the name of peace and harmony, as a true example of forbearance, and in this plan to save our nation, they must just allow that, if boiled down to simplest terms, their purpose is, in fact, to tell gays how to live – not “how to live according to God’s word,” just telling them how to live. It may seem like a technicality, but it is a true technicality. And a necessary one. And if the country can be fixed, the economy repaired, the wars won, nation secure, improve the lives of everyone, the gay marriage issue solved, isn’t a little technicality worth it in the end?

And here’s why it’s so important: By the Christian side admitting that, technically, they do “simply” want to tell the gays how to live, the gays will have at least a small victory, something they need to stem the fury that boils in their veins right now. They will relax some, calmed by the fact that the Christian movement has granted them a point, given ground as it were. A little victory for once after the defeat they suffered in California that has them all riled up. This will soften them towards making compromises of their own.

So, Christians must admit that. At least out loud.

Next the gays, in response, and now softened, must say to the Christians, “Thank you for acknowledging that a large part of our issue was that we were annoyed by you trying to tell us how to live.”

The gays must NOT go on to say, “Because we have a right to live how we want and we don’t believe in your god… or we do believe in your god but not the way you interpret it…” or any other form of trying to prove that there are hundreds of religions in the world that believe differently, or that philosophy in its many forms has really made the ontology of god a complicated and open debate. They must not mention evolution, point out technical conflicts in scripture or bring up things like the Flying Spaghetti Monster. No matter how hard they want to, they must refrain from doing that. Remember, we are trying to solve a problem here, trying to find peace for everyone in a complicated world. So, once the Christian agenda admits that it wants to tell the gays how to live, the gays need to acknowledge that Christians have given way in the spirit of compromise and therefore they, the gays, must now give some compromise too.

The gays must accept that the desire to direct life according to the Bible is paramount for many Christians. For one thing, Christians founded this country – a democratic country at that – and there are more of them than there are gays. So, given these facts, the gays must accept that a religion great enough to create a nation as big and amazing as this one (current wars, social strife, racial inequity and the avarice tanking our economy momentarily aside) has earned the right to provide at least some measure of instructions as to how life in that great country should be lived. Given that these Christians have already compromised in one area to the gays by admitting that they want to tell them how to live, the gays must in turn let these Christians tell them one thing that they do have to do, one thing that directly relates to the Bible, since that is what these Christians want.

Now, the first urge of the Christians will be to tell the gays they can’t get married to one another. So, before anyone thinks that, let’s stop and take a breath. The Gay Proposal is ultimately about gay marriage, so I will get to that issue in good time. But we have to get both parties together first, and that is NOT happening right now in our society, so one thing at a time. To obtain that end, we must pick something different to make them do for this early part of the plan.

The Christians get to tell the gays that they have to be carpenters like Jesus.

Now, I realize many gays already have careers. But, remember, this is the spirit of compromise. So, henceforth, all gays must abandon their existing careers and become carpenters (obviously excepting those gays who are already carpenters – they can keep their jobs). The purpose of this is twofold.

The first is that by allowing the Christians to tell gays what to do, the Christians will get some measure of satisfaction for having got to tell the gays what to do. Plus, this command is Biblical in nature, which is good for the gays, who by the reckoning of Christians, need to be more like Jesus. This is a great first step. The second purpose is even better than the first because all these gay carpenters are going to save the tanking economy. That works through a few different mechanisms.

One mechanism is that all the gays from San Francisco southward can converge on the border with Mexico and build a giant fence. It can be huge – as thick as it is tall, as big as we need. We can even cut down all the great Sequoias growing east of Fresno and use those, maybe the gays in Washington and Oregon can cut down the rest of the redwoods and send those too. We’ll have enough carpenters to handle all that work easily. This will stem the tide of illegal immigration that many conservative Christians hate AND it will help prevent the drug violence that escalates daily in Mexico from spilling any further into the US.

Another mechanism of this is that the gay carpenters can repair all the vandalism and decay that is happening to all of the foreclosed homes that are sitting on the market, vacant all across the land. Vagrants and bored teenagers with rocks are destroying them, lowering home values, ruining neighborhoods with blight and all sorts of things. With a sudden and precipitous increase in the number of available carpenters and wood, we could fix up all these blighted neighborhoods, which would in turn increase the property values, which would then allow innovative banks to borrow off the equity of these homes to invest in other projects that would ultimately inflate our economy right back to where everyone likes it.

This economic boom is further accelerated by the new job openings that will suddenly take place when all the gays leave their previous employment to become carpenters. Suddenly there will be openings in every industry because right now those gays are contributing to society in virtually every walk of life there is. But now they will leave those jobs. This sudden vacating of all those posts will help reverse the unemployment spiral that has been going on in this country for so long. With all these unemployed people going back to work taking the old gay jobs, it will relinquish the massive expense of paying unemployment benefits to so many citizens and, in fact, will also add additional tax revenue by their working now, further strengthening the government’s finances, allowing them to make bigger wars, more wars, or to actually pay for the healthcare bill that passed.

In one clean movement, my Gay Proposal solves every major struggle the nation faces right now. The only problem remaining un-addressed is the issue of gay marriage itself. Secure borders, victory in war, and a thriving economy alone are not enough. The simple fact is, Christians still do not want to see gay marriage taking place. This particular problem still needs to be solved so that everyone can enjoy the nation’s new prosperity. And that’s the beauty of this proposal, for the mechanism by which this lone remaining problem is solved has already been set in place.

Because the gays will all be carpenters, they will have access to wood and tools. By the rules of this agreement, all gays must agree to provide any of the following items to Christians at any time: boards, pickets or sharpened sticks. That’s it. It’s simple, really. No matter what they are doing, any gay solicited by a Christian or any other person opposed to gay marriage must stop and provide either boards, pickets, or sharpened sticks.

Any time a Christian or other person who does not want to see gay marriage in the U.S. wishes it, a gay carpenter must board up the Christian’s windows at no charge, and they must do so immediately; or, if that is not convenient, they gay must provide a sharp stick with which the Christian or other person may stab out their own eyes; or, in the most dire cases, a well cut, pointed picket upon which the Christian may fall if he or she so chooses. By doing this, no Christian opposed to gay marriage will ever have to see it, and, therefore, it can be made legal with no risk to these Christians at all.

I believe that if everyone adopts this simple policy, everyone in the country can live in peace and prosperity. I understand and readily admit that the Gay Proposal requires sacrifice on the part of both parties, but in the interest of a strong, secure nation, reduced unemployment, and the connubial bliss of all parties, this solution is the only way to go about it. Furthermore, I profess with the full sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this proposal beyond the public good of my country, as I am neither a gay nor a Christian for whom the existence of gay marriage stands as an abomination.

I hope that the people holding the powers to enact this Gay Proposal will take the time to review it carefully and then implement it as quickly as possible so that all peoples, gay and Christian alike, can go on with the business of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness as our founding fathers intended that they do.