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The Origin of Faith: A Story of God, Religion and Hawt Cavechicks with Dirty Boobs
I’m going to tell you a story about faith. If you read it with prejudice, you’ll miss it all. Hopefully a few will make it to the end.
Once upon a time there was a bunch of primitive people who were very dirty and had horrible B.O. They all lived independently of one another, scavenging and scraping out existences as best they could from the wilds. There were eight of them, three chicks and four dudes. One day they found each other by accident as they were walking around a forest. They were all tired from their individual efforts at finding food for themselves, building shelters, fending off lions and tigers single-handedly, having to do all the work of skinning carcasses and prepping hides to make fancy fur-lined underpants and all the other stuff they had to do living a singular existence.
So, there they were, all brought together by chance, tired and panting at the hardship of individual lives, and they decided to make a community. They divvied up tasks based on who was better at what, and pretty soon everyone had enough to eat, a nice wooden hut to live in and underwear that didn’t chafe or let your dangly parts hang out. It was great.
But then one night Tonduh, a particularly large and muscular primitive, woke up feeling a little randy. He decided to go see if Peggy, the hottest of the dirty girls, was in the mood to make mad monkey love. Because Tonduh was such a big sexy brute, and because Peggy had horrible hay fever that night thus blocking her sinuses and sparing her the rank fragrance of Tonduh’s foul pits, she acquiesced and the monkey frolicking began.
Tonduh woke up before dawn the next morning with a terrific hunger and went to the little village storage pit and took out all the wild cheerie-oats that Eustace had gathered and poured them into a bowl. Then he doused them with all of the possum milk Cletus had so tirelessly rustled up in his foraging for marsupials to milk. Tonduh and Peggy had quite a feast.
When everyone else woke up, several of them went to get breakfast, but, alas, it was gone.
“Hey, Tonduh,” said Cletus. “You drank all our possum milk. What’s up with that?”
“Yeah,” said Eustace, “You ate all our cheerie-oats too. WTF?”
Tonduh flexed his giant barbarous muscles and said to Cletus, “What are you going to do about it?”
Cletus, being much smaller, grimaced and said, “Nothing.”
Then Tonduh looked over at Eustace; her leopard skin nightgown was hanging open some and revealing her sumptuous, grime-encrusted primitive cleavage. “Say baby," he said, "you don’t have to worry your pretty little, lice-infested head over that. You come on over to my hut and we’ll share some with you.”
This is when Moe piped in, because he had a crush on Eustace and her dirty boobs. “Hey, you already have a woman.”
“Now I have two,” said Tonduh, flexing his muscles again. And sure enough, Eustace, very hungry, decided to go stand by Tonduh. She unfortunately did not have hay fever and her eyes began to water, but such was the price of survival.
Moe thought about taking Tonduh on. Moe wasn’t as strong as Tonduh, but he was pretty quick and figured he might be able to do okay if he picked up a stick or something. Moe was smart like that, always looking for an advantage.
Moe’s body was clearly tense as he considered this martial option, which prompted Pooftah, the village’s least burly male – but by far the best cook and tailor – to chime in lisping, “It’th okay Moe, I have thome therial I will share.”
Something about Pooftah made Moe uncomfortable, so he pulled his mammoth-hide pajamas closely about himself.
That’s when Stacy came out and saw what was going on and put her hands on her hips. “What’s all this?” she demanded. “Are you people really already messing up our system? It hasn’t even been a month. Do we really have to make rules?”
Tonduh walked over and hit her in the head, knocking her out, and dragged her back to his hut by the hair (cavemen always dragged their women by the hair rather than by the feet to prevent them filling up with dirt). Eustace and Peggy followed, although Eustace looked uncomfortable.
Moe looked as if he might take a step towards Tonduh’s hut, but Tonduh glanced out with his big, square face with its lumpy, muscular brow ridges and even brave Moe decided maybe that would be a bad idea. He slumped down on a fallen log and moaned.
“Tonduh is a dick. We need to do something about that.”
“We do,” agreed Cletus.
“Why?” said Pooftah. “Ith there thomething wrong?” He sat down next to Moe, who then slid a few feet further down the log. Pooftah slid after him. This chase continued to the end, and Moe ended up with wood in his ass.
Splinters from the log, obviously.
Well, the rest of the day was pretty messed up for Moe, and he sulked around while Cletus went out and tried to gather more possum milk. That night clouds rolled in, and as the villagers sat around shivering in the village center, Moe was grumbling about Tonduh who had all three chicks draped over him like buxom, dirty-boobed furs. Cletus was cold and upset at the situation too, and Pooftah kept offering to share body heat. All of this put Moe in a foul mood.
“This sucks,” said Moe.
“Mmmm, thucks,” giggled Pooftah.
“It does suck,” said Cletus. “I think I’m going to leave tomorrow morning. This village thing ain’t working out no more.”
“Don’t,” said Moe. “You’re our best milk harvester. I’ll figure something out.”
“You’re pretty smart, Moe, I’ll give you that, but you ain’t gonna take Tonduh down. No offense, but you ain’t gonna get us no food, and you ain’t gonna get us warm.”
All of a sudden a bolt of lightning came down and struck a pile of sticks nearby.
The dry wood burst into flames and the next thing you know, Cletus, Pooftah and Moe were warming their hands.
Moe, watching their contented faces, had a thought come to him, almost like a gift. “You see,” he said. “I told you I’d figure something out.”
They both looked askance at him. He nodded towards the fire.
“Woah, you did that?” said his two counter parts.
“Damn straight,” he said.
Even Tonduh and the ladies seemed impressed. “How?” Tonduh asked, letting go his wimmins for a second to come check out the fire.
“I, uh,” stammered Moe, looking around for inspiration. “I, well, I called upon the, uh…” He spotted a wild dog skulking in the dark shadows just outside the firelight, and his eyebrows flew upwards on his brow. “You have invoked the wrath of GOD!” he said. (Moe was dyslexic and sometimes, even when he wasn’t reading, he did stuff like that.)
“Really?” said Tonduh.
The sky flared with light and thunder rattled the night. Moe grinned. “Really,” he said.
Eustace came over and put her arm around him. “Want some cheerie-oats?” she said.
Cletus and Pooftah were on the ground before Moe, scraping and obsequious.
“Dude,” said Tonduh looking troubled. Moe couldn’t tell if Tonduh was going to grovel beside the others or punch him in the face. “If that was you, how come you never did that before?”
“You never tried to take all our wimmins,” Moe said. “You have angered God. One woman per man. That is the will of God. Those are the rules.”
“Oh,” said Tonduh. He frowned, but a rumble from the clouds silenced him. He was a big guy, but he didn’t reckon he was up to the task of messing with whatever Moe’s god was about. “Fine.” He shoved Stacy towards Cletus who leaped up and nuzzled her filthy cleavage happily.
Pooftah stood up and wiped a tear from his eye, so happy to see everyone getting along again. “This ith wonderful. I think I shall make uth a thelebratory featht.”
Everyone was content, or resigned, and bowed to Moe, vowing to follow all God’s rules for their village. Moe promised to commune with God as often as possible and convey messages according to his will. As the celebration of peace commenced, Moe glared across the fire at Pooftah enthusiastically preparing the feast. Rules would be rules.
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