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A Writer's Hero Journey...Part 6

Updated on June 4, 2012
Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka
Metamorphosis - Franz Kafka | Source

The Return…

After leaving the lake we find ourselves at an intersection of hallways. Our journey’s winding down and the most important consideration is getting Faye on her way to Burning Man. We’re headed down one of those halls, which has illuminated neon signs pointing the way.

There's a few loose ends that need to be tidied up. My elusive ‘Ultimate Boon’ is still un-located, I believe I still have a final test before I can get out of here, and my party is scattered hither and yarn across my imagination. I do not, however, anticipate that I will need Faye’s help in these matters.

“Do you feel like a writer now?” Faye asks as we move down the brightly lit hall.

I contemplate any metamorphosis that may have occurred.

“Kind of I think.” I admit, “Either way…I want to thank you for helping me along on this journey.” I tell her.

“Well you didn’t really give me a choice.” She says while smiling her enigmatic ‘Faye’ smile.

“True that…still…”

“Your welcome, Thomas. I’m glad I was able to help.”

Balance Test...
Balance Test... | Source

Final Test…

As we amble down the hall…my gay-dar starts ringing…

Ahead of us…floating across our path is a rogue forum posting that has busted out of the confines of the Forum areas.

With the salacious title, ‘IS the Gay Liberal Left Trying to Highjack our Sexuality?’ I falter and stop.

Faye continues forward before noticing me holding back. She’s standing in the middle of the posting when she looks back.

“What?” She asks.

Although I have not been using my ‘equipment’ for much more than dispensing with excess Mountain Dew lately…like the good Boy Scout I never was…I want to be prepared…

“Are you serious? How is this any less dumb then those other postings?” Faye asks after noticing the title.

The reasoning part of my brain agrees with her whole heartedly. Still…my feet hold steadfast as my intellect and penis debate the philosophical implications of this pornographic Pascal’s Wager. After all…hasn’t Creative Voice been acting pretty weird? The tights…the elf shoes…well…I kind of liked the elf shoes…what does THAT signify?

“Thomas…” Faye’s voice pushes into my mental/penis ruminations. “Thomas!”


“Do you need some help?”

“I could use an assist.” I concede.

“OK. Go for it.” She allows.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

Upon her playful nod I mentally remove the seventeen square inches of fabric that have been straining against her voluptuous body throughout our trip and look at her completely naked. I feel the stirrings of a new character in my cargo shorts. I’m not concerned about excessive dialogue…he tends towards the quiet side. I now have a new problem; however, I still can’t walk…but for an entirely different reason…

When the Forum posting realizes it holds no sway over me…it vanishes.

“So dear,” I say, “Perhaps we should say bye here?”

The entrance to Burning Man is a scant hundred yards away.

“You have a hard-on and can’t walk?” She asks.


“Well I’m glad I was able to help!” She walks back to me and we hug (I twist my hips slightly).

“Would you like your clothes back?” I inquire.

Without hesitation she replies, “What the hell for? It’s Burning Man. I’ll see you next week!” Faye walks proudly through the entrance naked as I proudly watch her walk through the entrance naked.

Internal CD player…swirl, swirl…’Brick House’.

“Oh hey…good to have you back little buddy!” I exclaim.


Reunions and Ultimate Boons…

Creative Voice comes walking up to me. He looks haggard. Scorch marks, ripped tights, sweat stains…he’s a mess. His Star Wars helmet is badly dented and the ‘curl’ on his left elf shoe was nearly completely ripped away. He’s holding a briefcase and a box of Captain Crunch.

Pointing at my crotch he asks, “So…did Faye just leave here naked or are you happy to see me?”

“Faye just left here naked.” I confirm.

“NUH-UH!” Cries out, a suddenly distraught, Creative Voice as his head begins whipping about like an unattended fire hose. “Is she coming back?? Did she mention me?”

“No. She’s at Burning Man.” I tell him. “Where did you get the Captain Crunch?”

“I got into a bad scrape in the Grammar Forums and had to escape through a secret tunnel that led out into the pirate hubs…I found it back there.” He answers as his eyes move about furtively for a glimpse of naked Faye.

“HOW DARE YOU!” I roar at him. “You dare to impugn the good Captain’s name by insinuating he cavorts with brigands!? I will have your head you cad!!”

“Calm the fuck down.” He replies blandly as he flips the box around so I can see the front. Peanut butter.

“My bad dude,” I apologize, “I thought it was the real deal. What’s in the briefcase?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t figure out the combination.”

Taking the case from him I think for a moment. I enter Faye’s phone number and the locks snap open. Opening the case…a yellow glow shines out…my Ultimate Boon.

I briefly considered leaving it at that…ala Quentin Tarantino…but I’m too excited. I reached in and lovingly stroke the neatly stacked rows of new post-it-notes pads.

“Where’s Homer?” I ask casually while admiring my new riches.

“He took off with Justin Timberlake to go clubbing.”

Things appear to be tying together nicely. Creative Voice, Internal CD player, and I go home.

Truman after a long Hero's Journey...
Truman after a long Hero's Journey...
Our new friend...Millie
Our new friend...Millie

Back in Real World Reno…

We drop Internal CD player off at the Radio Shack for servicing and I go to the store to pick up a few items. It’s agreed that Creative Voice would take a few days off and we would all meet back at my place after the Labor Day holiday.

When I get to the house I’m thrilled to see that Truman has made it home! He’s passed out on the couch and looking tore back. Suddenly, hearing sounds at the back of the house, I go and investigate. I suddenly understood why he had looked so excited earlier…

Her breed is a ‘Petite Lab’ but she appears far more lab than petite. When I first made her acquaintance she was only a butt with a tail as the rest of her was stuck in our trash can. She eventually adopted Erika and Jamie and they named her Millie.

I’m putting away the groceries when the cold fingers of dread dance up my spine. I look up to find three sinister-type looking guys, in grey fedoras standing in my kitchen.

“Who the hell are you guys?” I demand.

“Hi! We’re with Hubpages Staff and we just want to remind you that you need to complete your summary statements on your hubs!! Just a friendly reminder!”

“Oh well shit…you guy’s scared the crap out of me. I know…I know…it’s been a rough week. I’ll take care of it.”

They wish me well as I go back to putting my groceries away.

How did I forget cheese?


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