ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

An Australian Dream

Updated on June 25, 2011

Sheilas. Nearly as good as beer

Barbecues in Australia. Bring one of these please
Barbecues in Australia. Bring one of these please

Munchie table

Indoor table at barbecue.
Indoor table at barbecue.

Drunken Bikie Moles at our BBQ

These bikies rolled up on their trikes and made trouble before passing out cold on the floor.
These bikies rolled up on their trikes and made trouble before passing out cold on the floor.

The ice cold beer fountain

Australians like beer, but ....... it has to be just over frozen for the average barbecue loving Australian.

It gets real hot here in the summer, and hard working men need some relaxation time, mostly it will be with workmates around a barbecue, sharing the Australian dream.

A friend of mine is a plumber, lets call him John, because I did not say he was a good plumber, nor is he a cheap plumber, so John will do.

John has a big barbecue and a lot of plumber mates since he has also got a swimming pool which has several attractions including an array of beautiful sexy Australian females.

(the "sheilas" or females in Australia usually wear very little at any time in the summer, and even less at barbecues or swimming pools, or the beach, or.........)

This is a major attraction for John's mates.Every now and then someone will remark "geeze look at that" as some scantily clad young lady enters the pool.

Australian women are pretty sexy and extroverted generally and can handle these sort of guys by time they are teens, considering them a source of amusement when they drink and brag about themselves especially when they have "had a few" which in Australia often means pretty drunk.

The trouble with drink is often one of the male guests will say something really inappropriate about a sexy looking young woman who turns out to be the jealously guarded 17 year old daughter of someone at the barbecue or a new girlfriend of one of Johns mates,and if in earshot will get a retort from an outraged father or husband who has probably just said the same about someone else's daughter, girlfriend lover or wife! I don't know how their friendships survive all this but they seem to.

Any guys over 35 seen looking at the eye candy are identified as "dirty old bastards" in a loud raucous voice so this can be a bit off-putting for those wishing to pass comment.

The women amuse themselves watching the men get drunk for a while but get bored rather quickly as the lies get bigger they wander off to gossip.

John also has a full sized billiard and pool table in his bar room.

I should say at this point that I am not a plumber, I got invited to John's barbecue because he likes to talk about cars with me, and he hopes my son will come along to play a game or two with the boys.(My son is a state level pool player)

We've got some bloody great plumbers in Australia and some good pool players. None from either group were friends of Johns, and as my son does not need a plumber right now he does not wish to provide free lessons to a lot of drunken plumbers.

I had to go. I always have a good time at John's barbies.

Johns father used to be a plumber. These days he is typical retired tradesman. (works full time on his cars.) He has a beer gut so big he can only drive one of the five cars he has.

The old Holden Kingswood is still his daily drive. It has a huge front door and he can still get in and out of it by grabbing the roof with his over sized hand.

The seat is destroyed. Distorted and twisted, it's back bent. if you did not know John Snr. you would imagine an elephant had been driving it.

He is a big man strong at his 65th year and not to be messed with.

After he had about ten "quickies" as he likes to call cans of beer, I overheard him talking to a group of Johns plumber friends.

"Reckon yer plumbers dooya? Why avent one of youse blokes come up with a decent beer fountain for the barbecue yer lazy bastards.Yer could knock one of em up in an hour yer lazy bastards, yer can make it out of an old freezer, a cold keg of beer, a light sensitive valve like an automatic water tap switch yer lazy bastards."

He goes on a bit, so I'll try to quote him accurately so you can see the voracity of his argument for yourself.

A fountain of beer that can be accessed right from the barbecue like a dispensing machine? The old man may have something there, at least for the Australian market. You could do without the freezer for an English one, as they like their beer warm and tasting like camels piss.

"Yer could use a small three cornered bastard file to file a slit in the valve seat, it wouldn't lose much beer if you just file a small slit in the bastard ( valve seat) Yer could let a bit of beer run past the valve in to a pipe to the fountain so it would foam and dribble. Foam an dribble I said yer dirty bastards!"

"No yer dozy bastard! When yer put yer beer glass under the fountain it fills yer glass automatically and switches orf just like an automatic tap. How der yer reckon they worked? Did yer reckon the bloody fairies knew where yer hands were and turned the bloody tap on and off for yer! Yer stupid bastard"

Makes sense to me.

Make a beer fountain. Very Australian. I think I'll have another dozen "quickies" and go knock one up!

Australian women dreams of other things.

A dishwasher.

Not the kind you put dishes in. A bloke who will do dishes.

A status symbol and a major catch here in Australia. If you can get one that's been trained properly by his mom you'l be right as rain and your girlfriends will be soo jealous.

"He does the dishes!" she will scream at her friends while clasping her bent knees. "He does the dishes" she will repeat in case she was not believed the first time.This will be met again by squeels and screams of approval.

Their hard to find these dish washers. Most young Australian men have had all their needs except sex met by a doting mother long after they have left home, sort of. Young Australian men often live quite close to the "old folk" after they move out of home.

They offer explanations to their hopeful dates. "I save a lot on petrol and I don't have to buy a washing machine." are not good in the same sentence.


In our modern Australian cities many young men are becoming metrosexual to find a way around the dishes.

These guys are so clean and well groomed I have never dated a girl that looked or smelt that good!These guys must have mirrors in every room. How could you get off on a bloke who spends more on makeup than you do?

By the way these guys don't do dishes either, or much of anything in case they break a nail.

How can an Aussie sheila nest, when the choices are a cave dweller who smells like unwashed sports socks, and doesn't notice when his nose runs, or metro man who examines himself more than you and enters your bedroom checking for dust first and makeup second.

Maybe one of those imported men? They know how to treat a woman.

Maybe a devout religious man who's god will show you your place, or one of those luvly Italian ass pinchers, or a frenchman. Oo la la.

We are all the same girls, all we men are lazy with dishes. Get over it and nest with a rich bloke who will have other people do those nasty dishes for you, so you don't have to touch them ever again, nor the washing, or the cleaning etc.

A man looks good wearing money. I see men with money who are loved by women who do not seem to notice that he looks like a human swizzle stick, or a real life humpty dumpty with no personality other than what has been needed to accumulate that wonderfully sexy wealth.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • MzChaos profile image

      MzChaos 6 years ago from Indianapolis

      I almost cried I was laughing so hard. Your humor reminds me of being in Australia and the tour guide pointing out the Royal Mounted Police building - is it the RMP? Anyway, I asked him which floor they kept the horses on. He busted up laughing, stopped and looked at me serious and are joking, right? Great sense of humor in the Australians...and very compassionate, I guess that surprised me. Nice hub.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks BethanRose, I rarely read them either, but occasionally one takes my fancy. Glad you enjoyed it.

    • BethanRose profile image

      BethanRose 6 years ago from South Wales

      Lol this is great, I rarely read humorous hubs!! Keep them going!

    • profile image

      Italian Women 7 years ago

      Love the Sheilas!

    • profile image 7 years ago from Vancouver / Bangkok

      Please send me an invite when you are having your next Barbie!

    • ross670daw profile image

      ross670daw 7 years ago

      LOL. :)It's always good to see an Aussie proud to write about what is best in Australian culture. I can relate to the characters in your story totally. Big barbies, lots of amber fluid and of course some good lookin sheilas, and the odd blue. Ahh, there's nothin like it anywhere.

      Really enjoyed reading your hub, thanks mate.

    • profile image

      Older Women 7 years ago

      This is a great hub. I love Australian women... especially the beer drinking kind.

    • sameerk profile image

      sameerk 7 years ago from India

      nice hub

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks Denise. Even after two years on here I really need help with American English! I have spent a bit of time travelling in America, and learnt that you have many languages, all English! :lol:

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 7 years ago from North Carolina

      Funny! Just wasn't sure WHAT the old man was referring to when he said, 'quickies' Term means a whole lot of something else here in the states! LOL

      Great hub-great fun!

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Kangaroo, yer all over it like a rash mate!

      I reckon there is a John in every culture! Maybe a bit different in some ways, but a John nonetheless!

    • Kangaroo_Jase profile image

      Kangaroo_Jase 7 years ago from Melbourne, Australia


      Very funny hub, had me in stitches of laughter I had to go back and read it again.

      I reckon just about all us 'blokes' in our 30's and early 40's have a mate like John in our friend collection somewhere.

      Now if I can just track down a plumber for a beer fountain......

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Springboard I found your comment to be both intriguing and funny as hell! Good stuff!

    • Springboard profile image

      Springboard 7 years ago from Wisconsin

      A beer fountain certainly sounds like an enterprise worth undertaking. I think John's pop is right. Intrigued by the gorgeous lady in the bikini that keeps popping up on Earnesthubs.

      Pretty crafty, mate. ;)

      I should note, and I hope this doesn't come off as innapropriate...but, I read somewhere once that the pH for beer is the same as, well, that certain nether region of a sheila. It sort of explains our love, as men, for both.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I spent some time in your beautiful country. We share many things. Canadians are a lot like Australians, and we have many Canadians living here. Some of them amongst my best friends!

    • SomewayOuttaHere profile image

      SomewayOuttaHere 7 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

      that was good - giving me some insight into Australian men - heard about u guys over here in Canada! LOL

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hi Terced, thank you for the comment. You went to the wrong part of the pub, or a drinkers pub is my guess as most of the pubs I know are not gender segregated when I was in Adelaide last. :) Bogans are considered to be ignorant mostly as far as I know. It is not used anymore much. Things change even here! You are right about Australia, I have seen a fair bit of America and for a high tech country we are lay back by comparison. Adelaide is the heart of religiosity in Australia. The "City of Churches" as it is known is a well known religious stronghold! :)

    • terced ojos profile image

      terced ojos 7 years ago from

      Hmmmmm....Hey earnest. I didn't know you were an Aussie.

      Interesting. I spent three weeks in Adelaide there in South Australia back in 96.

      I went to "Mackers;" Aussies kept asking me if I had tried the "butterfish"....LOL. Oh yeah and the pubs are gender segregated. Which for me as a Yank was different. See in the states men often go to a bar to meet women. In Australia men and women seperate completely. It kinda tickled me. The Aussies were really gracious and patient with me when I asked them about their culture. It was cool. (SMILE)

      Oh my. Beautiful women. Very gracious people; very nice for the most part.

      I remember thinking how Australians had all of the technological amenities and yet still seemed to retain an old world charm and a village kind of hospitality.

      I had actually considered moving there. In general very sweet people.

      Oh and lots of them are well acquainted with my beloved "Sky-Fairy" whom you have a great disdain for. (SMILE)

      Hey earnest can you explain to me in more specific terms what a "bogan" is. I couldn't really get an adequate explanation or something that would be it's equivalent here in the states. I believe it's something equivalent to "low class" or "poor and uneducated." When I was in Australia one of the people I was with had to run out of a department store after being heard to call a group of people "bogans"

      In any case mate. How u goin?



    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      You will love the country too!

    • simplyjo profile image

      simplyjo 8 years ago

      Gee.. I'd love to visit Aussy someday.. My sis is there and keeps calling me over ! Time to drop in. Love di hub.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      So true! Especially in Melbourne's winter. We still have Darwin and Tropical Queensland though!

    • profile image

      aquaseaCreative 8 years ago

      LOL It's WINTER - aussie sheilas are wearing plenty!!

      Sorry to spoil your australian dreams.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Funny ht3rad! Very funny!

    • ht33rad profile image

      ht33rad 8 years ago from Southern Hemisphere, a little to the left.

      LOL earnest, what a cack! I know what you're trying to do... you are trying to lead them AStray, Liana!!!

      Thanks Warra...tah!!!

    • Sailaway profile image

      Sailaway 8 years ago from Australia

      It all sounds so familiar... coulda been in my backyard...

      Put me down for a fountain, Bunnings have them?

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you apeksha.

    • apeksha profile image

      apeksha 8 years ago from India.

      My favourite Indian actor's name is also John...but Abraham...

      thanks...nice n true story...

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you prasetio30.

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 8 years ago from malang-indonesia

      I really know kind of Australian life style by your HUB. thanks for share with us.It open my eyes.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I wish I did know her!

      Which nail? Not on the ring finger I hope! I don't know how you coped!

    • kea profile image

      kea 8 years ago

      Do you know that Sheila? I was hoping for more pictures :) Great info, especially on the Metros. I broke a nail earlier and I'm still pouting about it.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I will look for that one, I have not seen it, but then again Australia is bloody huge, and I have not seen all of it. Australia is very multi-cultural, so the food is great too. You would be a most welcome visitor to oz.

    • GeneriqueMedia profile image

      GeneriqueMedia 8 years ago from Earth

      I'll keep that in mind. ;)

      I long to visit your country. A woman once told me there was a place in Australia she visited where a governmental building was built underground and had a plaque reading something to the effect of...

      "This stands as a testament that all politicians are below the people they stand for" or something of that sort. Its been yeeeears, so I don't quite remember the whole thing. But there's just one reason I'd love to visit you guys.


    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      And peace be with you GLM. We are a strange mob down here, but the women are fantastic!

    • GeneriqueMedia profile image

      GeneriqueMedia 8 years ago from Earth

      In fact, I'm subliminally linking it to this Hub. =)

      Hope it drives you more traffic. =)



    • GeneriqueMedia profile image

      GeneriqueMedia 8 years ago from Earth

      Shielas... you know, this Hub in particular introduced me to that Aussie term. There's a character in TGC (a GPS) that I renamed in your honor. Just thought I'd let you know. ;)



    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you rabravo. I would love to visit your beautiful country, but for now I will just say G'day from downunder.

    • rabravo profile image

      rabravo 8 years ago

      Excellent article! Congratulations from Argentina! I love to hear from Australia!

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I'm off to read now! Thanks ajcor

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      we laugh like drains when we read about Les Norton's antics  and I think you have inbibed some of his flavour - go read...and more stories please - really liked this hub...cheers

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Very funny agvulpes. We could use the tourist dollars, and goodness knows we could use the cultcha.

      adjor, Thank you so much for comparing me with the great Bob G Barrett.

      I read a little of his great serial character Les Norton ages ago, and will do so again to find out what you think I am doing right!

      I do not know if this hub will get enough traffic yet but if it does, I have hundreds of similar stories.

      Amanda Severn. You won't glean too much about modern contemporary Australia from my little story, and "Neighbors" provides a fairly good look at parts of suburbia but it is still odd to me that "true blue" Aussies like John and his dad still speckle the "burbs of all our major cities like some strange throw backs to a pre internet species.

      You can sometimes pick them from their homes, which usually look pretty lived in and from the number of old cars surrounding their houses.

      Don't get me started on the Australian bush. The bush is overflowing with odd characters.

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 9 years ago from UK

      Wonderful. I would never have gleaned so much about the Australian way of life just from watching Neighbours (Harold does the dishes, doesn't he? Or is he a Pom?)

    • ajcor profile image

      ajcor 9 years ago from NSW. Australia

      Love this hub - so very down to earth and basic - even enlightening & it could be the very stuff of Robert G Barrett - check him out if you haven't read and laughed at his appalling aussi anti social and politically incorrect antics ....cheers

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 9 years ago from Australia

      Hey c'mon mate, you will have all those people coming over here and getting in on the action!

      On the other hand they more than likely think your making it all up and being paid by the Australian Tourist board to get more tourists.

      Well they will just have to come and see won't they!

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 9 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks SiddSingh, yes there are a lot of characters in Australia as everywhere and John Snr. is certainly one of them.

    • SiddSingh profile image

      SiddSingh 9 years ago

      Hi. Amazing insights into the Australian way of life:D . I would love to learn more.

      Especially about John the Plumber's father!