ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Captain Condescending

Updated on September 16, 2011
Captain Condescending
Captain Condescending | Source

No, wait — let me correct that. This is not just Captain Condescending looming before you. Rather, this is the Honorable Curtess Mayfair Smoot Condescending, Fourteenth Lord of Dumfro, Captain of Her Royal Majesty’s Sovereign Foot Guard, Ranking Officer of The Worcestershire and Sherwood Foresters Standing Regiment (29th/45th Foot), Bearer of the Thistle and Fawn Medallion, as well as the Holeroyd Ribbon, and Holder of the Keys to the Queen’s Pool House Privies and Storerooms.

(After all, how do you expect him to rise to his truly towering heights of condescension if you don’t get his complete title correct from the start?)

Though the glowering Captain owns up to no more than 82 and one half years of wear and tear upon his broadly leonine skull, I’d swear this guy has to have been around since the heyday of Charles Dickens — the mid-1800s — considering the extremely caricatured and dramatic and oh-so-bloody-Rule-Brittania! demeanor and priggish rectitude he perpetually projects. (Not only that, but his musty and fusty garb must surely date from a previous century or earlier!)

It is never quite enough for C.C. to begin spouting Latin or Greek or even Aramaic mid-sentence, fully expecting you to be able to follow along. Oh, no, not by a long toss, old sport. Begin a discussion on the philosophical pronouncements of Aristotle, and before you can get out a word or two on human motivation as a lens of reality, he’s already interrupting, tossing in bits of Abelard, obscure theories of William Ernst Hocking, and — for good measure — some forgotten scribblings of Taisen Deshimaru.

Compliment him on his fine Spode bone china tea set, and he will pointedly note that you happen to be using the wrong spoon (and are grasping it incorrectly to boot). Mention your recent week among the tourist attractions of Rome, and he’ll be off on reminiscences of personally caressing the original etchings that comprised Piranesi’s famed Roman Antiquities of the Time of the First Republic and the First Emperors (Antichita Romane de’ tempo della prima Repubblica e dei primi imperatori), while touring the famed engraver’s home and studio as a young man.

The man is most insufferable.

I recently had the misfortune of mentioning in his presence my interest in the taxonomy of classification of flora, particularly certain fruiting plants. Several hours later, after an endless lecture about taxons, ontological rigor, fruiting bodies versus seedpods, and a lengthy aside on the peculiar pollinating strategies of several subspecies of Bombus terrestris (the common bumblebee), I roused myself from stupefied somnolence to crystallize in my mind how many ways I’d love to kill the man!

Which is why, though the learned Captain is considered by virtually one and all to be an authority on a vast array of esoteric topics, he has been bounced from one pedagogical setting to the next. After the University College of London had had their fill of him, he managed to secure a spot at Cambridge. For merely one term. Oxford was next — less than a full term. Princeton gave the man a spin for almost four months, before sending him packing along to Harvard. Harvard saw the light in just weeks, and it was back to London and the Imperial College for C.C. Fortunately, the man has circulated a thousand or so curriculum vitae to the next several hundreds of prestigious universities the globe ‘round.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, lundmusik, don't worry about offending the Cap'n, though. In today's society, pretension goes a long way (think politicians, actresses, couture heads, pundits, your o'erweening neighbor, etc.).

    • lundmusik profile image

      lundmusik 

      6 years ago from Tucson AZ

      wow,, i won't share this with the captain when i see him next !! LOL,, sounds like a real phony character

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)