The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 1

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The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 1

Opening scene at the MI6 Headquarters, housing the Secret Intelligence Services of Great Britain.

(It's at Vauxhall Cross along from the Albert Embankment with the tube station nearby.)

Based on a confidential memo passed to Weakyleaks by a mole in the British Security Services.

Inside an office overlooking the Thames is Spymaster codename 'M' (played by Annie Lennox).

She is wating for her secretary Miss Moneypenny (Kathy Burke) to announce the arrival of super secret agent James Bond 007 (Bryan Ferry)

"Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump!!!!!!"

"What the devil is all that racket?" said 'M' to herself as she sat in her office in MI6 Headquarters.

"Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump!!!!!!"

She put down her pen in exasperation and breathed a frustrated sigh.

"Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump!!!!!!"

"Bzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!", came the sound as she pressed her intercom button, "Miss
Moneypenny......................Miss Moneypenny.............. MISS MONEYPENNY!!......ARE YOU THERE!!!"

"Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump Thump!!!!!!"

Receiving no reply and driven to distraction, she eventually got up from behind her desk.

She walked into the ante-room to investigate the noise, which strangely had suddenly stopped as she opened the connecting door.

"Moneypenny!! Where are you?" she shouted.

"Here ah, I am, ah, ma'am" said Moneypenny as her face appeared from under her desk, her face was unusually flushed and her hair slightly unkept and tousled.

"What are you doing down there, and why didn't you answer?" 'M' enquired,

"Sorry, ma'am, I ah, didn't hear you, I've ah, ah, got a problem with em' em' sticky drawers"

"Well! phone for the joiner then for God's sake and get back to your work" demanded 'M'
"Yes ma'am" said Moneypenny
"You probably need some tighter screws" 'M' advised
"I wouldn't say that" Moneypeny replied
"What?"
"I'll phone the joiner"

'M' returned to her office but before closing the door behind her she turned and said,

"Oh! and Moneypenny, 007 is very late. When he eventually decides to display himself, invite him straight in please, with none of your usual shilly-shallying"
"Consider it done ma'am" Moneypenny replied.
No sooner had 'M' sat down when there was a knock at the door,
"Come in!" she said,
The door opened and the figure of James Bond appeared, Naval Commander, secret-agent, superhero, 3-times Olympic gold medallist and overall a thoroughly good egg.
"Ah! Bond, glad you could make it" said 'M' sarcastically, "Not chatting up
Moneypenny today then?"
"Not today ma'am" Bond replied "Straight down to business"
'M' gave him a disapproving glare and beckoned him to take a seat.

"I enjoyed your little pantomime on 'Ski Sunday' yesterday", she said.

"Actually, it was 'Match of the Day' I was on" Bond corrected

"Whatever", said 'M' waving aside his remark, "I don't know why I pay my license fee, the BBC is full of rubbish these days, but, indeed 007, right down to business, Now! How much do you know about 'Chinese Democracy?'

"Well!" Bond pondered ....It went out the window about 60 years ago did it not?"
"Don't be impertinent 007" 'M' snapped sharply, "I'm not talking about 'Mao Tse bloody Tung', you know very well what I mean"
"Of course ma'am, I believe it's a new music album by that American band Guns n' Roses, still not seen the light of day yet"
"Correct", 'M' replied "It's been in the pipeline for about 13 years now"
"Yes" said Bond "I hear that Axl Rose chap is a bit of a perfectionist on that score"

"Tish, tosh and tommyrot!!" countered 'M', "It's nothing to do with any that artistic prima donna nonsense. The reality is the CIA have conducted numerous covert sabotage operations to stop this disc being released to the public"
"Really?" said Bond "And why are the CIA interested in a silly Rock album?"
"This is no silly Rock album 007", replied 'M' "This is a threat to Western civilisation, or what's left of it, the very fabric of society, including ours and that's why we share the Americans concerns"

"Can't they handle it themselves?" asked Bond,
"Obviously not" said 'M', "Thirteen years later and still no major breakthrough. They want your expertise 007, you’re the only man for the job. We need to get our hands on the Master Disc and destroy it. In fact things are now reaching crisis level as intelligence reports suggest this thing is about to be unleashed before the end of the year"
"Which year?" asked Bond
"THIS BLOODY YEAR!!" 'M' roared, springing from her chair.

Bond looked at her but remained unflustered, as the stoic and phlegmatic English chap that he was, but inside he was thinking,

 'Gosh, I love it when she's domineering like that'

On the outside he just condescended to her frustrated rage, nodded his head slowly and said;

"Yes ma'am, of course"
'M' calmed herself and returned to her seat.
"So, what is the danger from this disc that is such a threat?" asked Bond,
"In a word" said 'M', "Backward messages"
"That's two words" replied Bond.

The look on her face convinced Bond that 'M' was in no mood for jokes, he glanced up at the calendar and did some mental arithmetic.

"As I said 007, backward messages. This Master Disc is believed to be impregnated with treacherous backward messages and the CIA are convinced it's part of a major worldwide conspiracy to corrupt and confuse our minds"
"But the Americans are always going on about that rubbish"
"Yes I know that, but this time they're not up in arms about Beelzebub and the dark hordes of Hades, they're sure there's more earthly forces behind this"
"Al-Quaeda?" Bond ventured,

"Let me ask you a question 007. Where there any Arabs chasing you down that hill in Val-d'Isère?"
"No!"

"No! Of course not" said 'M' "It's the Chinese we're worried about"
"Ah-ha, I see" said Bond
"Yes, you see" 'M' nodded, that unnerving glare had returned to her eyes.

"Let me ask you another question 007"
"Yes ma'am"
"What the hell do you think you're doing bonking my secretary?”

Bond was momentarily flustered
"Ermm, em, I don't know what you mean em, em, 'M'"
"Don't em, em 'M' me!" snapped 'M', "I'm not a Masterspy for nothing, and nothing gets past me"
"Do you know you've dried egg on your tie" Bond said,
"What do you see in that trollope!!" asked 'M'
"Calm down, she'll hear you"
"I DON'T CARE!!" 'M' shouted back, "How long have we known each other 007? 40-odd years, and you've never shown the slightest inkling"
"It's a line I never wanted to cross" Bond explained,
"Well I feel like bloody crossing it", said 'M', whirling round the desk and sitting on the edge in front of Bond.

"You know 007, you're not getting any younger, you can't go swanning about the globe forever dropping your breeches at the first opportunity",
"No problems so far, ma'am"
"Oh Yeah?, well just you wait mister, it'll get so that one day you won't be able to get them back on again ..... Look! I can do you a real favour 007, I can open doors, get you a nice promotion, a fancy office, membership of the club. You do right by me and I'll do right by you"

"I really think we should keep things on a strictly professional basis" Bond insisted,
"You just don't fancy me, do you?" moaned 'M'
"No, it's not that" said Bond
"What is it then?" she asked.

Bond shuffled uncomfortably in his seat,
"Well .....you know.....you've had that operation"
"My hip is perfectly fine now, I'll have you know, and it can certainly take anything that you could throw at it"
"Ermm....no........it's not that operation........you know.........the other one.....the conversion job"
"For God's sake Bond, this is the 21st Century, drag yourself out of the past and broaden your chauvinistic mind. I'd hoped you were a new man" said 'M'
"And you're a new woman" Bond replied

"I'm as good a woman as you'll find anywhere, don't you find me attractive?" she asked
"It's not that, it just wouldn't work ma'am" said Bond
"Why not?"
"I just ahh, think if we were....you know ahh,.....on intimate terms......I wouldn't be able to erm....."
"Wouldn't be able to what?" demanded 'M' her eyes narrowing,
"I would ah, ah.......I wouldn't be able to...em... get out of my head....ah....a picture of when you were a man"

'M' closed her eyes and lowered her chin to her chest,
"Look sir, I mean ma'am", said Bond "I really think we should get back to the matter in hand"

'M' began to unbutton her coat
"No really ma'am, I don't think this is a good idea" said Bond

"Oh piss off, Bond" 'M' snapped, "I'm not going to touch you" as she reached inside her jacket and took out a disc,

"I have a rough copy of the CD that the CIA managed to get hold off. Listen to this"

She put it into her stereo system and pressed the button, a voice came over the
speakers....
"....and Mrs Bumblysmith of Bedford writes in to ask if we can we wish her hubby a happy 75th birthday..."
"What the devil?" said 'M',
"It's Terry Wogan" Bond explained, "You've pressed the wrong button, you've got Radio 2",
"Oh bugger this" hissed 'M', "Where's the CD button?" she asked herself as she peered over the device
".....'Tape', 'Tuning', 'Aux'" she complained "What the bloody hell does 'Aux' mean anyway?....Ah! here it is"

Loud rock music erupted from the speakers,
"Hold on" said 'M' "That doesn't sound right, it's the wrong song"

She looked at the display, "It says 'Track 4', I wanted 'Track 1', why is it playing 'Track 4'?"
"You've got it on shuffle ma'am" offered Bond helpfully,
"Damn this infernal machine!!" snapped 'M' "If it's not playing the wrong tune it's giving me Terry bloody Wogan, don't know why I pay my license fee....Right!! I think I've got it now"

The first song on the disc played on the system. After several minutes 'M' said,

"So! Can you hear anything Bond?"
"No" he said
"Of course not, but wait till I play it backwards" said 'M'

'M' hovered over the stereo for about 30 seconds with a puzzled expression on her face and her directionless finger floating aimlessly in the air.

"OK!!, 007, you're so bloody smart, how do I play it backwards?
"You can't ma'am" said Bond,
"What do you mean I can't?" asked 'M',
"Well!, You just can't, they're not designed for it, it's not like the old days of LPs" he explained and added with a glint in his eye, "This is the 21st Century after all".

'M' looked at her letter-opener and for that brief, fleeting instant she imagined it impaled in 007's skull. She took out the CD, gave it to Bond and ushered him out with the order,

"Take it down to the lab and give it to 'Q', he'll know what to do with it but get back up here double-quick, you've a flight to catch to Las Vegas in a few hours"

Bond's eyes lit up,

"Don't get carried away 007" said 'M', "Times are hard and you'll keep the expenses down"
"Why Las Vegas?" asked Bond
"I'll explain when you get back" 'M' replied
Bond left, closing the door behind him, 'M' could then hear Moneypenny giggling through the wall,

"It's a man's world right enough" she sighed.

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