ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Clenched Butt Behind the 8-Ball

Updated on December 14, 2019

The Urethrostomy Manoeuvre

In a few months it will be winter once more. The snow shovelling season and the Old Fart's Winter Pool League will soon be here.

The ‘C’ league, which is the official name for the Old Farts League, is no longer. Too many of us have shuffled off or are recovering from major surgery. The survivors – of whom I am one - have been moved up to the ‘B’ League. This is an exponential leap. The members in the ‘B’ league can actually play pool; they are the type of players who say things like ‘I’ll try a cross-side double with the 4 and the 11, ’ and then have the audacity to finish the manoeuvre perfectly before I’ve even identified the balls which to me are simply either striped or not striped.

When I turned up at the Rack-Em-Up Billiard Hall for my first match of the season, I was greeted by jeers and shouts of Jesus; you had the nerve to come back?’ The owner of the hall told me that I would be playing a different opponent.

“Huh! Mark decided to give me a by because he knows how good I am, that’s it, isn’t it?”

Not quite. He sat down to watch television last night and died, just like that.” There wasn’t a lot I could say to that bombshell, even although I was dying to ask what programme had killed him.

His 85 year old league replacement was dragged out of convalescence and moaned loudly about the pins in his elbow and his broken left wrist as he trounced me. He then had the cheek to say that ‘he used to be a good player.’

My second match, and perhaps my last, was against another ‘B’ class player who had major surgery during the summer. He was about my age, and seemed to be in good health. The matches for the ‘B’ division are held on Tuesday mornings at 10.00. This time I thought I would get to the hall sooner than my usual 9.59 arrival. I would turn up at 9.30 and have a couple of games of practice so that I might at least win one game.

When I did turn up I explained my strategy to the halls’ owner. “Your opponent is outside having a cigarette and he’s been here since 8.30. Some of these guys practically live here.” So much for strategy. The procedure for the matches is that we have a couple of warm-up games; the winner of the second game breaks first in the 15 game matches.

I won both of the warm up games and was feeling confident until my opponent’s buddies came over to congratulate him on his recovery from surgery. That was when I made my big mistake – I asked him what his surgery had been, thinking by the conversations I’d overheard that it would turn out to be prostate cancer.

They cut my penis off,” he stated, making scissor like movements at his crotch.

“Yea, right,” I laughed as I readied myself for the first break of the match. The break was perfect; one of the best I’d done. It was to be my last decent shot. As my opponent contemplated the spread of balls on the table he carried on explaining.

“Mmm, the cancer was at the base of my penis; they cut it out but it was a very aggressive type and it returned within weeks. The only answer was to cut my dick off." As he continued, he spread his legs wider and made a slicing motion from back to front beneath his groin.

“I had to have a slit opened up down here of course. But it’s a bit of a pain in the ass having to sit down like a woman to pee.

He beat me 10 to zero. As we shook hands after the game, he apologised. “My operational procedure is known as Urethrostomy. I should have told you that when you asked.”

“I wouldn’t have known what you were talking about,” I shrugged.

“Exactly,” he said. “You might have concentrated and beat me. But by giving you some of the graphic details I freaked you out. You did very well considering that your scrotum was in suicidal sucked-up mode and touching your clenched butt. Were you aware that as you were setting up for each shot your legs were crossed?”

The 15 balls, plus cue ball, ready for the game of 8 ball.
The 15 balls, plus cue ball, ready for the game of 8 ball. | Source

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)