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Confessions of a healing heart

Updated on May 19, 2011

When I love someone I give them my all and he was the first person I had surrendered my heart & soul to. Like anyother love story mine began on the same note-friendship blossomed into a beautiful feeling called 'love' and everything else went on fine, pretty much like it does at every beginning.

My head was in a swirl and my feet refused to touch the ground. I loved him with sincerity. Believing like anyother teenager that someday I would be able to hold him in my arms forever and would be able to scream and tell the world that he was mine & only mine. I had dreamt of us travelling the whole world together, holding hands & walking on the shores of the beaches with a smile on our faces. I had dreamt of a life where everything had 'him' in it.

With the utmost honesty and loyalty of a 14yr old, I had accepted him as my life. But being as naive as I was, I was oblivious to the golden rule of life : "ALL DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!!!". I was unaware of the fact that more often than not, your first love turns out to be just a thing of the past. I was positive and determined to somehow make it last. I had this perfect picture in my head of us, getting blissfully married and living happily ever after..To sum it up: I was head over heels in love with this guy. But destiny or fate or whatever you call it as, had other plans in store for me.

The truth happened to be that the boy I was dreaming about, had never loved me at all. The boy, I had considered my life, had asked me out just out of curiosity. In other words, he had asked me out just to learn how the 'game of love' was played.. The truth shattered all my dreams and brought me back to reality. That left me completely devastated & drained me of all emotions. I was turned into a cold stone from a dreamer. A stone to the rest of the humanity yet vulnerable to the guy who had killed the feelings within me. A sudden pang of hatred took the place of love and I loathed every single person or thing, dead or alive, which had anything to do with love. But no, I could never bring myself to hate him. I never understood why, but the reason for my hatred for love & companionship could and would never be hated by this foolish heart of mine.

He said the usual 'Lets be friends' dialog & I accepted it, for the fear of losing him completely. But the question here is "Were we or rather, Are we actually friends?" I guess not!! There is this hesitation between us and whole set of rules thats never there between 'real' friends. We barely speak to eachother and when we do we are always careful with the words, so that we don't end up hurting each other. There are questions I've never asked him, which usually begins with the "Why me?" trance, but I guess I can never bring myself to ask them. Not because He wouldn't answer, but because I am afraid of the unknown answers. I'm afraid of confronting the truth.

Its been 4yrs since we broke up or rather since I was dumped,yet there doesn't go a night when I don't think about him before closing my eyes. There hasn't gone a day where I haven't woken up to wish good morning to his photograph. No guy or man after him, has succeded to hold my interest for more than a second(thats a record!).

To make matters worse I longed for him more and more with each passing day. I convinced myself that someday, He would return to me & take me into his arms & swear to be true to me. But since 4yrs have passed and I've mourned the break up anniversary,I know better now than to lie and decieve my own self. I have realised that everything you desire and wish for,doesn't necessarily become yours, just because you want it to.. I've learnt my lesson the hard way. I know now that the person you love doesn't have to love you back, love is what you feel and cannot be enforced into or upon.

Having said the above, I have also realised that I need to move on and put the ghosts of my past behind. But every time I think of letting go, my hands hold on even more tighter to him and his memories. Its like a drowning man clinging on a log for his life. I'm afraid of making new memories and hence keep playing the same old one's in my mind. I'm afraid because anything 'new' wouldn't have 'him' in it.

They say ttime is the greatest healer and that it would help you let go and honestly I've seen people move on with time. But in my case, its just the contrary- Time makes it even more excruciating to let go of him. They say "Out of sight is out of mind" and honestly to check out if the above saying works- I haven't seen him for all these years, yet his picture in my head is crystal clear. But since I've accepted that I 'can't' be with him and that he 'won't' be with me, I've decided its time I did the impossible: "let go & moved on." As chicken as it may sound but yes, the word 'letting go' itself is scarring the hell outta me! I'm not sure how to do it..I don't know the way either. I'm totally and completely unaware of the path that could heal my heart. But I think I need to take a few steps in the dark, stumble and find my way to the light.

Well now why am I writing this instead of jumping into action and cutting all the strings attached? Because I think this is my first step of letting him go.. As I've never confessed all the above things written in here to any person whatsoever, let alone to the guy who is the main protagonist of my life's story or even to the girl who stands in the mirror daily, I thought I would begin by doing just that..

To all my Friends- Yes, I fell in Love though none of you would believe it, even if I stand on the edge of a mountain,ready to jump just to make you believe it.

To the world- I know you may call me a fool for hanging onto something that was long lost, but I believe you can never actually get over something you truly loved, for 'love' is not something you have any control on.

Finally to the guy who made me realise what love was, who made me who I am today, who made me stronger- I don't know what you are going to think about me after reading this, I don't know if You would ever wanna talk to me again or if you would ever forgive me for writing about this whole thing, I just had to let you know of the things I would never be able to confess directly. You were and will always be a very special person to me, no matter what. And finally the main reason I wrote this article or hub was because I'm confused. I'm confused about the whole friendship thing. Do you honestly think we can be friends after all? Don't you think its time we quit running round in circles and end the whole thing and take on our complete different journey? Its a decision I cannot make alone..

P.S- I'll love you forever but this is Me moving on...

© Copyright Hajira Ehsan


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    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from India,bangalore

      @Maggs- Thank You Maam for your advice and wise words.. Means alot to me..

      Take care

      @Resspenser- U r right Spenser. Though I will never forget him I've moved on and have finally put the past behind.

      Now his memories bring a smile on my face instead of tears and I'm glad I can remember him without any kinda bitterness..

      Thank u for stopping by..

    • resspenser profile image

      Ronnie Sowell 

      7 years ago from South Carolina

      I don't think you will ever forget this guy. But that does not mean "game over". The best for you is yet to come. Trust me, all that will be left of the first guy are the fond memories..........

    • maggs224 profile image


      7 years ago from Sunny Spain

      I agree with most of the comments you have received but I will just add one more thing and that is be careful what you feed.

      The feelings of hurt, pain, anguish, along with the inability to move on and to let go all grow stronger every time you feed them.

      Looking on the photograph each day and talking to it will feed all these negative feelings meditating on the pain you feel and how hard it is to move on will not help you but only feed the negative feelings.

      If you allow your feelings to dictate the way you live, your life you will be led a merry dance (this is an English saying that means in your case you will be led by the strong feelings of hurt pain betrayal and longing for an illusion)

      By an act of will you can begin to move in a different direction, which you seem to have begun doing by sharing your thoughts and feelings in this hub. Choosing to do something different and believe something different will not change the negative feelings overnight but I can guarantee that the more you say I can and I will and refuse to accept all these negative thoughts and feelings it will not be long before your feelings begin to change direction too.

      You can see by my white hair that I have been around a lot longer than you have, and I have seen this happen many times. You have made a great start so continue to take charge of your life. Change what you do not like in your life and embrace what you do.

      Do not lock love out of your life, whatever you love you become vulnerable to and can be hurt by, but that is the way it always is you can’t have one without the other, but it is always worth it.

      Do not give hate or bitterness any place in your heart they are poison. Keep on loving and living life to the full make your mind up to live everyday as happily as you can, be kind to everyone even those who are not kind to you determine for yourself how you want to live your life don’t let your feeling dictate to you.

      From the start you have already made by writing this hub I think that you will be experiencing many happy days in the not too distant future.

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      Will, You are such a sweetheart!! Thanks for being so lovely and for being there for me. The emotions that took over while reading your comment,are unexplainable! Whenever I'm down I'm gonna come here and read your words that always make me feel a thousand times better.

      And yes, Cathy(Astra Nomik) & Cassy(Cheeky Girl) are truly incredible. Anyone who wouldn't take there advice would be a fool.

      Enjoy your weekend, Will.

      Take care :))

    • bbnix profile image


      7 years ago from Southern California

      We all should pay very close attention to what Cathy and Cassy have to say - they are quite incredible...

      Sound like your coming around Ms. C'...

      And I'm going to periodically show up and check on you..that goofy bear hug is always yours to enjoy - when you least expect it and most need it, I might add, my dear friend...

      See ya'... ;)

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      You are absolutely Right Astra Nomik or do you prefer being called as Cathy?

      Having loved someone with everything you've got and seeing them walk away is unbearable. When its time to move on & u do everything u can to let go of that person yet your love for them just doesn't seem to fade away, It feels like an impossible deed.

      Its true I'm young and just one person shouldn't have this kinda effect on me but I just can't help it! Maybe as time passes by I'll see things in a more appropriate way.

      The way you put it, I almost feel ready to put the demons of my past where they belong..

      Thanks for your advice and for showing me the way :)

      Take care and enjoy the weekend :))

    • Astra Nomik profile image

      Cathy Nerujen 

      7 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

      I was very moved by your account of your ex and how you are moving on. Loving the man forever but saying to move on is hard. I think we never really ever move on until we are over the person first. I found that in some relationships, the half-love thing of still having feelings for them long after we had parted. Memories do linger. You are 18 and your whole life is ahead of you, you should not be feeling such feelings of loss.

      My partner has this amazing saying..." feel the fear and do it anyway..." It perhaps applies in your case, Hajira. Being afraid to move forward would mean closing the door on past ghosts, and that is so very hard to do. But you should feel the fear and move on somehow. Best wishes.

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      Awww, Will..! Thank you soooo much for it.. I badly needed one..

      A bear hug back to you :)

    • bbnix profile image


      7 years ago from Southern California

      How about a big dummy bear hug...=)

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      @Paul- Its true, all the experiences will help me become a better person but sometimes this pain and heartache becomes unbearable and that's when I wish for all of it to stop. Maybe tomorrow would be better than today,,but when living today has become impossible, how do you hope for a better tomorrow? I know one shouldn't be so negative about life but I wish I could & yet fail to see things in a better way,given the circumstances.

      Thanks for your support & wise words..

      Take care :))

    • Plarson profile image


      7 years ago from Alabama

      Case- No words I could write here would ease your pain. Actually, I don't think that is what you are after anyways. You are just wanting to begin to heal, and feel admiting "out loud" you loved with all you were, and yet fell short, is the first step towards that. You will find, as time passes on, ALL your experiences will shape and mold you into an ever evolving person. Only other thing I can add is, in order to live life, you have to go out and live it. -Paul

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      Dear Adi,

      Every love story may not blossom with friendship but mine did! And a lover becoming your friend is more often than not an impossible thing.. If u don't agree with me on the above point plz visit this hub by Twilight Lawns


    • profile image

      Adi !! 

      7 years ago

      EHHH..." Like anyother love story mine began on the same note-friendship blossomed into a beautiful feeling called 'love' "..i Dont agree..nt every Love story Blossoms with Friendship!!!..but many A tImes...ur Love later on becomes ur friend :)

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      I guess you are right..!! It does make us stronger and help us mould into better humans..

      The ability to love and to love sincerely is a gift bestowed on very few and when we've got tat gift of being able to love deeply,I guess being dumped doesn't matter anymore.'Coz We are not at the losing end.. I get it now..

      Thanks for helping me figure it out and for all the endless support...

    • bbnix profile image


      7 years ago from Southern California

      Life is complex, my dear friend. There are a multitude of reasons people act as they do. Be true to your heart. Feel for them. We all have intolerable loss. It makes you who you are - stronger having been through it and wiser having lived with it.

      But I want you to remember this, you are not alone. We stand by your side at this exquisite sunrise lit precipice of your future...

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      Ur story makes me sad and raises a few questions in my mind as to y does the person we love so much end up hurting us? When we take years to get over them and still find it painful, how can they get over us in a day or two?

      I'm sorry u had to face the heartbreak and go thru the pain for soo many years, But I'm glad u found peace and love in your soul mate..

      Lookin at the way things shaped out for u at the end, i'm filled with hope too..

      Thanks for sharing your experience with me,, its showing me the light that I thought I would never see..

      Take care :))

    • bbnix profile image


      7 years ago from Southern California

      I'm belated I know Ms.'case, but I have a similar story of pain to relate with a happy resolution.

      I was married to my first love at 19, and for many reasons, one year later, she left me. I was devastated, and now, 33 years later, it is still quite painful. I tried to be friends, but that only made the pain worse.

      What I did, perhaps too needfully, I moved away from her, putting a thousand miles between us, and spent every spare moment trying to find someone else.

      It seemed hopeless. I went from one casual encounter to another, but I kept up my search, and then one night with a friend, I saw her. She was the most beautiful woman I ever saw, and she was talking to me - me, the big dummy I was (and still am). We dated and I think I asked her to marry me after a couple months, but she said no. So, patiently (and I'm not a patient person), I dated her for five years, and finally, she agreed to marry me - that was 28 years ago next month.

      The point is - move on, find your mate. He's out there, but remember, your first love inevitably becomes you first love lost, and that, my friend, makes your real lifelong relationship to come possible at all...never give up hope that your true soul mate is out there, but you have to make it happen!!

    • Cracknutcase profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from India,bangalore

      @Micky- I wish I could get off the floor just like the way u have.. I'm sorry to hear that u have been through similar situation.. Honestly I myself don't understand the word 'love' anymore.. But I guess as time passes we'll find our way back..

      Thanks for all the support. It means a great deal to me..

      Take care ;-)

      @Twilight- He has killed the feeling of love within me and not just the love I felt towards him but love in general.Why else would I feel the way I do?

      10years is a long time to hold on to the pain, I can imagine what it must've bin like for u and I truly hope my past stops haunting me...

      Thanks again for always giving me the right advice..

      Keep smiling always ;)

      @Will- You are so right Will. The inexperienced, naive child in us creates a picture of the prince charming and a happily-everafter and dreams it to life. And when harsh reality unfolds itself we turn into disbelievers. Nevertheless it hurts like hell..

      I wish your words come true and this ocean of hurt and pain just vanishes away...

      Thank you for stopping by and for your words of endless comfort..

      Have a great day..

      @Kannan- There is a huge difference between real and reel life, I'm sure u agree with me.. It was easy for Kareena Kapoor to ask shahid to flush the photograph away and perhaps on screen it did look like an easy and simple thing. But believe me it isn't as easy and as effective as it appears to be.. I've tried it and instead of feeling better, it made me feel much more worse..

      Thanks for the advice though.

      @Truckstop- First of all, thanks for your kind words..

      I agree with you that a master plan is set for each of us, but since there is darkness as far as I can see, it makes me wonder if darkness is what the master plan is all about..

      When you've had your heart ripped apart and when nothing seems to make you get over the hurt, you tend to build walls all around you..

      Thanks again for stopping by..

      May the Master Planner help us find the right path..


    • Truckstop Sally profile image

      Truckstop Sally 

      7 years ago

      I agree with the other comments here. You have a sensitive and lovely soul. I believe there is a grand master plan for all of us. Yes, guard your heart, but also be willing to let love come in again.

    • kannanwrites profile image

      Kannan Reddy 

      7 years ago from Mumbai

      I think the situation you are in happens to everyone. It happened to me, might have happened to one who reads this. Yes, I was in it for four years. It's sad that you are going through it, I feel for you.

      For the photograph that you have of him, why not go the Jab We Met way, just flush him.

      Sorry if the last line hurts.

    • WillStarr profile image


      7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      By my math, you're 18, so you have just now arrived at the threshold of adulthood. One of the big mistakes young people make is allowing the child they are to choose the mate for the adult they will become.

      We've all had a sad youthful love we've mooned over for a time, but then we grow up and discover that they were not at all what we want as an adult. You're about to make that discovery.

      From your picture, it's easy to see your beauty, so take it from an old man, some handsome young man will come along soon and be smitten by you, and that boy you thought you would love forever will be all but forgotten.

    • Twilight Lawns profile image

      Twilight Lawns 

      7 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

      You have made one very serious error in your hub... your confession. You said, "A stone to the rest of the humanity yet vulnerable to the guy who had killed the feelings within me." He didn't kill the feeling of love within you; he killed the feelings of love that you felt for him. He just changed the way you felt about that individual.

      You are obviously a very sincere and loving person, or you wouldn't be in this state right now. It's pointless of your friends say, "Move on". That can only come from inside you. I hate to say it but you may be in this state in a year's time or two... or, heaven forbid, more.

      I was deeply and (what I thought) irrevocably in love once for almost ten years... I just didn't seem to be able to get over her... and suddenly, one morning, I woke and thought... Who? And it was all over.

      I hope you will not have to wait such a long time. First love is the worst... don't let anybody tell you otherwise, but all things pass,

      And believe me, old lovers cannot remain as best friends... I wrote a mildly facetious hub about it once. It won't solve your problems... but it might make you smile.

      And you are right. Love is not something we have any control over. Hence the expression: “Fell in love”. It’s not deliberate, you fall. Sometimes it’s nasty, sometimes it’s a blessed accident… but we don’t generally walk into love, “we fall in love”.


    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 

      7 years ago

      Very beautifully done Cracknutcase! I wish that love had been real. I wish mine could have been real. So much confusion. I've gotten up off the floor so many times from that broken heart that I don't see "love" anymore. It's a cloudy illusion. I wish beautiful reality for you. You deserve love dear heart. God bless you I pray!


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