Dejected, Part Three
Oftentimes Darkest Moments Come Before The Dawn
It has been four months since I was fired. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I still do not believe it! As you can guess, my holidays were totally gloomy. Yes, my Aunt Amelia and my friends invited me out but to no avail. I chose to be alone and stew in my depression.
Then one week later on February 13, 2010, Xandra McClure, my distant paternal cousin unexpectedly showed up. I answered the door, surprised. I told her that I wanted to be alone as I was terminated from my job. Xandra replied that this was NOT the worst thing imaginable. I told her to ME it was! Xandra explained to me that more people than I know are constantly being fired. She further added that being fired was NOT necessarily the end of the world.
I related that according to my family, being fired is equivalent to failure which is considered a GRAVE mortal sin. I stated to her that I could hear my father's voice calling me an inept failure. He constantly called me those words each time I made mistakes and/or fell short of his expectations. Xandra reassured me that my father was a total hemorrhoidal annoyance as was my mother. She asserted that it was horrendous the way they treated me! Furthermore, she clarified that they were NO parents at all as their love of me was totally CONDITIONAL!
Xandra hugged me as I was crying uncontrollably. She stated that she would stay with me until I healed. She suggested that I speak to someone professionally regarding my job-related depression. She explained to me that it was common for people to experience shock and depression after they were terminated from their jobs.
Xandra emphasized to me that I WAS NOT my job. She told me that I was a beautiful, special,and awesome human being. She added that nobody and noone on the earth plane can take that away! I cried so more. She made dinner which I ate. I took a hot gardenia bubble bath, listened a cd by Leo Buscaglia and fell promptly asleep.
Xandra stayed with me a total of six months. She wanted to stay with me longer until she believed that I felt better. However, I reassured her, telling her that I was fine and can manage on my own. I was fine for a while until August 13th, 2010. It was a Friday. I felt unusually depressed that day.
I got up mechanically, warmed some water for my usual herbal tea. I drank it and returned to bed. I slept until 5:45 p.m. Some of my friends from my former job called me, asking if I wanted to take in a movie followed by dinner at a Thai restaurant in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I declined their invitation. I was feeling like socializing at all. I just returned to bed with a good book. Then at 7:00 a.m. , I suddenly felt like going out. I took a bath and got dressed, deciding to go to one of my favorite hangouts, Barnes & Nobles Bookstore located at 83rd Street and Broadway.
I proceeded there. I went upstairs, sitting in the psychology section, reading a series of books. The time passed by so quickly. Then the store clerk informed me that it was fifteen minutes to closing time. I just looked at her and asked her what time iit was. She informed me that it was 10:45 p.m. I did not know that it was THAT late. I got up, promptly leaving the bookstore.
I decided to walk home. The night was particularly humid and balmy. As I was walking, I become increasingly depressed. I thought that my situation could not get any worse than it already was. I remembered my father's stinging words. I was indeed a failure for being fired. There was no end in sight at THIS tunnel. I started to curse fate and my existence.
On my way home, I decided to stop by a Thai restaurant in my neighborhood. After I finished my dinner, I went home. As I walked towards my apartment, I saw an unusually dressed Black woman who told me "not to do it". I did not pay the woman any attention but I decided to turn around to take a second look but she was not there. I brushed off the incident and walked towards my apartment. Before I entered my apartment, I saw the woman again. She approached me, again stating but urgency,"not to do it," I attempted to answer her and she again disappeared! I then entered my apartment.
As I entered my apartment, I just sat down and stared into space. The woman was now in my apartment This time she was crying in a soft unearthly voice, "not to do it!" She further pleaded that if I elect to proceed, there would be extremely dire consequences. She then disappeared. I then fell asleep on the couch.
At 3:33 a.m., I woke up and proceeded to the kitchen to drink some cold herbal tea. I again pondered my situation. I was unemployed without a job. Luckily, my freelance writing was keeping me somewhat afloat. Was I a failure or not! I felt as if I would never succeed. Was I unlucky? Was I, huh? I was beginning to feel more dejected than ever!
Then thoughts of suicide enveloped me. I truly felt that my life was NOT worth living. I was thinking of ways to do it! I wanted a painless suicide-let it be done and over with! I would go into a deep slumber and never awaken-at least not in THIS life and plane.
All sorts of negative thoughts were entering my mind. I looked around my apartment and reflected my life. I am truly unappreciated and believed that I would be better off dead. At least in that way, I would have escaped the trials and tribulations of this world.
Subsequently, I went into the bathroom and took some sleeping medication. I mixed the sleeping medication with some sake wine. After I drank about four glasses, I started to feel unusually numb. My eyes were getting increasingly heavy and I thought I was asleep. Then I fell under............completely under...............
Then I awoke. I felt neither pain nor unease. However, I noticed that I was in quite an unusual place. What was this place? I noticed that this place was pitch black beyond human description and utterly desolate. I was walking through the landscape and saw some people. I called out to them but they were mindlessly shuffling along, ignoring me. I continued to call out to them but again to no avail.
Then a person came to me, laughing. I wondered why he was laughing at me. He bade me welcome. I ignored him. His voice become very unearthly, let me say, horrorifically menacing. He suddenly turned into a gnome constantly following me. As I ran, he ran faster. I was beginning to become mortified.
I looked around and the people who were on the landscape completely disappeared. Then the place became increasingly darker and more humid. It was so thick with humidity that I could not breathe. Then the gnome metamorphed into a large taipan who breathed fire and spat venom. It followed me, laughing and mocking me. It bellowed that I committed suicide and therefore was to suffer eternity agony. I could not believe what it said.
Where was I exactly? The large taipan just hissed and laughed at me. I again try to ran away from this grotesque thing but it followed me everywhere I went! Why is this thing torturing me? Why? I kept running and running. There was no respite from this thing and from this landscape.
As I was running, the landscape became deeper and more swampier. I realized that I was in something which resembled quicksand. I could not get out at all! I kept screaming, louder and louder and the thing just looked at me with demonic black coal eyes, laughing uproariously. I was sinking, deeper and deeper...............I was loosing my breath.................I was dying.............
I then came out on some type of terrain. This time it was totally covered in ice, not white ice but black ice! What IS this place! Each time I walked on the ice, I slipped. Was this a perverted game? Who was having fun at my expense! I walked on what seemed to be a neverending icy landscape. Then I fell into a deep and fathomless area.
This landscape was extremely firey. In fact, it was composed of only fire. Instead of the fire being hot, it was exceedingly cold. Each time one touched the fire, his/her skin turns a deep midnight blue. My God, this place is soooo surreal!
I progressed deeper into the firey terrain. As I reached the end, the firey terrain changed into something which was completely unfathomable. There was nothing but curses. Really obscene curses in every conceivable languages in addition to some that were out of this world!
For what seemed to be an eternity, I was in this desolate and forbidden place. Then suddenly, I was transferred to a place which was exceedingly beautiful. As I looked at the place, one was reminded of cities on earth except that these cities were more modern and fantastic than one would believe. This place looked completely futuristic. Some beings rushed to my aid. The first being was the woman who told me not to do it. She smiled and kissed me. She told me that I was a precious creation of God. She further related to me that I was a Divine Being in my OWN right.
She stated that no one has a right to take his/her life. Life was beautiful and God-given. She relayed that I chose my life circumstances which included my parents and other life circumstances. She clarified that from my unsupportive, dismissive, and verbally abusive parents I learned to appreciate the differences in people and to be sympathetic to the oppressed and the unsung among humanity. She further elucidated that I have developed a high emotional intelligence quotient from interfacing with my parents. She stressed that my parents taught me to be strong and independent............................