ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Does my bum look big in this?

Updated on April 28, 2011

It's our fate

Since Adam lost a rib, all of mankind has live in fear of being asked "Does my bum look big in this?"

That's right scoffers! I have survived being asked "Does my bum look big in this?" and only if I get a big dose of hub- article love will I consider passing on advice in this or another hub, I dunno, let's see how it goes shall we?

Look ... it may seem a bit pathetic that I enjoy watching the victims of "Does my bum look big in this" I know, and freely admit it's a lot like watching the legs being pulled off insects.

It is horrible, yet somehow mentally rewarding when you were that insect once and survived without losing any limbs or any other dangly bits.

When you see a distraught husband or boyfriend going in to one of these Fashion death traps with a smirking female, her jaw stuck out like Wonder woman, displaying her obvious sexual superiority. I can't resist seeing how far the conniving female is going to go. That is the real reason I like to frequent these places and the rumours are just plain wrong!

You see, I need to know. Will she go for the full package by dragging the poor bastard around all the lingerie section first?

Something dies a little inside all of mankind when this takes place, yet I am struck by the inability of the victim of the full "lingerie technique."

This shows her complete dominance of the mail gene and allows her to relish the envious looks from the pretty shop girls who still have never managed this artful manipulation and may feel the need to discount the price of the pink outfit out of deference.

If, like me, you find it wonderfully entertaining to go in women's dress shops to watch the dopey sexually fulfilled bastard get his dues then a new dimension in entertainment awaits.

OK I know that sounds callous, but what can you do? The guy's done for anyway!

The victim has had a fabulous time the night before. You see the mad cow eyed look on his pan, the gut pulled in and that strange rooster like strut ....... before he hits the women's department that is!

Thus the poor schmuck has been blackmailed in to being in a position where the question will arise. "Does my bum /tail/ bottom/backside/derriere/ass" .... well you know what I mean.

By this time only three possible answers leap to the feeble remnants of the male mind. ...he has so many alarms going off in his head that all the connecting bits are short-circuiting!


The way it goes


  • The glazed look.

* Gone! Do not pass go, your ass is in a sling, you blew it.

Boring!

Now I must interject at this point. Look around! You may spot another more smarty-pants learner trying his first carefully planned response. He reckons he's got the first bit covered?

He has had advice and the help of experts that required a few hours at the pub......... quite a few hours ')

This poor soul may be a stage one learner and will have the same look you see in a dingoes eye when he is cornered. A frantic trip to the toilet will only delay the moment of terror but he will try it anyway, as he needs time to remember through the grog all he learned from his peers, that cost dozens of rounds of beer and spirit. He has already paid out hundreds of dollars to get this far.

It has taken several charges of "drunk and disorderly" (Questions about lying to women require copious quantities of alcohol) and many nights of negotiating with the experienced guys like myself and plying us with free drinks, so he feels he must give it a shot or it's good money down the pisser so to speak.

He has a head full of sage advice from fellow liars, been given a few low risk tips to get him started.

All the advice is as vague and discombobulated as male advice about how to lie to women can be.

How could he go wrong?

He is the walking dead, his case is closed, he will become woman fodder within micro seconds..

I would be lying if I said otherwise. Sometimes ya gotta pay ya dues to learn the darkest of secrets, I paid my dues and I aint tellin no newbie for peanuts and a few rounds of drinks how to safely solve this almost insurmountable life threatening question!

So we who know the black art let every man in the place know about this guy's woman problem as soon as he leaves the bar, he is immediately made a laughing stock by all the men in the bar who do not wish to face the seriousness of this quest for the black art themselves.... very zen.

These pre-learners prefer to make a laughing stock of the "newbie" thus excluding him from important parts of the whole male bonding thing in that bar for until he breaks. It could take years.

So armed with peer reviewed advice from a bunch of consummate liars he deduces that his own individual approach can now be constructed.

He will hide the glazed look by not actually looking at the bum in question!

Pure Genius!

Alas in the real world, every man comes up with the same plan! It was probably constructed by a woman! It is hopeless! You are a low-brow! Learn the art man! Pay the price you coward!
This second fatal mistake seals his fate.

Any answer given from this point will be wrong. This amuses the hell out of those of us who paid our dues in houses and hard cash to learn the legendary black art of answering the question ....... Does my bum look big in this?.


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      WD Curry 111 

      6 years ago

      This is right on! It reminds me of how I can show there is at least some truth in the Bible, excuse me while I look it up, joey. By the way, did you see the Australian rules dude smoke Florida in the LSU vs Florida game? Florida lost. Everyone in the country was touting it as the key to the game. It was also the play of the week. Mark my word, it was the play of the history of American Football!!!!

      The coach of LSU gave the bloke carte blanche. Whe3n it came time to punt . . . he saw an opening and went for it. Florida's defense is freakisly fast. When they closed in on him, he kicked in the after=burner and left them crying. He rubbed in their face too!

      I owe you a dept of gratitude . . . I was the only Florida fan who enjoyed the game! You owe it to yourself to check out College Football, you have a computer. It is probably all over the news there, but you don't seem like you would have time to watch much. We make time for football here! I don;t like pro, it's rigged. Peace out, brother!

    • Escobana profile image

      Escobana 

      6 years ago from Valencia

      You're welcome Earnesthub:-) Does my honesty deserve a follow back, or are you honestly not interested in the topic I write about?

      It's much heavier than this one though, but I'd love to write something about women, honesty and the many prejudices they have about men in general.

      And by the way....I am lucky indeed! I'm smiling all day:-)

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Escobana. You are a lucky gal! I have to say he is pretty lucky too, not all women front up quite as well as you do to the honest answers!

    • Escobana profile image

      Escobana 

      6 years ago from Valencia

      I went shopping for this trikini (sort of bikini) with my boyfriend. We both loved how it looked in the window. I told him to be honest, he looked in and said:

      Horrible! Take it of!

      I told him: Yeah I thought so too. Just needed the confirmation. Let's spend that 50 euro on a nice dinner babe.

      That's why I love him. Total honesty and my bum is the right size for a Latina and the wrong size for that trikini:-) Women just need to man up and embrace honest answers whenever they ask a question.

      Even when they ask the tricky ones:-)

      Voted up, interesting, useful and funny!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Good thinking HattieMattieMae! We men are all liars when cornered by a woman on this one.

    • HattieMattieMae profile image

      HattieMattieMae 

      7 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      Ha Ha I've just learned not to ask a man that question at all! He is going to lie anyway just to play it safe! :)

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Nell, I still worry about Australia just deciding to fall off the globe. My granddaughters who are 5 now asked me recently, "Why we don't all just fall off?"

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      7 years ago from England

      Hi, ha ha Stella is a very special brew! it brings peace to the mind, and an empty pocket! hee hee well I think it's that way around! I used to think that when someone lived in Australia, they were upside down! lol well, I was about three at the time! Honest!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hell's bells Nell! That's worth a crate of Stellar.One small thing... what in all get-out is Stellar?

      Bloody antipodean countries! I saw one of those round atlases yesterday. I dunno how we haven't just dropped off the globe, hanging out down here on our own, apparently sans the better things of life, such as "Stellar".

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      7 years ago from England

      Hi, I know this one was an old one but I coulnd't resist it! ha ha brilliant! very funny, but shoosh! come closer, that's it, you wanta know the answer to this question? okay, it'll cost you a pint but here goes! 'does my bum look big in this?' 'If course it does, you have the sexiest ass on the planet, I wouldn't have married you if you had one of those squat little butts! so stop moaning, people would pay to have a butt like yours!!!! ta da! there you go! A pint of stella please! hee hee

    • ahostagesituation profile image

      SJ 

      7 years ago

      Thanks, Earnest! Per my comment, I'd literally rather be probed in every possible way than shop with a man. And I DON'T get why any woman would. What could they like about it--the glazed over look, the 'please kill me now' expression, the LOOKING at price tags!, the monotone input. It's a nightmare.

      And yep. I do okay with guys. They are not that complicated.

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks ahostagesituation! (nifty hub-name!)

      You have made it very clear how you feel about shopping with men, so I guess you are the most popular gal in town with the guys!

      Very funny and enjoyable comment!

    • ahostagesituation profile image

      SJ 

      7 years ago

      I vote he answers, "why yes it does. And I like that." But that's just me. Very few things I hate more than shopping with a man. I'd rather visit the dentist, they gyn, a proctologist, and my ex's mother all in one day instead. Was caught by the title, and it's a great hub!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Habee thank you very much.

      If I could cook like you I would be 300lb!

      Congratulations my dear, your latest hub is a masterpiece. I haven't finished seeing all the videos yet, but I will.

      I am off to take superspiderman and the twins swimming in an hour, I will read the rest when I get back. it was nice that Mark pointed it out to other hubbers.

      You are a beautiful lady, a top communicator, a loyal friend and an asset to all your readers.

      I have never seen another hub with such complete information. Wonderfully written. A stupendous hub!

    • habee profile image

      Holle Abee 

      8 years ago from Georgia

      OMG, Ernest! I got a nosebleed from laughing so hard! I never ask the question - I already know the answer. My bum would look big in anything! Thumbs up, my friend!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hi Tonymac! I'm chuffed that you got a belly laugh out of this. Good for the waistline I hear!

      That was your wife? I thought it was an ex of mine. They look so much alike!

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 

      8 years ago from South Africa

      Seriously funny! Or is it funnily serious? I don't know but I nearly cracked my gut at this one!

      Thanks. I'm still wondering where Ralph found that photo of my wife, though. I thout I had deleted it months ago! LOL!

      Love and peace

      Tony

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks SWOH. I have had a lot of fun with this as you can see. You probably scared the daylights out of Phoenix with that one!

    • SomewayOuttaHere profile image

      SomewayOuttaHere 

      8 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

      ha ha...that was a good hub. i don't know why some, and I mean some womena ask that question? what's the answer? guess it depends on the size of the bum! thanks for the chuckle. Intentionally, I asked Phoenix that question 2 days ago in his 'Ask A Guy' thread - but phrased it differently 'do I look fat in this'? And I knew I'd have a bit of fun....and of course he didn't answer it right away. It's a tough question for men!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Feline you crafty cat! No, to be truthful I have survived answering the question a few times, but many have not. Funny thing was both girls who asked me, (wives) were petite with not an ounce of fat anywhere!

      I got lucky I guess, and survived.

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      8 years ago

      Haha...glad I stumbled upon this! You speak like a veteran now, but did you go through all that you mention here too? :D

    • Lamme profile image

      Lamme 

      8 years ago

      LOL, very funny hub. Thanks for the laugh.

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Glad you liked it mythbuster. It is totally crass, but that is the idea. :)

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 

      8 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      OMG earnestshub - this is just awwwwwe-ful - and hilarious! Sadly, I followed the link posted by Mr. Deeds, too... and I am traumatized by that sight. Men are so screwed psychologically by womens' questions... or... by womens' psychological questions, too -great way to vent about that on this hub.

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      You may be right Springboard! Some women you just know it is safer to set fire to the house than answer too!

    • Springboard profile image

      Springboard 

      8 years ago from Wisconsin

      Much better than the response, "your bum looks big in EVERYTHING." lol. Sometimes I think women ask us men certain questions just to get a rise out of us...they like to see us squirm. They know what we want and what we won't get if we fail at the right answer. :)

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Money Glitch, laughter is the best response for both of us!

      Glad you enjoyed!

    • Money Glitch profile image

      Money Glitch 

      8 years ago from Texas

      LOL! How hilarious, I love this hub. And the picture is simply divine. From a female perspective, I've learned don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth. However, now I've got to go read part two. Once I stop laughing. Thumbs up!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Lady_E. I found the pic on photobucket, and hoped it would be over the top enough not to be offensive.

      having said that, I saw a woman that size in the same black tights at the local supermarket yesterday!

      Not a good look the tights!

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      I'm still laughing out loud at the picture. Interesting read. Regards.

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks akirchner, I was shocked to learn your husband has survived "Does my bum look big in this?" and commend his bravery!

      You are correct of course, there is no correct answer!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 

      8 years ago from Washington

      Very witty and cute - love the Aussie flavor as well - my husband actually has the best answer and I think he pilfered it from a commercial on TV 'you betcha'....and he tries to look stupid (not a hard task to accomplish at some moments)....ha ha! It is a loaded question and you are entirely correct - there IS no right answer and god knows why we keep asking it!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hey shazwellyn!

      I told some male friends about your amazing claim.

      An exception? They all reckon you're a bloody walking miracle!!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Dame Scribe, thank you for your comment. never mind! Did you ask the question? "Does my bum look BIGGER in this?"

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you for reading Antecessor!

      Variety! thank goodness for variety.

    • Dame Scribe profile image

      Dame Scribe 

      8 years ago from Canada

      You know, I once put on weight to see if my (_)_) would get bigger but alas did not work, lol. Great article! :)

    • shazwellyn profile image

      shazwellyn 

      8 years ago from Great Britain

      Very witty! I must be one of the only women I know that HATES shopping! The worst is clothes shopping! I cant stand it. I must be an exception though.

      Good hub

    • Antecessor profile image

      Antecessor 

      8 years ago from Australia

      "I like big butts, I cannot lie,

      when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist

      and waves a big round thing in my face I get sprung"

      LOL

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hey Faybe! Those facial expressions would result in a homicide if the situation was reversed!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Yes, Qwark, I think that is a lot easier than the alternative!

    • Faybe Bay profile image

      Faye Constantino 

      8 years ago from Florida

      Earnestshub, I think this man may have the solution... Maybe.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPEMOfyCduc

    • qwark profile image

      qwark 

      8 years ago

      Hey Earn:

      A ghastly and impossible situation!

      Suicide is the only alternative!...lol

      You have a way with words!

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks mate! In truth I am having fun with this insearchof truth!

      gramarye I am honoured by any chuckling and highly approve on any giggles as well! Thank you very much!

      Pandoras box, I know you are almost as silly as I am, so naturally I am thrilled you got a laugh out of this bit of nonsense! Just kiddin about being silly. You make me look good girl! :)

    • Pandoras Box profile image

      Pandoras Box 

      8 years ago from A Seemingly Chaotic World

      Laughing mine off right now! Too funny, ya wusses.

    • gramarye profile image

      gramarye 

      8 years ago from Adelaide - Australia

      Hey, someone's gotta do it! Great hub, got my chuckle for the day!

    • insearchof truth profile image

      Josie Adams 

      8 years ago from Australia

      You are a game man, there has never been a correct answer to that question yet you got away with a hub like this. Well done.

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      You are most welcome my friend!

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 

      8 years ago from London, UK

      You gave me good laugh and a well written hub. Thank you.

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Ralph, I needed that... we all needed that!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 

      8 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Just trying to be helpful! Hahaha! You do make me smile! Ok, point and laugh!

    • Ralph Deeds profile image

      Ralph Deeds 

      8 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

    • earnestshub profile imageAUTHOR

      earnestshub 

      8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I flatly refuse to answer and my lawyers are on standby.

      Seriously funny Candie, thanks for the hub juice!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 

      8 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      (((hub love)))!!! So.. try on the clothing article in question, yourself, and ask her if it makes YOUR bum look huge!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)