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Five reasons why reading Jane Austen is beneficial to the health
Research carried out by the NBDWT department of the University of Pantsworth shows that 50 percent of people who read Jane Austen are 20 percent more likely to be happier people. By 10 percent.
NBDWT stands for 'Nothing Better t' Do With my Time, it is understood. Work in that department shows that 80 percent of people who read statistics carried out by universities with a vaguely important sounding name will take them as Gospel truths.
So, here are five Gospel truths, carried out by NBDWT, as to why Jane Austen could drastically improve your life:
- 'Pride and Prejudice' helps produce endorphins in the brain - 40 percent of people were found to have a happier disposition after only three chapters; 50 percent of people preferred it to chocolate. 60 percent preferred it with chocolate.
- Research shows that the first ten chapters of 'Emma' contains more antioxidants than a large bowl of blackberries. 10 percent of people had notably younger looking skin by the final chapter.
- The high amount of 'I trust your parents are well, 'may I have the honour of this dance' and 'I am very much obliged's notably increases heart rate - after just five chapters of 'Pride and Prejudice' 20 percent of people were found to have better circulation, shinier hair and stronger nails.
- After just twenty pages of reading, fifty percent of people unconsciously began emails and conversations with 'my dear sir' or 'madam' and finished off with 'please give my regards to your parents' - 20 percent of their acquaintances were 50 percent happier for this.
- Regular reading can prevent colds and flu - twenty percent of people invested in laced ankle boots, hats and long ribbon dresses after sustained reading. Ten percent of these were men.
So what are you waiting for? Testimonies? Then you'll have one:
'I was a non-believer until recently but then I picked up a book* and within a few pages the beauty of the language and its natural semplicity seeped into my skin. Now I'm an avid reader and after two years I have a gentler disposition, a soft gaze, a noticeably fresher complexion and an ability to make pertinent one-liners.' - Apricot, South Wibblesworth, Dreamland.
Of course, research shows that 80 percent of people get poked into saying something they don't want to when interviewed and 75 percent of sociologists believe statistics to be totally unreliable and used to support researchers' preconceived ideas; research found that 99 percent of them were lieing.
What's more, research shows that 50 percent more people read Jane Austen than the 20 percent last year, but still 10 percent of people find reading a book 90 percent hassle. If you're one of those ten percent then it is recommended you watch the BBC series of Pride and Prejudice - rigourous research shows that it soars 80 percent above any Jane Austin film ever made and is 100 percent percent faithful to the book; so faithful infact that the NBDWT department is researching a five percent possibility that Jane Austen herself was resurrected to produce the series.
Research shows that you'll be a happier person after watching it. With a 50 percent chance of losing over 10 pounds.
*Warning: never read Jane Austen after dark - you may trip and fall.