Funny Jokes About Drunk People
~I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep. ~George
Four Worms and a lesson to be learned:
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service --
~He was a wise man who invented beer: ~Plato.
~I never trust a man that doesn't drink. ~John Wayne
~The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom. ~William Blake
~Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: ~Benjamin Franklin.
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
~When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: ~Henny Youngman.
Knows when to stop...
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.
~I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite. ~Bette Midler
~One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Nancy Astor
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless
sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge,
hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked what
man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked what man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, give the ballerina another drink!
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?
As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Joe E Lewis
Is that the sun or the moon?
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
~The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. ~Humphrey Bogart quotes
I'm just sitting here on the toilet:
A drunk gets up from the bar and
heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"