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Funny Jokes About Drunk People

Updated on February 19, 2015

~I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep. ~George

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned:

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

~He was a wise man who invented beer: ~Plato.

~I never trust a man that doesn't drink. ~John Wayne

~The road to excess leads to the palace of wisdom. ~William Blake

~Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: ~Benjamin Franklin.

Reincarnation:

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

~When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: ~Henny Youngman.

Knows when to stop...

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.

~I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite. ~Bette Midler

~One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~Nancy Astor

Dancer:

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked what man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked what man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, give the ballerina another drink!

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?

As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Joe E Lewis

Is that the sun or the moon?

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous

~The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. ~Humphrey Bogart quotes

I'm just sitting here on the toilet:

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Comments

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  • Fiona Jean Mckay profile image

    Fiona 3 years ago from South Africa

    Enjoyed this page, thanks - I guess I never get really drunk - I can always hold onto the floor.

  • Funom Makama 3 profile image

    Funom Theophilus Makama 4 years ago from Europe

    I really laughed my ass out on this one. Nice hubpage friend, the last video about the drunk guy buy more drinks just made me shed tears even as I rolled on the table, pushing my computer to the floor. I just cannot get enough of this. Thanks friend.

  • profile image

    Pimpernel 5 years ago

    I like the top picture.....Is that Arora Snow on the right...

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome evvy_09,

    I believe you are still drunk because you don't remember, I was with you at the new years eve party. Thanks for the visit and for thoughtful comments. Please come again. Good night

  • evvy_09 profile image

    evvy_09 6 years ago from Athens, AL

    Very funny. But how did you get my new years eve party pictures?

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome Baileybear,

    That is so nice of you, thanks for sharing my hubs. I don't have a Twitter account of my own because I think I can't handle everyday activities related to Twitter.

    I am scare of Face book because of their reputation for losing member's info. What is your experience about Twitter? I look forward to hear your views.

    Good night

  • profile image

    Baileybear 6 years ago

    I've shared this and your MIL jokes on FB and Twitter

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Hi Baileybear,

    Thanks again for your thoughtful comments. Please come again. Enjoy rest of your day.

  • profile image

    Baileybear 6 years ago

    matched up with some very funny photos

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Hi Maita,

    Well I can't rest until you start making $1,000,000 from hubpages.......:D Then I will think of retiring if you will share your wealth......hahaha.

    I made a hub about your in laws.....check it out. Enjoy rest of your day & don't work hard.

  • prettydarkhorse profile image

    prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

    Hey don't get too much busy ok, rest, NAH, am getting younger that's my feeling hehe, Maita

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome FrankiesGirl6Yr,

    Well that means you really enjoyed the jokes. I guess I was successful to see many happy faces. Please visit my other hubs & come again. Have a wonder day.:D

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Hi Maita,

    Sorry I was very busy. Are you sure you don'y get drunk by drinking too much coffee.......:D

    You said when you are drunk you cried a lot at your birthday ,may be you realized you are getting old.....hahaha.

    Be good too much drinking is not good. Enjoy rest of your day.

  • FrankiesGirl6Yr profile image

    FrankiesGirl6Yr 6 years ago from South Carolina

    I so had to get up and run to pee in the middle of this...I haven't laughted that hard in a long time....Thanks

  • prettydarkhorse profile image

    prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

    you're crazy Tony hehe, you made me laugh I forgot that I am drinking hot coffee, it sprinkled the keyboard hehehe.

    three years ago I as drunk, it was my birthday and when I am drunk I cry a lot, well that's me, I dont drink now I swear hehe,

    I am a bad drunk if you know what I mean it gets me capital H, Take care, and thanks for the laughs, Maita

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome samboiam,

    Thanks for commenting on my hub I really appreciate. Please come again. Enjoy rest of your day.

  • samboiam profile image

    samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

    What a funny piece of work. Thanks for giving me such a laugh.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome grillrepair,

    Thanks for commenting on my hub I really appreciate. Please come again. Enjoy rest of your weekend.

  • grillrepair profile image

    grillrepair 6 years ago from florida

    Thanks, very funny!

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    welcome englightenedsoul,

    Thanks for commenting & bookmarking my hub. Also I appreciate for sharing my hub to your friends. Please come again. Enjoy rest of your weekend.

  • englightenedsoul profile image

    englightenedsoul 6 years ago

    Excellent hub!!!Have bookmarked it and will definitely share it with my friends!!!

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome drbj,

    Thanks for reading & commenting. I will check your hub right now. Please come again. Enjoy rest of your weekend.

  • drbj profile image

    drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

    Great jokes, Mr. Nice.

    Noticed you included one from Henny Youngman, a funny, funny guy. I did a whole hub on him - Tribute to Henny Youngman. If you visit, let me know what you think.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    welcome WebbyAvatar,

    Thanks for reading & commenting. Please come again. Have a wonderful weekend.

  • WebbyAvatar profile image

    WebbyAvatar 6 years ago from India

    Hilarious jokes and nice funny pics!

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome Wrath Warbone,

    Thanks for commenting. Please come again. Have a wonderful weekend.

  • Wrath Warbone profile image

    Terry Chestnutt 6 years ago from Cleveland, Ohio

    Hilarious! Great to wake up to. Thanks.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome dilipchandra12,

    Thanks for reading & commenting. Please come again. Have a wonderful weekend.

  • Mr Nice profile image
    Author

    Mr Nice 6 years ago from North America

    Welcome JerseyGirl,

    I appreciate for your comments & advice. I love red wine but still drink occasionally & only that much I can handle. That is the key for staying sober.

    I have several funny hubs like this. Please come again & visit my other hubs too. Enjoy rest of your weekend.

  • dilipchandra12 profile image

    Dilip Chandra 6 years ago from India

    very funny

  • JerseyGirl profile image

    JerseyGirl 6 years ago from Jersey Shore

    This was incredibly funny and I loved it! I'm gonna follow you and hope that you publish more great hubs in the future. Be well, and stay sober!

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