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Funny Parenting Quotes

Updated on February 22, 2014

~ Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it. ~ Robert Brault

Raising children is a difficult task as it is, so why not help keep your sanity with a little bit of humor. Babies and toddlers can provide hours of entertainment and exercise. Getting school age kids to do their homework or take out the trash is a daily struggle. And don't forget those annoying teenagers that have somehow gotten smarter than you overnight (or so they think).

No matter what the years of raising children may bring, one thing's for sure, there will be plenty of laughter. When the baby has cried all night, the four year old has made his first artistic drawing, in crayons, on the wall behind the couch, or the teenager is 2 hours past curfew, try to find a little humor by reading Funny Quotes about Parenting....

~ Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ~ Erma Bombeck

~ If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.~ Al Bernstein

~ In the time it takes you to understand a 14-year-old, he turns 15. ~ Robert Brault

~ Teenagers complain there's nothing to do, then stay out all night doing it. ~ Bob Phillips

~ To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. ~ Dave Barry

~ Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. ~ Doug Larson

~ As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. ~ Fran Lebowitz

~ Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. ~ Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

~ Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. ~ William Galvin

~ The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes - naturally, no one wants to live any other way. ~ Judith Martin

~ Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.~ Peter Ustinov

~ Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. ~ Martin Mull

~ Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too. ~ Lionel Kauffman

~ Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. ~ Bill Cosby

~ There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure. ~ Dan Bennett

~ Children always assume the sexual lives of their parents come to a grinding halt at their conception. ~ Alan Bennett

Parenting Humor

~ Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare. ~ Ed Asner

~ Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child. ~ Peter Gallagher

~ Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in quiet. ~ Bill Cosby

~ Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. ~ David Frost

~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ~ Phyllis Diller

~ Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ~ Phyllis Diller

~ The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. ~ Clarence Darrow

~ Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. ~ John Wilmot

Boys Will be Boys....

~ You will always be your child's favorite toy. ~ Vicki Lansky

~ Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of. ~ Bruce Lansky

~ You see much more of your children once they leave home.~ Lucille Ball

~ The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. ~ John J. Plomp

~ Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~ Red Buttons

~ As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it. ~ Buddy Hackett

~ The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable. ~ Lane Olinghouse

~ When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. ~ Erma Bombeck

~ Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Everybody Loves Raymond Bloopers

~ Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to torture you.~ Ray Romano

~ If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. ~ Dick Cavett

~ I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. ~ Robert Orben

~ You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.~ Franklin P. Jones

~ Parenthood: The state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. ~ Marcelene Cox

~ Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. ~ Bill Cosby

~ Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry. ~ Bill Cosby

~ Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. ~ John Fiebig

~ Remember, blood is not only much thicker than water, it's much more difficult to get out of the carpet. ~ Phyllis Diller

~ Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~ Fran Lebowitz

~ If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ~ Edgar W. Howe

~ My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. ~ Rita Rudner

~ We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ~ Phyllis Diller

~ Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. ~ P. J. O'Rourke


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