- Books, Literature, and Writing
Grocery Hub by Dick & Jane
These are the adventures of grocery store employees...baggers of groceries, collectors of shopping carts, cashiers, customer service employees, associates of the bakery, deli, produce, meat department and grocery department.
Assigned an indefinite existence, the bold crew of the giant grocery store conglomerate explore the excitement of strange new worlds(the parking lot), uncharted civilizations(the variuos customer types), and exotic people(the stranger and much more amusing customer types.) This is the every day grocery store employee. These are their stories.
Grocery Store Log, location unknown but everywhere groceries are sold...
The two characters in this log, blog or hub are Dick and Jane. They represent every man and every woman that works in any department within the confines of the grocery store while still "on the clock."
The most dangerous place in any given town in my opinion is a grocery store parking lot on a busy day. There are thick white lines and stop signs denoting places where the driver, by law, is supposed to stop. But beware, the lines and stop signs turn transparent to the driver once entering the grocery store parking lot. The stop signs are, in slang, "blown off." Also "blown off" in the grocery store parking lot is the speed limit. Somewhere in the "Rules Of The Road" manual is a rule for parking lot speeds. Most seem to think 35 mph is a good estimate. They would be incorrect. At this speed you can only maim, not kill, your unintentional target. Yet others seem to think 3 mph is the standard. They would also be incorrect. Traveling at these speeds causes "parking lot rage" amongst the other drivers. "Parking lot rage" includes, but is not limited to, excessive horn honking, fist waving and yelling obsenities that no one else can hear because one's window is rolled up. That last example is fun to watch because it looks like an action packed silent movie. Last but not least is "flipping" someone off. The extension of the middle finger by itself sends this universal message. Alas, the correct speed in a parking lot is 10 15 mph as stated by google. I apologize for this is not a learning hub.
Dick enters the parking lot fully aware of his own demise at the hand of the NASCAR drivers that drive swiftly down each aisle in their pursuit of the perfect parking spot. Dick seeks to bring shopping carts or "buggies" back to the corral inside the store for yet another wipe down with handi wipes by yet another customer who fears death by contact with a shopping cart. Dick knows that even though he comes in contact with hundreds of carts each day, these carts get wiped down so much that they are more anti bacterial than a hospital surgery room...is supposed to be. Dick wonders how many cart handle wipes it will take until the surface area of the chrome on the cart handle is gone. Dick ponders this as he is also wondering how many licks it will take to get to the center of the lollipop he is currently licking on "company time" thus "stealing" from the company.
Dick has accumulated an enormous amount of carts and is heading to the inside cart corral. Dick is just outside and about to enter the store when he encounters a crowd of customers giving their chosen cart a complete sponge bath and talking with other customers about the number of germs that no doubt reside on the carts.
The customers detailing their carts suddenly pause their conversation about mortality and look back at Dick who is patiently waiting to OBVIOUSLY enter the building to park the carts RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE STANDING. The customer's pause ends, they look back at each other and they resume their chit chat. Chit chat is a word Dick uses when he describes "small talk" when he is mad.
After the party has moved along into the store, Dick parks the carts and, you guessed it, grabs a handi wipe. They kill 99.1% of all germs and bacteria. Dick wipes his hands extra well to try and get that other 0.09%. A lightbulb goes off in Dick's head. Dick knows that lightbulbs are displayed in aisle 9 of the store but realizes that this is a metaphor. Dick sees an opportunity to come up with a special wipe to kill that extra 0.09%. The success from this business opportunity brainchild will certainly catapult Dick into the top 1%.
Dick has made it safely inside the confines of the grocery store. He knows he is still not safe. Other dangers lurk inside. He spots Jane at the customer service desk administering some customer service. Her head is uncrontrollably shaking like a bobble head doll having a seizure...and her expression is fighting between a smile and a frown..which is a twitching straight line. This straight line also represents her EKG reading of her emotions..."my smile" and "my mood" are dead! No need for resuscitation. Yet another metaphor.
To be continued...
Dick makes eye contact with Jane. Dick sees a fire in Jane's eyes. Dick thinks that it's probably just light reflecting off her eyes. Jane notices by the look on Dick's face that he thinks that the fire in her eyes might not be real when indeed it is. This observation makes Jane's temper and the fire in her eyes increase exponentially leaving little doubt in Dick's mind that the fire in Jane's eyes is not a reflection but indeed is real fire. Dick is scared. Jane can see that Dick is scared. Jane is pleased that Dick is scared. Jane is so pleased that her eyes tear up. The tears are the "rain" of pleasure from the look in Dick's eyes. These tears quell the fire in Jane's eyes and she can now return to the customer who lit the fire in her eyes in the first place.