Home Owner's Plight (I'm Not Handy)

I own a house. And like most houses, it occasionally needs routine maintenance. Well routine for most people. However, there is nothing routine about maintenance, when I am involved. Most people think that I am a pretty intelligent person (people who don't know me well anyway), but I just can't seem to get the knack of home repair. No matter how easy the job might appear, I end up making it look like I'm trying to tackle the "Manhattan Project".

So, for me, and all other inept people like me, I've written a song. It is sung to the tune of "I Want Candy" by the Strangeloves.

"I own a house, and things look bleak.

The paint is peeling, and the roof does leak.

Can't change a bulb, without falling off the ladder,

My wife she holds it, but that don't matter.

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!

Got a clogged sink, and the frig. don't work.

I should fix 'em, but I'm a jerk.

I don't know pliers from a wrench,

can't even find my work bench.

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!

Got a bad water heater, and a gutter that dangles,

There's nothing 'round here that I can't mangle.

Got a broken window and a ripped screen

if it gets any worse, I'm gonna scream

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!

No!

If, a wire gets a short,

I'll touch the wrong one get a jolt.

Got hospital bills by the pile,

I keep 9-1-1 on speed dial.

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!"